Thread: Quick Jokes

Whenever my wife gets all hot and flushed, she likes it when I blow some air on her to cool her down. But to be honest, I am not a fan.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."
"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."
So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"
"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am.

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?""No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

A guy and a dog walk into a bar. The guy is bragging to everyone that his dog can talk . The bartender calls him over and says, "So your dog can talk, huh?" The guy says yes. Then the bartendersays, "So, if I gave your dog a dollar he would go out and buy me a newspaper?" The guy says yes, gives the dog a dollar and sends him out.Three hours later the dog hasn't come back yet, so the owner and the bartender go looking for him. A block from the bar, they look down an alley and see the dog humping a female dog. The guy yells, "Wow, I've never seen you do that before!"
The dog says, "Well I've never had money before."

I was going to tell you a joke about boxing but I forgot the punch line

• I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

• I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

Wadda cal a man with a rubba toe?





Roberto

New Pizza via drone at Beer O'Clock


yep it's pie in the ky

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a c​ock.

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese, that's the wurst käse scenario

Well son, in the '90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl's door and actually drool.

I’m reading an antigravity book.

It’s impossible to put it down

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

Just went to my first Muslim birthday party.

Musical chairs took ages, but fuck me did Pass the Parcel go quickly!

efine dilemma .... hmmm ....


Imagine you are in a bed in between a really attractive naked woman and a gay bloke...

Which one are you going to turn your back on?Define dilemma .... hmmm ....


Imagine you are in a bed in between a really attractive naked woman and a gay bloke...

Which one are you going to turn your back on?

^ Your dilemma is being in bed with a gay bloke.