Quick Jokes

**nidhogg** · 15-12-2012, 06:30 AM

When my Indian girlfriend told me she wanted me to give her a facial, I nearly came on the spot.

**steve down under** · 15-12-2012, 05:35 PM

Son said to Dad "I'm Gay."
Dad looks at his other son and said "What about you?"
Other son said "Me too Dad."
Dad said "F*** me, doesn't anyone in this f***ing family like pussy?"
The Daughter said "I do."

**steve down under** · 15-12-2012, 05:37 PM

The wife came out of the bathroom and said "I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?"
I said "Yeah, the fuckin plug hole is blocked again."

**OhOh** · 16-12-2012, 04:53 AM

Topical if not short.

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the “Naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re a** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy

Timmy,

That’s what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

**steve down under** · 18-12-2012, 05:38 PM

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."
I said "Sorry mate. Did he drown?"
"No," he said, "he choked on a sock."

**Mr Lick** · 18-12-2012, 09:54 PM

Whats the difference between the ghost of Christmas past and Jimmy Savile?

One rattles his chains and puts the willies up everybody. The other one's a ghost!!!

How's about that then?

**daveboy** · 19-12-2012, 02:41 AM

Went to our firms christmas party last night. They played 'The Twist' so I twisted. They played 'Jump' so I jumped. Then they played 'Cum on Eileen' ........I was asked to leave shortly after that.

**daveboy** · 19-12-2012, 02:48 AM

I got thrown out of the chemist this morning; i only asked the bird behind the counter, "do you take it up the arse love or do you swallow?". She went absolutely bloody mental!I still don't know what to do with these fucking suppositories...!

**nidhogg** · 19-12-2012, 03:24 AM

I asked the bloke at the car shop to add some spoilers as well.

"Okay, the Titanic sinks, Harry Potter kills Voldemort and Frodo destroys the ring."

**Ozcol** · 20-12-2012, 06:11 PM

Little Tommy asks Mum "Why is England called a Kingdom" "Because it was ruled by a king" "Ah so thats why Australia is called a country".

**Mr Lick** · 21-12-2012, 04:23 PM

People are making 'end of the world' jokes like there's no tomorrow

If the apocalypse doesn't happen today, don't worry. It's not the end of the world.

Calm down everyone, if the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.

**Mr Lick** · 21-12-2012, 04:26 PM

**nidhogg** · 21-12-2012, 04:59 PM

Went to the doctors yesterday suffering from premature ejaculation. Doctor said, "This must be very stressful for your wife."

I said, "To be honest it's getting on her tits."

**Mr Lick** · 21-12-2012, 07:37 PM

The world is supposed to end today. I want to stand next to Alex Ferguson as you're guaranteed an extra ten minutes!

**Mr Lick** · 21-12-2012, 07:49 PM

Oops!

**daveboy** · 22-12-2012, 12:04 AM

Dear Deardrie, My boyfriend's a right dick! He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat cock into my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck, deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do?

**daveboy** · 22-12-2012, 06:36 AM

I gave my son an inflatable doll today. He said "Dad, if I want sex I'll go and get a girlfriend." I said, "Dream on you ginger cnut."

**Boon Mee** · 22-12-2012, 09:16 AM

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy
went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

**daveboy** · 23-12-2012, 12:24 AM

My wife came into the room wearing a costume for a fancy dress party, "what do u think?" She asked, "wow" i said, " that's the most convincing killer whale outfit i've ever seen!" She said "i'm a nun u twat"!

**Mr Lick** · 25-12-2012, 02:21 PM

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.

They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.

Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.

I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”

Well that was when the trouble all kicked off ……

**nidhogg** · 25-12-2012, 03:42 PM

I'm pretty sure that if I spent as much time online deciding what to get my wife for Christmas as I do deciding what video to wank to,I could have got her something she'd really cherish for years and years to come.

**nidhogg** · 25-12-2012, 03:46 PM

When my wife revealed to me during a counseling session that she fakes her orgasms, I was forced to fake that it mattered.

**nidhogg** · 25-12-2012, 04:01 PM

On Christmas morning, when your children tell you that their new phones are the wrong colour, their new laptops are not good enough for their particular needs, and your wife tells you that the 1800 quid necklace you got for her is "Nice," please spare a thought for those on their own.

And try not to get jealous.

**clueless** · 26-12-2012, 08:52 AM

A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”

“Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.”

“That's right,” said the doctor.. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.”

“Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes,” she said, “You’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.”

**martingale** · 26-12-2012, 09:59 AM

New shop just opened and a big sign outside read EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT.
I chuckled to myself cos i thought you could hardly leave em there and come bacl later !!

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