Thread: Quick Jokes

"The crust is the best part." My mother always said.
I still have no idea why she encouraged me to pick my nose.

‘I thought it was sad that they had that concert for Princess Diana I mean she didnt have much to do with pop music , they should have have done something that celebrated what was really great about her life … by staging a gang bang in a minefield.’
Frankie Boyle

Bar staff wanted in Glasgow.

Must be able to work on a rotor.

The technical term for a man that hates women is a misogynist.

A woman that hates men, on the other hand, is simply called a wife.

Nigella Lawson, a beautiful wealthy woman, a brilliant cook, who now admits to doing drugs. Fucking hell Nigella, us men only need to find out you're an alcoholic who takes it up the arse, and we have found the only perfect woman.

She's alright if you're a hippo hunter.

So following the death of Nelson Mandela, thousands of people are outside his house, dancing and singing and celebrating his life.

Yet when I did that after my Mother-in-law died, people called me a c**t.

Nelson gets to the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter says "So what have you done to deserve coming into heaven?".

Nelson says "Well I've fought inequality and prejudice my entire life, and united a nation".

"Fair enough", says St. Peter, "The kaffir's entrance is at the back".

Nelson mandela has died at 95, thats 5 miles per hour quicker than paul walker!

A cortege bearing Nelson Mandela's body will travel through Pretoria for three days ahead of his burial next Sunday....

This could get interesting if South Africa lives up to its reputation as the carjacking capital of the world.

It's a good job that Nelson Mandela was imprisoned back then instead of now.

I can't imagine he'd be such an inspirational figure if he just had a 3 month suspended sentence with 80 hours of community service.

I wonder if they will stand Nelson Mandela's coffin upright and jam a tyre over the top of it before setting it alight?

Just to remind him of the good old days.

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan,

and I'll show you a man who's trying to shag a vegan.

I bought one of those 'Greek-style' yogurts.

There was nothing in the pot.

My wife just walked in on me watching "Menstrual Lesbian Babes" on the internet.

There were red faces all round.

Of course, there is this one:

There was a white horse.
It fell in the mud.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?

''NO!' they answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?

'Again, the answer was 'NO!

''If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!

I was bursting with pride, and continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'You gotta be fukin dead!'

During a row my wife shouted at our son "You're just like your dad, always jumping to wrong conclusions!"

I was devastated. I'd always assumed i was his father.

As I put the finishing touches to my cat's Facebook page, it got me thinking.

I wonder if anyone will come to my funeral?

Wife said to me. "I've got an hour glass figure."
I replied. "Yeah, but there's a fookin' lot of sand in it!"

Had a fookin pneumatic drill outside my bedroom window last night...

Thank fook it wasn't turned on!

Was in bed with my Chinese girlfriend, I happened to remark that her fanny seemed to getting bigger.

She went mad and said "You always clittysizing"

David Beckham gets into a taxi and notices the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror.

After a couple of minutes the driver says: "OK, give me a clue."

Beckham says: "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England. Is that enough?"

Driver replies: "No, you thick bastard. Where do you want to go?”

Finished watching the Thailand open golf championship's this afternoon.

A young Japanese lad came in joint fourth.

His name is Yuki Kono.

I wonder if he's related to John Lennon's widow?