Thread: Quick Jokes

Ho Hai Da Xue Nanjing mei guanxi.

They refrain from phonee directory of staff there being such a surfeit of Mr Wing and Prof wang they may wing the wang number

An Englishman walks into a bar---- there is usually an Irishman, a Scot and a Welshman, but they are still at the Rugby World Cup.

being an England Rugby fan is like being in Fritzel's basement, every time you see a glimmer of light you get fucked.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

The maid advised never again, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back

Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?

What do you call somebody who farts in private?

A private tutor.

Originally Posted by Ozcol

An Englishman walks into a bar---- there is usually an Irishman, a Scot and a Welshman, but they are still at the Rugby World Cup.

An Englishman walks into a bar, the rest of the Northern Hemisphere are in there with him.

Karaoke alert, The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Originally Posted by david44

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

you deserve a green for that gem

I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers.
Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

I caught my mate with his dick in a bowl of chickpeas & lentils. He'll shag anything with a pulse

My dad suggested I get a donor card, he's a man after my own heart

I've started a hedge fund
Always wanted one
When it grows it will look so much better than the barbed wire fence.

Irish bank robber walks into a bank, says "Hand over the money this is a fuck up".
Puzzled teller says "You mean its a stick up" ?
No says the robber "Its a fuck up I left my gun at home".

I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention.

What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?

A: They're both out looking for a tight seal.