Thread: Quick Jokes

I was given some really good financial news today.



The little black orphan I was sponsoring in Africa has been eaten by a lion.

Just read an article saying the cast of 12 Years A Slave should clean up at the Oscars

- awful that people still think like that in 2014.

A man went into a filling station shop, walked up to the cashier and said "Can o' BP?"
The cashier looked at him a moment, then replied "Dunno mate, but a fish can fart, 'cos I've seen the bubbles."

David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself .

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

Love - The misguided notion that one woman is different from all the others

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried
about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided
to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field
were you before you realised it was caught?"

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was fucking skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

^

My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.

I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.

A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.

And if you look inside her bottom lip, you will see tattooed : "inflate to 30 psi".

A newspaper reporter once asked stevie wonder what it was like being blind,he replied its better than being black.

Teacher asks Billy; "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"

Billy; "Five"

Little boy comes home from school.
'Dad, I've just stuck a banger up the dog's arse.'
Father replies...'Rectum.'
Son. 'I'll say so, blew its fookin' knackers off!'

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies, "No tanks, oi've only got a small garden."

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin' out of it. He 'phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "Is it tickin?
Paddy says, "No, oi tink it's beef"

A Czech goes to the eye doctor. The doc shows him the eye chart that reads C Z W X N C Y S T A C Z, and asks, 'can you read it'? 'Read it'? Shouts the Czech. 'Certainly, he's my friend'!

This is a fine example of the Irish way with words . . .
Paddy texts his wife,
“Just having one more pint with the lads.
If I am not back in 20 minutes, read this message again.”

^ Will save that under drafts on my mobile.

I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" to my staff.

They're starting to take it as a challenge.

A boy says to his Dad "why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aint green?"

Dad replies "its just a saying, son. Its like when somebody is caught stealing something they say they have been caught 'red handed' even though their hands are actually black"

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

A boy says to his Dad "why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aint green?"

Dad replies "its just a saying, son. Its like when somebody is caught stealing something they say they have been caught 'red handed' even though their hands are actually black"

A very funny joke. Perhaps that's why I already posted it yesterday.

https://teakdoor.com/jokes-and-funny-...-a-saying.html

^ Harry told it better!