Thread: Quick Jokes

A fly goes in to a bar.


Is this stool taken?

My wife was gang-raped by a group of mime artists - they performed unspeakable acts on her.

Ngongo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, and 7 miles for food......


This is because the silly sod torched Peckham Tesco`s and Tottenham KFC and now has to walk to Croydon for breakfast

Not exactly PC


A 7 foot plank was thrown through a window in Tottenham, Police say Peter Crouch is recovering well!

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My mate Paddy has just turned over Argos in Manchester. He's got 1500 catalogues if yer interested

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The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics will be just like any other Friday night in London, you'll hear a gunshot followed by eight blacks legging it

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Boots are reporting that after the looting of their shops throughout London, the only thing left on the shelves is fake tan

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Spurs have just signed a new black Italian striker. Grabatelli

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Police in London are to use a mixture of water and Persil in their cannons. That should stop the coloureds running

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Arsene Wenger has just been spotted on CCTV looting a sports trophy shop

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Apparently a masked superhero double act were seen on the streets of Tottenham last night. Blackman and Robbing...

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Cops stop a Pakki in a transit van on the motorway. Cop says 'You know the limit is 70?' Paki looks behined and says 'Hear that? Three of you will have to get out!'

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The British Government has reacted to worldwide rioting by sending rescue vehicles to evacuate all British Citizens. They have sent three ships to Lybia two planes to Syria and a mini cab to Tottenham

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Following the riots and looting in Tottenham a large number of scousers will not be travelling down for the match between Spurs and Everton, due to fears that all the best stuff has already been stolen

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Following the riots in Tottenham I think it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The vast majority are in fact drug dealers and rapists

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I walked into a fancy dress shop and asked for a vampire outfit. The assistant came back with a full Spurs kit. I said 'I think you misunderstood me, I want to look like a count


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What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke

Two lads were looking at an advert for a charity bungee jump.The first lad turned to his mate and said," i wouldnt have the balls for that". His mate replied "not to worry Ken,they put the ropes round the ankles".

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Social Security Offices.


'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told by David Cameron to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the British Tax Payers..'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Iraq where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and

-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!


'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.



The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.

'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Iraq; I want to bring them all over here.'



PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.



'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.



The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be English with English clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the English.'



PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn-out trainers, a dirty Man Utd T-shirt and a greasy baseball hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to sweet f*** all like the rest of us!'
And she then disappeared.

I was walking past the fridge and I thought I heard a spring onion singing a Bee Gees song.

When I opened the door to have a look it was just a chive talkin.

Ol Georges turned 70 the other day, so decided for a check up at doctor.

-All seems well dear Georges, said the doc, your heart pulse is fine and you look good...
What is your relation to God Georges ?

-God is good to me ! replies Georges...
-I gotta pee during nights and when i go to CR, God open the light for me, as soon as i finish, he then closes the light, he's good.

Doctor then tells this to Georges wife, do you know about this, is it true ? he asks

She then replies

- Damn ol Georges, he pee in the refrigerator again !

There is that guy stares at his glass on the bar for near half an hour !

A trucker next to him for five mins, grab his glass and zip it in and start laugh

The other bloke goes on crying, the big trucker says sorry and want to replace the glass...

It's not that says the crying guy, it's just such a bad day !

What about that bad day dear?

I woke up late this morning, wnet to work to be fired. Back to the car park i find out that my car is stolen, take a bus ride home to find my wife in bed with the gardener, and now you just drink my glass full of poison !

This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store."

He hasn't been *getting any* from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick.

He puts the video in, and starts masturbating.

He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blow job of his life.

Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened.

After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes.

He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in. What happened?!".

To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."

Isn't it strange how hot and sexy women always drive cute little cars?

Which reminds me, the MOT's due on the wife's Transit !

Police in the Seychelles have recovered the arm of shark attack victim Ian Redmond. They identified it by a tattoo that said "Liverpool for the league cup 2012"
They said not even the shark could swallow that.

THE PERVERT


Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "Have you got a tight unshaven c--t?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching telly - who shall I say is calling?"

A man's guide to a healthy relationship


1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.


3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.


4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. When she says that she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.


5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.


6. If, I mean when, she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time later in the day. This will ensure that she waits by the phone. Also, tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny!


7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When your g/f looks at you, stare into her eyes, mouth the words 'fuck you,' and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.


8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can...now go make a sandwich"


9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.


10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.


11. Warm her up when she's cold... but not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say, "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.


12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.


13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?


14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.


15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.


16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.


17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.


18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No, she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.


19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.


20. Give her one of your t-shirts... and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.


21. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.


22. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.


23. Recognize the small things; they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.


24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but I think it's funny.

1) "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."


2) "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."


3) "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."


4) "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."


5) "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."


6)"My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."


7) "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."


8) "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."


9)"I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."


10) "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

Originally Posted by English Noodles

I was walking past the fridge and I thought I heard a spring onion singing a Bee Gees song.

When I opened the door to have a look it was just a chive talkin.

Things are getting tough.

Guy goes into a Swedish chemist and asks for a deodorant.
"Certainly" says the chemist (with a heavy Swedish accent) "ball or aerosol?"
"Neither" says the guy "it's for my armpits"

Used a new lubricant for anal sex with the wife last night. I wasn't impressed.

It was shit.

Whats the difference between a cow and a tragedy?

A Scouser doesn't know how to milk a cow.

Whats the difference between a Jew and Father Christmas?

Santa Claus goes down the chimney.

I just spilled my coffee

Originally Posted by Neo

Guy goes into a Swedish chemist and asks for a deodorant. "Certainly" says the chemist (with a heavy Swedish accent) "ball or aerosol?" "Neither" says the guy "it's for my armpits"

Its from an old Not The Nine O'Clock News

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

How does every Black joke start?

By looking over your shoulder!