Thread: Quick Jokes

You know when you're getting old.

I was watching porn last week and found myself thinking:



"F*ck me, that bed looks comfy!"

Black woman having trouble getting pregnant . Decides to get help and sends hubby to docs.
Guy comes strutting in the house head held high, big grin on his face.

Wha' happened at the doctors honey chile...your so happy and proud

Well the doc says ise important so is walking like ise important


groan...

Thousands are gathered outside Nelson Mandela house but Dell Boy and Rodney have told them all to sod off

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen. All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up, some of us have a home to go to".

Originally Posted by toslti

Thousands are gathered outside Nelson Mandela house but Dell Boy and Rodney have told them all to sod off

Sorry, I don't get it.

Made my day, well, at least my morning.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God..'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by toslti

Thousands are gathered outside Nelson Mandela house but Dell Boy and Rodney have told them all to sod off

Sorry, I don't get it.

It is more of a British thing.... it's from a comedy named Only Fools and Horses.

Originally Posted by toslti

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by toslti

Thousands are gathered outside Nelson Mandela house but Dell Boy and Rodney have told them all to sod off

Sorry, I don't get it.

It is more of a British thing.... it's from a comedy named Only Fools and Horses.

I've heard of it but don't get the Mandela connection.

Originally Posted by Koojo

I've heard of it but don't get the Mandela connection.

Del and Rodney live in a tower block called Nelson Mandela house.

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by toslti

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by toslti

Thousands are gathered outside Nelson Mandela house but Dell Boy and Rodney have told them all to sod off

Sorry, I don't get it.

It is more of a British thing.... it's from a comedy named Only Fools and Horses.

I've heard of it but don't get the Mandela connection.

They live in a block of flats called Nelson Mandela House

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by toslti

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by toslti

Thousands are gathered outside Nelson Mandela house but Dell Boy and Rodney have told them all to sod off

Sorry, I don't get it.

It is more of a British thing.... it's from a comedy named Only Fools and Horses.

I've heard of it but don't get the Mandela connection.

Only Fools and Horses - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I did some DIY with my step-ladder last weekend....I've never really got on with my real ladder.


Groan...

Originally Posted by crepitas

Well the doc says ise important so is walking like ise important

impo'tant! impo'tant!!!

Well if Ronnie Biggs makes it to heaven he will at least have something to talk to Nelson Mandela about.

Prison.

All this news about the Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs makes me laugh...

He tried to rob a train once, and got caught once...

That's hardly 'great' is it? It's not even frigging good!

Q. Who's the coolest person working in a hospital?
A. The ultra-sound man.

Q. Who covers for him when he's on holiday?
A. The hip replacement guy.

Paddy goes to his mate Murphy, and says "Is that your new car Murphy?" "Yes" says Murphy,
"But its a Toyota" Paddy said, "True" says Murphy.
"You said you wanted a Nissan" said Paddy, "Yea" said Murphy
"I did but I heard Nissan main dealer was dead, so I though, better be safe and buy a Toyota."

^Nelson Mandela is dead?...Took a while...

Davis Knowlton appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the fook out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'

Originally Posted by toslti

Paddy goes to his mate Murphy, and says "Is that your new car Murphy?" "Yes" says Murphy,
"But its a Toyota" Paddy said, "True" says Murphy.
"You said you wanted a Nissan" said Paddy, "Yea" said Murphy
"I did but I heard Nissan main dealer was dead, so I though, better be safe and buy a Toyota."

(Excellent. Took a minute but it got there)
owe you a green. All out at the moment.

Some people talk so much shite you dont know whether to offer them toilet paper or breath mints.

Apparently Miley Cyrus is trying something different for her Xmas dinner this year !

She's having Twerky !