Thread: Quick Jokes

I went to a meeting last night about apathy.

Hardly any fooker turned up!

i was a male trapped inside a woman's body and then i wos born.

My dad came into my bedroom while I was knocking one out. He said "Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind".

I said "Dad, I'm over here".

My son took being sent to jail really badly.
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the wall with his own feces.
After that, we never played monopoly again.

Man in a bar orders Kingfisher beer.
Lady next to him: What a coincidence, I've also ordered Kingfisher!
Man: I'm celebrating.
Lady: Me too.
Man: What a coincidence. What are you celebrating?
Lady: My husband & I have tried for 4 yrs for a baby. Today I'm pregnant!
Man: What a coincidence! I'm a farmer, for 4 years my hens were infertile,
today all are laying eggs!
Lady: Wow! How did that happen?
Man: I used a different cock!
Lady smiled & said: WHAT A COINCIDENCE

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed.
"Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband.
He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food,
stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're
going to kill him!" they exclaimed.Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill
while he was licking his arse!"

When I heard that one it was dog food, and he was run over by a car while laying in the middle of the road licking his balls.

Originally Posted by TizMe

When I heard that one it was dog food, and he was run over by a car while laying in the middle of the road licking his balls.

Then, you are twice blessed. Have you heard about the squirrel who swam on his back to keep his nuts dry ? I expect he was a chicken first time you heard it.

My ex came by drunk the day before she was to marry this new rich bloke, begging for me to fuck her one last time.

So the following day I honoured her request by sending him several pictures of her sucking my cock.

Too funny Boon, wish I could green you. 5555555555555555

Quick Jokes

Fastest cake in the Bakery?

Scone.........

Australia has just had a general election. The main concern is about the number of illegal immigrants there are.

Government sources suggest around 60,000.

Aboriginal sources say it's more like twenty two and a half million of the bastards.

I've apologised to my wife for calling her childish.

So she's 'friended' me again on Facebook.

I took the day off work yesterday because I felt really ill.

I spent the whole day in bed sweating. I threw up twice, had a severe headache and I couldn't bring myself to eat or drink a thing.

But yet somehow, from somewhere, I managed to muster up the strength for 7 wanks.

I was disappointed when I met Whoopi Goldberg.

I sat on her and she didn't fart.

Originally Posted by kmart

I took the day off work yesterday because I felt really ill.

I spent the whole day in bed sweating. I threw up twice, had a severe headache and I couldn't bring myself to eat or drink a thing.

But yet somehow, from somewhere, I managed to muster up the strength for 7 wanks.

Is that a joke or just an observation?

^Observational humour, Harry. Observed quite a few years ago, mind.

I went a Nigerian porn site last night.

It kept asking for my wank details.

"Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?" asked my mate Dave.

"Go on then," I replied.

"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" he screamed.

I said, "That's Superman."

He said, "Thanks, I've been practising."

I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."

He said, "Arsenal to win the Premiership."

An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu?"
I replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."

Nurse,,, now Johnny you won't feel anyting below the waist for a while.
Johnny,,, can i feel ure tits then.

In hindsight, I should have posted my Facebook status, as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" ....

Rather than - "I've just buggered a 16 year old Escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, and my lap top's been confiscated ...