Quick Jokes

**Eliminator** · 20-08-2013, 06:37 PM

charleyboy , funny as fuck and true. Wish I could green you.

**Albert Shagnastier** · 20-08-2013, 07:25 PM

Originally Posted by Eliminator

charleyboy , funny as fuck and true. Wish I could green you.

Got that one then?

**TizMe** · 20-08-2013, 07:49 PM

''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''

**TizMe** · 20-08-2013, 07:50 PM

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

**TizMe** · 20-08-2013, 07:52 PM

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

**Cujo** · 20-08-2013, 10:34 PM

^ good ones TizMe and nice to see someone understands the concept of 'quick' jokes.

**charleyboy** · 21-08-2013, 06:56 AM

We're off to a fancy dress party this weekend. I'm going as a Tupperware box.
I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself.

**nidhogg** · 21-08-2013, 09:45 AM

I finally managed to give my wife mulitple orgasms but she still isn't happy.

Apperantly it doesn't count if there's five years between the first and second one.

**harrybarracuda** · 21-08-2013, 05:50 PM

Originally Posted by charleyboy

We're off to a fancy dress party this weekend. I'm going as a Tupperware box.
I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself.

I went to a fancy dress party in just a pair of Y-fronts. The host said to me "What are you supposed to be?". I said "Premature Ejaculation".

"How does that work then?" he asked.

"I've come in my underpants".

rat-a-tat-*ching*

**Cujo** · 21-08-2013, 06:25 PM

Gave my wife an orgasm last night.
Ungrateful bitch just spat it out.

**charleyboy** · 21-08-2013, 09:54 PM

^ Kooj. Just fell off my dinosaur laughing at that!

**TizMe** · 22-08-2013, 12:18 PM

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
:groan:

**Boon Mee** · 23-08-2013, 06:00 AM

British Humor (for Tex)

These are classified ads, which were actually
placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German
Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in
a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale...

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100..

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ..
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45
volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer
needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish
Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

**charleyboy** · 24-08-2013, 07:58 AM

I was thrown off the Jeremy Kyle show today after getting into a fight with some deadbeat scumbag over a paternity dispute.
But not before I kicked his fookin' tooth in.

**TizMe** · 24-08-2013, 03:39 PM

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

**Eliminator** · 24-08-2013, 06:42 PM

Not too short but cool.

A lady helps her husband install a new computer.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password,
selecting a word that he'll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife
and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye,
he selects a word:

mypenis.

As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife
collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!

The computer had replied:

TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

**charleyboy** · 25-08-2013, 07:41 AM

Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
That's nice I thought, 'two lips from Amsterdam' !

**charleyboy** · 25-08-2013, 09:17 AM

I've just quit my job at the helium balloon factory. I won't be spoken to like that.

**charleyboy** · 25-08-2013, 09:19 AM

While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France,
at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast.

**charleyboy** · 25-08-2013, 09:21 AM

I was sorting out some of my old clothes the other day. Found an old train ticket in my pocket from 1986. A return ticket to London.
Blimey, that took me back.

**VocalNeal** · 25-08-2013, 10:37 AM

An old one in the vein of the above.

Roddy was released from prison. As he was walking away form the prison, he put his hand in his jacket pocket, and found a piece of paper. Pulling it out, he saw the cobbler’s ticket and remembered taking his shoes there all those years ago.“Why not?” he thought, and went off to see if, just by chance, the cobbler was there and still had his shoes. When he got to the address on the ticket he saw, sandwiched between a supermarket and a multi-storey car park, the cobbler’s shop. He went in and found an ancient man working in the dark little room. He gave him the ticket. The old man examined the ticket closely and then took down a huge ledger from the shelf. Blowing of the dust, he opened it and ran a shaking finger down the columns of names and dates inside. His finger stopped at an entry. Looking up, he said, “They’ll be ready next week!”

**CNF55** · 26-08-2013, 02:42 PM

Had a fight with an erection this morning - beat it single handedly.

**charleyboy** · 26-08-2013, 09:36 PM

The Nun - brilliant

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier
crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough
Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!

**toslti** · 27-08-2013, 12:13 PM

Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So, every morning I shout : 'Tea with two sugars and get off your fat arse'

**crippen** · 28-08-2013, 04:32 PM

A Young man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as "LOW BATTERY".
Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger.

Give that man a medal!

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