Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by Cujo

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.

Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme’s called Fact Hunt.

Can't green ya at the mo but consider yerself honorarily greened!

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door the other day and asked if I'd like to know about God.
Being bored, and curious as to their slant on things, I invited them in.
We sat down in the lounge and I waited. After a while I asked, "Well?"
They replied, "We don't know what to say. We've never made it this far before."

Originally Posted by Maanaam

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door the other day and asked if I'd like to know about God.
Being bored, and curious as to their slant on things, I invited them in.
We sat down in the lounge and I waited. After a while I asked, "Well?"
They replied, "We don't know what to say. We've never made it this far before."

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood. We had Jehovah's Bystanders.

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Originally Posted by Maanaam

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door the other day and asked if I'd like to know about God.
Being bored, and curious as to their slant on things, I invited them in.
We sat down in the lounge and I waited. After a while I asked, "Well?"
They replied, "We don't know what to say. We've never made it this far before."

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood. We had Jehovah's Bystanders.

Originally Posted by Maanaam

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door the other day and asked if I'd like to know about God.
Being bored, and curious as to their slant on things, I invited them in.
We sat down in the lounge and I waited. After a while I asked, "Well?"
They replied, "We don't know what to say. We've never made it this far before."

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Originally Posted by Maanaam

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door the other day and asked if I'd like to know about God.
Being bored, and curious as to their slant on things, I invited them in.
We sat down in the lounge and I waited. After a while I asked, "Well?"
They replied, "We don't know what to say. We've never made it this far before."

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood. We had Jehovah's Bystanders.

Doctor: You're overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You're also ugly.

Q. What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? A. Beer in each hand!

How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

OK, If we're going there, what's the best thing a woman can put behind her ears?
Her ankles.

Clinton or Trump?

That's like picking between Kate or Gerry McCann to babysit for you.

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Clinton or Trump?

That's like picking between Kate or Gerry McCann to babysit for you.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

^ I dunno.....I've never had a man in my bed, let alone gasping for breath and calling my name.

First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"I'm fine"

Originally Posted by GracelessFawn

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

This is not the riddle thread, it's the joke thread.

You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Originally Posted by GracelessFawn

You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

We *know*. Sheesh. Try posting some thing new.

I've just painted myself head to toe in creosote, it's not often I treat myself

Jimmy phoned the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods, it contains a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," replied the operator, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest" said Jimmy, "But I suppose that would explain the suitcase."

^^^^
Took a minute!!!

Just put my 'dogging' gear on eBay. No bidders yet, but 12 people watching.

I was kidnapped by a gang of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

My local pub is pretty rough.

I went to the quiz night and the first question asked was, "What the f*#k are you looking at?"