Thread: Quick Jokes

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance, so I pushed her over.

Lifted from an email:

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
.I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I
thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I
thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Good one, can't green you agin so soon.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years. Upon her
return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why
did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed,

I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."

"OK Daddy...as ye wish...I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque.

For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling
new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a
membership to the Limerick Country Club.

She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board
my new yacht in the Caribbean."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old
Daddy a big hug."

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,

Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off

He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,

Still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park;

The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,

The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.

?

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

?

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's

Where he ordered her a Happy Meal

With extra fries and a chocolate shake..

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,

A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband

And collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile

And lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened

And her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it fuckin Wrong.

Why Old Men Don't Get Hired!


The Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest
weakness?"

Old Man: "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is
a weakness."

Old Man: "I really don’t give a shit what you think."

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.


The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

^ There's a micro second there where he looks like Michael Schumacher

I met someone the other day who says he always cries after sex..... mind you he is in prison.

The wife said to me last night "If you turn the light out I will take it up the arse" Maybe I should have let the bulb cool down first.

A guy knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans .
I said fuk that with my luck I'd win one.

My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.

It just reaches the back of her sisters throat.

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that the house had been robbed . The offenders had also drunk all his beer and raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says "I cant believe they fuked the missus after only 5 beers".

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on
her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."


Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ...women like that are hard to find."

I was shagging the neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”


Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Old bushman was telling his granddaughter if she wants to live a long life to sprinkle a bit of gunpowder on her cereal every morning , she did this religiously till she died at 103. She left 14 children ,25 grandchildren, 42 great grandchildren , 12 great great grandchildren and a 40 ft hole where the crematorium used to be.

What did the Lone Ranger say when he went to put the garbage out?

To the dump

To the dump,

To the dump, dump, dump

To the duuumppp...

to the dump,dump dump.

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

He who hangs around a grave site for 3 hours,has lost the plot.