Thread: Tuesday Pun

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.
After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.
When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."
Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.
Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.
The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion was



"A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

During the Revolutionary War, there were British sympathizers known as Tories among the colonists. Some of them would work hand-in-hand with the Redcoats to try to foil the battle plans of the Continental Army.
After a certain skirmish, a group of General Washington's men tracked one of these sympathizers to a farm, which they searched for hours without success. A militiaman then came up with the idea to release a hen into a barn where they suspected the fugitive might be hiding.
Sure enough, loud cackling and commotion quickly ensued, and the soldiers were finally able to take their prisoner into custody. This was the first known instance where someone ...


... had a chicken catch a Tory.




A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on
complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely
saying,

"I must have taken Leif off my census."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian) an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Saudi, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, an Afghan, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....


The maître d scrutinizes the group one by one and bars their entrance saying,


"Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai.

A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.
"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: ...



... Play-Doh."

Boooo.

(Hehehe)

A group of cowboys riding with the sheriff was following a band of outlaws. They were not gaining on them at all. The sheriff asked for suggestions. One of the cowboys said, "We could add a male bovine to our group."
The sheriff nodded and said,



"That's posse bull."

A well-off bloke decided to go into business for himself. He fancied owning a pub, so he searched until he found one for sale in a small village.
Unfortunately, the pub was very old and the foundation was crooked. It would cost too much to fix. So the new owner decided to knock it down and build a new one.
He hired a bulldozer and cleared all the debris. Then he spent a lot of time hauling in dirt, building it up and leveling it for the new foundation.
Some village folks were out watching him work. "What is that bloke doing?" asked a passerby. A villager replied,



"He's razing the bar to a new level."

Things have gone downhill between me and my fiance ever since my dog ate her engagement ring. we still love each other but it's not the same

wait for it.....

we're just going through the motions.

Engineers' Conversion Table

Scientific types will especially appreciate this one; it is pretty heavy scientific stuff...converting units:


1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength ... None in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.


As the trio debated the issue, ...

... an alligator came along and swallowed them all ... hawk, lion and stinker

The zookeeper in charge of the sea mammals was trying to train an otter to walk backwards. He was not having any success. He asked a coworker to see if she could do any better.
Lo and behold, the otter was soon walking backwards.
He asked her, "How did you do that?"
"Simple," she said,



"You put one foot in front of the otter."

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. His grandmother telephoned the boy's parents to ask how he was doing.
The boy's mother reported,



"No change yet."

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps. He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.[]
As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps. They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.
They finally decided on...

...Humphrey.

As a highly skilled computer technician, Joe was hired to synchronize the communication between the microchips in the various computers in a local network.


His new boss had left him instructions on a series of post-it notes. The slips of paper were so numerous and jumbled that they were confusing to Joe and his colleagues.


Finally, Joe decided to ignore his boss' instructions. He simply discarded the notes and successfully completed the task on his own.


Upon his return, Joe's boss asked him to describe the strategy that resulted in his success.


"That's easy," replied Joe.





"Lose slips, sync chips!"

This one's a real groaner...

So you can drive a car, but what do you have to chauffeur it?

Have you ever thought about the range of words that have their roots in the Greek language? There are many such words in mathematics, such as geometry.

Some of these words have an interesting derivation. A contemporary of Pythagoras was watching a parrot playing with some twigs. Although birds often play with twigs, leaves and branches, this parrot, to the mathematician's amazement, actually arranged the pieces of wood into some sort of a pattern. Then, unfortunately, the bird keeled over, dead.


The mathematician was so moved that he named the shape, "Dead parrot." Although - of course - he said it in Greek. This is why, to this day, we call that shape ...



... a polygon.

Sir Wilber was one of the lesser known Knights of the Round Table. But he was an accomplished furniture maker. His latest creation was a magnificent armoire, which he had covered with pure silver plate. When the piece was polished, it shined like nothing anyone had ever seen.


The medieval hero was not ready to settle down, but Gracie, his girl, wanted to get married right away. She had become tired of waiting and decided to go to Wilber and pop the question herself. When Wilber saw the woman coming, he jumped into the armoire to hide.


Gracie entered Wilber's quarters and looked around. She didn't see anybody and turned to leave. Suddenly Wilber sneezed. Gracie ran to the armoire and flung the door open. There stood Wilber: He was trapped!


The next day, the castle newsletter's headline proclaimed:



"Lady Gracie Finds Her Knight In Shining Armoire!"

An elephant was drinking at a riverbank one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambled over and kicked the turtle across the river.


"Why did you do that?" asked a passing giraffe.


"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."


"Wow, you have quite a memory," commented the giraffe.


"Yes," said the elephant,



"I have turtle recall."

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks.

There was a man who always seemed to lean slightly to the left. His friend suggested he see a doctor and have his legs checked. For years he refused, saying his friend was crazy, but finally he gave in.
Sure enough, the doctor discovered that his left leg was shorter than his right. A quick bit of surgery made both legs the same length, and the man finally stood straight.


"So," the man's friend said, "You didn't believe me when I told you that you leaned."


The man replied,


"Nope, but I stand corrected."

A young fellow named Benny who was in the mob in Chicago confided to a friend that he was going to leave the mob and lead a normal life. His friend said, "Benny, you can't do that. Nobody quits the organization. They'll track you down and kill you!"
But he did anyway. He moved to Los Angeles, grew a beard for disguise, got a regular job and got married. Several years went by and there was no problem with the mob. So one day he decided there was no danger any more and went into a barber shop and had his beard shaved off. A few steps outside the shop he was spotted by a mob hit man and shot dead. His grieving wife had him cremated and kept his ashes in an urn on the mantle. The moral of the story:



A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

^ Check out post 2 Einstein.

^E=mc2?...