Quick Jokes

**david44** · 14-03-2018, 03:15 PM

Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.-Terry Pratchett

**david44** · 14-03-2018, 03:21 PM

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!-Sean Morey

**david44** · 14-03-2018, 03:30 PM

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

**david44** · 14-03-2018, 03:32 PM

If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again.- Paris Hilton

**david44** · 14-03-2018, 03:34 PM

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Mikey!
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole!

**david44** · 14-03-2018, 03:36 PM

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business who’s there

**david44** · 14-03-2018, 03:37 PM

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Yukon
Yukon who?
Yukon say that again!

**david44** · 14-03-2018, 03:40 PM

My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.

**david44** · 14-03-2018, 03:45 PM

I hate Windows… Just tried to set my password to “mydick” but apparently it’s too short.

**david44** · 14-03-2018, 04:08 PM

People are really strange. When you scream in a library they tell you to shut up but when you do it on an airplane everyone joins in

Lulu got attacked by a group of mime artists last night. They did unspeakable acts to him

.Just started reading a book about anti-gravity. Its impossible to put down

**harrybarracuda** · 15-03-2018, 04:35 PM

Quick Jokes-29244699_10210875431108736_5909157572253843456_o-jpg

**harrybarracuda** · 18-03-2018, 05:34 PM

Me: "I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother".
Wife: "Awwww that's sweet. What does DNR mean?".

**uncle junior** · 18-03-2018, 08:38 PM

I hate those Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

**toslti** · 24-03-2018, 04:58 PM

Although Jesus was known as a carpenter, he never actually sang on any of their albums.

**toslti** · 24-03-2018, 04:59 PM

How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?

Actually the correct term is "replace" .

**toslti** · 26-03-2018, 08:44 AM

I finally managed to download the theme music from "Titanic" to my phone, even though some said it was unsyncable.

**Cujo** · 26-03-2018, 09:03 AM

Smacked the missus on the arse last night.
"into the bedroom with you wench" I said.
She giggled "Oh you horny devil"
"No, seriously" I said. "fuck off, the footy's about to start."

**Cujo** · 26-03-2018, 09:06 AM

What is white and covers the streets first thing on a winter's morning?

Employed people.

**Cujo** · 26-03-2018, 09:07 AM

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

**Cujo** · 26-03-2018, 09:09 AM

I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and dogs and people clap and cheer.

I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.

Plus I didn't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.

**david44** · 29-03-2018, 02:06 AM

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

**david44** · 29-03-2018, 02:26 AM

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

A baby seal walks into a club.

My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

**david44** · 29-03-2018, 02:31 AM

”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”
The Taxi driver said get stuffed , last time I use Uber Taxidermy

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I rang her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

**toslti** · 30-03-2018, 09:00 AM

My old grandad used to say, "The grass is always greener on the other side."

Nice chap, useless at laying turf.

**Maanaam** · 30-03-2018, 09:52 AM

Originally Posted by david44

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I don't know... How?

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