Thread: Tuesday Pun

Running Doe A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.
She said, "OK."
"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?''
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied, "We're called ...

... The Indian Nippless Five Hundred!!!

A young man had been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for several years. One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines.
The bag boy was excited and asked the manager if he could work the juice machines. But the manager turned him down.
The bag boy complained, "But I've been working here for five years! Why can't I run the juice machine?"
The manager said, "I'm sorry, ...



... but baggers can't be juicers."

Awful, X3...

OMG Boon, You've been in the sun too much lately, you're so corny with these things, I think you've popped.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails',
'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink!' Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of ...
Had to save one for the next page. Can you guess it?


... Mount and Do.

A man was selected to appear on a television game show. It was quite the opportunity, as he could win a million dollars. His wife tried to help by grilling him with trivia questions. But he was more interested in his appearance than answering questions. He was particularly concerned about his tie. So, he asked his wife if she could tie a Windsor knot. His wife replied,



"It doesn't matter if you Windsor not. It's how you play the game."

^ crash. Try:

"It doesn't matter if you Windsor knot. It's how you play the game."

Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labor and began to yell, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"?


She was having contractions!

A WRENCH PUN:

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married ...

... one for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."

Several years ago, Mike was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Mike was a good person and made arrangements for Mike to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Mike was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop which he had promised his wife. So he called Mike into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Mike refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but ...


... counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place"

Jim was a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate emailed asking him to "decifer" some technical documents, he replied to set him straight.
"Decipher is spelled with a 'ph', not an 'f'," he wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program."
A minute later came the colleague's reply,



"Must be dephective."

I have a new party trick. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour
later they come out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

My friend Richard sent me this one. He's currently on a road trip with his dad.
Smitty was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work. The chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and besides, he didn't have to be paid.
One day, Smitty got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smitty went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer asked whether it would be hard to fix.
"No problem," replied Smitty,



"I have a little duct ape that will take care of it!"

Did you hear about the competing fortune tellers?

They had a sybilling rivalry.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxim, invented and developed the first automobile
air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show ----
----Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up
at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150
just to tell me my duck is dead!

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but ...

... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150."

There once was a man who was an avid hunter. He especially liked to hunting bears.
One day, he brought home a bear skin. His wife, who enjoyed sewing fur, tanned it and decided to make herself a two-piece swim suit, bra and panties.
When she finished sewing, she went outside to model her fur swimsuit and the next door neighbor saw her and looked away, embarrassed.
"Why did you look away?" asked the husband.
"Because," said the very religious neighbor,


"thou shalt not witness bear falsies against thy neighbor."

A Halloween Pun:

A man was walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night. Suddenly, from behind him he heard: BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Walking faster, he looked back and through the fog he could see an upright casket. It was banging its way down the middle of the street toward him: BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
Terrified, the man began to run home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him: BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He ran up to his door; fumbled with his keys; opened the door and rushed in. He slammed and locked the door behind him. However, the casket crashed through the door, with the lid of the casket clapping: Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!
The terrified man ran up the stairs to the bathroom and locked himself in. His heart was pounding; his head was reeling; his breath was coming in huge gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket broke down the bathroom door, bumping and clapping toward him: Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!

The man screamed and reached for something, anything! His hand closed around a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he threw the cough syrup at the casket and ...
... the coffin stopped.

And a bonus from Ralph.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.



'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying,


"I must have taken Leif off my census."

A psychiatrist is doing his rounds with a couple of students. They look in on one patient, and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose-stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"
The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple-personality disorder?"
The second student says, "No, surely he just doesn't know ...
... whether he's Carmen or Goering."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, ...
... "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."