Thread: Quick Jokes

A couple of weeks after embarrassing the Royal family with his Vegas pictures, Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan.

Nice one Philip, that'll look a bit less suspicious than another car crash.

The Choir Boy
>
> > An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
> >
> > He said, "What are you doing father?"
> >
> > "It's called masturbating" the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
> >
> > "Why's that father?" he asked.
> >
> >
> > "Because my wrist is killing me" the priest replied.

My wife left a note on the fridge...

"It's not working! I can't take it anymore;

I've gone to stay at my friends!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold...

What the hell is she talking about?!!

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.

All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well.

When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

^^ See post 1026

^
No #1026 was a different woman, she went to stay with her Mum

^ In that case, please accept my humblest apologies

My pet mouse Elvis, died today...he was caught in a trap....

I pulled a heavy duty monster last night down at the boozer. Fuck me she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a chip pan...had more hands up her than Sooty...been set on fire & put out with a golf shoe...got a face that could make an onion cry... so big I couldn't ride her into battle...seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician...a face like a stuntmans knee...a fanny like a yawning donkey...so ugly not even a sniper would take her out...been shot over more times than Sarejevo...has a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout...been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun...an arse like a bag of spanners...a belly bigger than Santa Claus... Still, at the end of the day, a shags a shag!

Originally Posted by daveboy

...a fanny like a yawning donkey

What do Las Vegas and Liverpool have in common?

They are the only two places where you can pay for sex using chips

Paddy and his girlfriend had just got engaged and were driving to Blackpool for the weekend.
As he was driving Paddy slipped his hand up her skirt.
"You know Paddy, now we are engaged you can go a bit further if you want" she said,
"Fucking great" said Paddy "let's go to Manchester".

I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Tosser" & then
Off we go....


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.


I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex


A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP school of diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

After years of trying, Ive finally found my wifes G-spot. Can you believe her sister had it all along!

Airport Screening Results

Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:

Terrorists Discovered 0

Transvestites 133

Hernias 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172

Enlarged Prostates 8,249

Breast Implants 59,350

Natural Blondes 3

It was also discovered that 535 members of Congress had no balls.

A muslim arrives at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. St. Peter looks him up and down and says "What do YOU want?"

With a glowing smile the man says, "I'm here for Jesus..."

St. Peter pokes his head around the gates and shouts "JESUS, YOUR CAB'S HERE!"

Guy with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg goes to get on a London bus. Bus conductor takes one look at him and says, " aye, aye, aye, you look 'armless enuf, 'op in"

Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos.

Calling someone outspoken is a friendly way of saying, "they're a [at][at][at][at] who doesn't know when to shut the fuck up."

Guy getting a ticket from copper, says to cop if I called you a name you could give me another ticket right , certainly could said cop, what about if I just thought about a name , cop says cant give you a ticket for thinking ,thats good says bloke cause I think you are a cvnt

Does a Plumber look at an unfinished sink and think to himself "I'd tap that"

This morning the Muslim Brotherhood sent a warning that if the United States continued meddling in Egypt , Libya , and other potential hot Spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more Presidents.

Before me and the missus had sex she said, "If you turn off the light, you can shove it up my arse."

With hindsight, I probably should have waited until the bulb had cooled down.