Thread: Quick Jokes

I went to a new Indian restaurant last night and had beaver curry.
What was it like?
Like a normal curry but otter.

A man goes to the circus manager and asks for a job. The manger asks "What can you do?" "Well," says the guy, "it's easier if I show you." He starts flapping his arms, and runs then he takes off and flies around and around inside the big top, looping around the poles, perching on the high wire and eventually he swoops back to the manager and lands softly in front of him. The manager looks at him for a minute, strokes his chin and says "That's all you do? Bird impersonations?"

I'm not sayin' my wife is fat, but, she's got more chins than a Shanghai phonebook!

What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve ?
Christopher Walken.

I said to this bird "Can I smell your twat?".

She said "Certainly not!".

I said "It must be your feet then".

Funeral costs are so bloody expensive. At my mother-in-law's today, after paying for the bouncy castle and pony rides, we could barely afford the face-painting...

A policeman pulls over a car in the middle of the night: "Sir, do you realise just how badly your car was swerving all over the road?"

"I'm sorry officer, but I've been in the pub all night and I'm really drunk".

"That's no excuse to let your wife drive".

I went to the library and asked the nice lady if they'd got this new book about tiny penises.

She said "I don't think it's in yet".

I said "Yes, that's the one".

"A considerate man would give up his seat for a lady in my condition", said the pregnant lady on the bus.

"A considerate woman would have fucked a man with a car" I replied.

Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden. You know the story...naked, knew each other etc.
After the sex, Eve went down to the river to wash as she was feeling a bit sticky. Washing herself out in the water, and God comes along. He stops and yells out, "Eve, what are you doing???!!!"
"I'm just washing out my vagina, God!"
God slaps his forehead in frustration and walks away muttering, "I'll never get the smell off those fish now."

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

A policeman pulls over a car in the middle of the night: "Sir, do you realise just how badly your car was swerving all over the road?"

"I'm sorry officer, but I've been in the pub all night and I'm really drunk".

"That's no excuse to let your wife drive".

What’s the difference between a Mars Bar and an elephant?
You can’t get 5 baht off an elephant.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

What's the difference between a woman and a shopping trolley.?

A shopping trolley has a mind of it's own

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

"To the morgue."

"What? But I’m not dead yet!"

"And we’re not there yet."

A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair. “Sally,” she said, “you didn’t tell me you were going to a wedding.” “I didn’t mom,” Sally replied

I was giving a bl@wjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me

Why don’t black people take cruises?

They fell for that trick once already!

A man walks into a bar with his girlfriend. The barman says: "You're doing well for yourself. Where did you find her?"

"I met her in Thailand" he replied. "We're due to get married next month."

"You don't want to do that" the barman said. "That's when the blowjobs stop."

"I don't mind that" he said. "I don't like giving them anyway"

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into asexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed,only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

My Pommy mate says he always cries after sex,mind you he is in prison.

I sat on the edge of the bed last night pulling off my boxers,when my missus said to me,
you really spoil those dogs.

"My husband's gone to a casino in Asia".

"Tibet?".

"Why else would he go, you silly cow?".

On the news. Three Cliff Walkers have died.

What's the odd's on three people with the same name dying at the same time?