Quick Jokes

**david44** · 12-04-2023, 01:17 AM

Originally Posted by Joe 90

That's the biggest number I've ever heard

Scirrel he say ya spella bad , nah

The Cod father he say

"Hey Giovanni90 you hadda ya chipsa" or in Sciliian dialcto "Etihado"

**hallelujah** · 12-04-2023, 01:56 AM

Originally Posted by dirk diggler

Probably a true story, but not sure of the origin.

Caithness is famous for nicknames some Classic ones .

“I knew a guy who had one hand bigger than the other and they call him " The Clock".”

“Had a teacher with a twitch in his eye he was known as indicator.”

“A lad from up the coast called Gerry had heart surgery and they nicknamed him “ Gerry and the Pacemaker”.”

“A pub I once worked in had a local called "Joe Malone " when his wife died he became "Home Alone”.”

“I know a lad in Lybster. He's tall and thin so they call him 6 O'clock”

“Knew a lad once who got engaged 3 times. He was known as Lord of the Rings”

“Heard of a lad called "pothole " everyone used to try and avoid him”

“Heard of a lad called Enda May. People just called him June!”

“Know a lad that went to Australia on a years visa and was back a week later!! Called him boomerang”

“Lad in town here known as “Bomb Scare” as soon as he comes in the pub empties...”

“Guy in our school, Peter, was held back a year for failing all his exams. He became known as RE-Peter”

“Heard of a guy that used to wear the same coat all the time so his friends called him Dulux...cos he only needed one coat”

“I knew a lad that had only 4 fingers on one hand he was called kit kat”

“Our local drug dealer delivers so quick - we call him instagram”

We had a mate a while ago and the joke in the pub was that he'd only ever had 2 shags even though he had 2 kids.

His nickname was The Inseminator.

**dirk diggler** · 12-04-2023, 02:06 AM

There was a fat kid called James at a training centre I used to go to as part of my apprenticeship.

Everyone called him James the Giant Peach

**Ukan Kizmiaz** · 15-04-2023, 04:09 PM

I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

I refused to believe that I was gay and dyslexic.
I was in Daniel.

For security reasons Al Capone had hired a deaf mute bookkeeper. To communicate with the bookkeeper Al had one of his bodyguards learn American Sign Language.
One day Al had the bodyguard drag the bookkeeper into his office. Al told the bodyguard “There is $100,000 missing, and I want the bookkeeper to tell me what he did with it.”
The bodyguard signed to the bookkeeper “Al says there is $100,000 missing and he wants to know what you did with it.”
The bookkeeper, terrified, signed to the bodyguard “I don’t know anything about it. I didn’t take the money.”
The bodyguard said to Al “The bookkeeper says he don’t know nothing about it.”
Al, pissed, pulled out his pistol, cocked it, and pointed it at the bookkeeper’s head. “Tell him to tell me what he did with it or I’ll blow his brains out.”
The bodyguard signed to the bookkeeper “Al says tell him right now where the money is or he’ll blow your brains out.”
The bookkeeper, sweating, signed “The money is in locker 284 at the bus terminal. The key is in my right front pants pocket.”
The bodyguard says to Al “He says you don’t have the balls to pull that trigger.”

**Ukan Kizmiaz** · 15-04-2023, 04:21 PM

What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?
I wouldn't pay to have a kidney bean on my face

**BLD** · 29-05-2023, 06:55 PM

Noi the ladyboy , seeking ass.
And tax were walking over a bridge and noi gets his head stuck between the railings.without a sideways glance sa pulls aside nois G string and fucks him senseless. He stands back and tells tax " your turn"! Tax bursts into tears, whats wrong asks seeking assholes.

Tak sobs , my head wont fit in the railings. Har har

**BLD** · 29-05-2023, 07:22 PM

I send this a joke. Because these 2 asshats are certainly a joke. And persistant trolls

**happynz** · 29-06-2023, 04:18 PM

Late last night a short psychic escaped from prison.

Today’s headline: Small Medium at Large

**taxexile** · 29-06-2023, 04:23 PM

last night a madman raped 2 cleaning ladies and ran off.

Todays headline,

NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS.

**happynz** · 29-06-2023, 04:53 PM

Yesterday university researchers solicited overweight people for a second trial.

Today’s headline: New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

**taxexile** · 29-06-2023, 05:17 PM

cemetery staff to strike from friday, but until dispute ends services will be provided by a skeleton crew.

**helge** · 29-06-2023, 09:05 PM

......

**happynz** · 30-06-2023, 12:26 PM

Late yesterday afternoon a tightrope artist completed a high wire walk alone over the Han River in Seoul, Korea.

Today’s headline: Skywalker Crosses Han Solo

**happynz** · 02-07-2023, 07:21 AM

Late yesterday the Japanese stock market was rocked by the news that its largest decorative paper mill was de-listed.

Today’s headline: Origami Company Folds

**Shutree** · 02-07-2023, 09:55 AM

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock. That's humerus.

**happynz** · 02-07-2023, 11:51 AM

Swine troubles in China

Tonight's top story: Soaring Pork Prices Hog Headlines and Sow Discontent

**happynz** · 03-07-2023, 12:39 PM

Yesterday it was announced that the Canadian coin mint will now only produce one and two dollar coins.

Today’s headline: Canadian Mint No Longer Make Cents

**taxexile** · 03-07-2023, 01:26 PM

latest from the police .....

man who robbed a gym of 2 treadmills is still in the run, but police say he's going nowhere and will soon be caught.

man who stole 5 shovels believed to have gone underground.

a luggage thief was caught today after police quickly got on the case.

**PAG** · 03-07-2023, 04:33 PM

A recent United Nations survey has revealed that North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at Teakdoor, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

**PAG** · 05-07-2023, 06:49 AM

I own two shirts and some neckwear that used to belong to a guy who was in The Mamas and the Papas.

All the sleeves are brown and the tie is grey.

**happynz** · 08-07-2023, 07:19 AM

News from ancient Rome: The wife of Sparticus was eaten by a lion. When asked for a statement Sparticus said, "I am Gladiator."

**harrybarracuda** · 09-07-2023, 06:13 PM

I said to the wife, "Let's have a bit of fun and go into the pub separately and act like we did when we met on our first date".

She said "OK then" and wandered in ahead of me.

I sidled up to the bar and was about to order when she came up and said "Hello handsome, can I buy you a drink?".

I said "Fuck off, I'm not falling for that again".

**Iceman123** · 09-07-2023, 06:34 PM

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died a few weeks ago.. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

William, Prince of Wales

**harrybarracuda** · 18-07-2023, 09:10 AM

I met this bird at a club, and she said "Do you fancy coming back to my place, I've got a fanny like a Polo".
Naturally, I took her up on her offer. When we got back to her place, I wasted no time and eagerly removed her underwear.
I said "Fucking hell, I thought you mean the mint, not the hatchback".

**reddog** · 21-07-2023, 04:35 PM

What is the difference between Pink and Purple?
The grip.

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