Thread: Quick Jokes

Why do men fart more loudly than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

It is a fact that women who are overweight live longer than men who mention it.

Don't you just hate people that answer their own questions? I do.

My missus says I'm immature and that we should set aside a day so we can talk like adults .Like that's gonna' happen in the middle of conker season!

A British government warning issued today advised that anyone travelling in icy or snow conditions should take the following items........


Blankets or a sleeping bag. Extra clothing including a hat, gloves and scarf. Twenty four hours supply of food and drink. De-icer. Five kilograms of Rock salt. A torch or lantern with spare batteries. Road flares and reflective triangles. A tow rope. A five gallon petrol can. First aid kit. And a set of jump leads.


I felt a right Prat when I got on the bus this morning !

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon:
"I have some good news and, I have some bad news”

The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.

The lawyer says:
“Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today and she figures they are
worth a minimum of £2 million”.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically:
“Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day;
Now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers:
“The pictures are of you shagging your secretary”.

Did you hear about the mathematician that got his calculator stuck up his arse?

He had to work it out with a pencil.!

He must've been onto something special...

People used to laugh when I would say I wanted to be a comedian. Well. nobody's laughing now!



A professor was taking in the scene at a popular L.A. nightspot when a mini-skirted Valley Girl sashayed over to him and said, "Like, I want you to totally screw my brains out." "Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies."

For those of you who enjoyed yesterday's Superbowl, it may interest you to know that the men's version starts on Friday.


When people blow something out of proportion - hyperbole

When people blow something REALLY out of proportion - Superbowl.


Scientists have just discovered an alternative to sleeping tablets in treating Insomnia.

It's called the Superbowl.


Did anyone else hear 40,000 fat people moan and grunt when the announcer at the Superbowl asked everyone to "stand" for the National Anthem?

Originally Posted by Chittychangchang

Did anyone else hear 40,000 fat people moan and grunt when the announcer at the Superbowl asked everyone to "stand" for the National Anthem?

Yes I did, they were all mussie fat cvnts with the crack off their asses sticking up in the air.

Originally Posted by Chittychangchang

For those of you who enjoyed yesterday's Superbowl, it may interest you to know that the men's version starts on Friday.


When people blow something out of proportion - hyperbole

When people blow something REALLY out of proportion - Superbowl.


Scientists have just discovered an alternative to sleeping tablets in treating Insomnia.

It's called the Superbowl.


Did anyone else hear 40,000 fat people moan and grunt when the announcer at the Superbowl asked everyone to "stand" for the National Anthem?

What's the superbowl?
Is that Dennies new extra large soup of the day?

This morning I was beaten up in a lift by woman with big tits.

I was staring at her frontage when she said " press one please "

I did.

I don't remember much after that.

My internet was down for five minutes so I went downstairs and spoke to my family.













They seem like nice people.

I see that Bruce Jenner has been involved in a traffic accident that had a fatality.

Looks like he’s already starting to drive like a woman.

Never confuse a Colostomy Bag with a Whoopee Cushion ...I just totally ruined Grandma's 90th Birthday.

Two colored guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other,
"You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second colored guy says, "Yeah, all the time." The first one asked, "Why is that?"
The second says, " dat be the pepper spray.

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

Two colored guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other,
"You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second colored guy says, "Yeah, all the time." The first one asked, "Why is that?"
The second says, " dat be the pepper spray.

I put that up just last week.

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

Two colored guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other,
"You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second colored guy says, "Yeah, all the time." The first one asked, "Why is that?"
The second says, " dat be the pepper spray.

I put that up just last week.

OK, Sheriff...