Quick Jokes

**david44** · 20-10-2015, 03:49 AM

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up . . . reading." Henny Youngman

**david44** · 20-10-2015, 03:56 AM

Avoid arguments about the toilet seat...use the sink.

**david44** · 20-10-2015, 04:05 AM

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

**david44** · 20-10-2015, 04:08 AM

Woman who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

**charleyboy** · 20-10-2015, 08:00 AM

A deaf and dumb guy fell into a well.
He broke three fingers, shouting for help!

**david44** · 20-10-2015, 03:43 PM

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

**VocalNeal** · 20-10-2015, 07:14 PM

^That should read: Two Dinosours...It is so faaking old.

**VocalNeal** · 20-10-2015, 09:39 PM

My wife is livid. Last night I got so drunk , I shit on the roof.
How do I wipe the slate clean?

**Chittychangchang** · 21-10-2015, 04:38 AM

Damn these Chinese workers!

Staying in their country, still steeling our jobs.

**Alice Fields** · 22-10-2015, 03:29 PM

**SiLeakHunt** · 23-10-2015, 12:22 AM

what do you call an aliigator in a vest ?

an investigator

**charleyboy** · 23-10-2015, 08:45 AM

"Hello darling. I've just been to the Post Office to pick up my pension, they asked to see the grey hairs on my chest!"

Wife: " You should have shown them your cock, we might have also got disability allowance!"

**Cujo** · 23-10-2015, 12:47 PM

Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt

what do you call an aliigator in a vest ?

an investigator

I'm seriously considering redding you for that groaner.

**kingwilly** · 23-10-2015, 01:30 PM

What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain.

A drizzly bear.

**kingwilly** · 23-10-2015, 01:31 PM

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?

a cat-has-trophy.

**Cujo** · 23-10-2015, 02:38 PM

^ ^^ and you.
Admittedly they fit the 'quick', as for 'jokes', that's debatable.

**kingwilly** · 23-10-2015, 04:05 PM

Pisse orf. They're great.

What do u call a chicken that has lettuce in its eye?

Chicken Ceasar Salad

**Davis Knowlton** · 23-10-2015, 04:58 PM

Originally Posted by kingwilly

Pisse orf. They're great.

What do u call a chicken that has lettuce in its eye?

Chicken Ceasar Salad

That's fuckin horrible. Have to owe you the green for making the Dawg pop a vein.....

**kingwilly** · 23-10-2015, 05:28 PM

Glad you appreciate my friend.

How do fleas travel from place to place?

By itch-hiking

**mingmong** · 24-10-2015, 08:31 AM

thanks Willy You just ruined my Christmas Dinner,

the part when I open me Christmas Krackers!

**TizMe** · 24-10-2015, 10:29 AM

Originally Posted by Cujo

^ ^^ and you.
Admittedly they fit the 'quick', as for 'jokes', that's debatable.

They aren't jokes at all. They are riddles.

**Cujo** · 24-10-2015, 10:35 AM

Originally Posted by TizMe

Originally Posted by Cujo

^ ^^ and you.
Admittedly they fit the 'quick', as for 'jokes', that's debatable.

They aren't jokes at all. They are riddles.

Should I red him then? I think I should.

**Ozcol** · 24-10-2015, 01:24 PM

^ Either him or Snakeyes

**Bettyboo** · 24-10-2015, 02:04 PM

or both?

Not that I'm encouraging redding - unless for Cannot321, as he deserves them for being a silly troll.

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

or

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

**charleyboy** · 26-10-2015, 01:14 PM

Fellow going down on a bird.
"That fookin' stinks."

"Yes, I know. I've got arthritis!"

"What! In yer fanny?"

"No, me back...I can't bend down to wipe me arse!"

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