Thread: Safety Jokes

Q: When does a person decide to become a Safety Manager?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do safety Managers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities

Q: How can you tell an extroverted safety Manager?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your safety shoes instead of his own

Any time a Safety Manager is seen but not heard, it’s a shame to wake him.

What do you get if you put 100 Safety Managers in your basement?
A whine cellar.

Costume Party
A safety officer went to a costume party with a girl on his back. "What are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail," the safety officer replied. The host raised his eyebrows. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not a girl," the safety officer replied. "That's Michelle."

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a Safety Manager?

An offer you can't understand.

What’s the difference between God and a Safety Manager?

God doesn’t think he’s a Safety Manager.

Bonus
Our company offers a bonus award for employee ideas that improve safety, quality or performance.
A co-worker noticed there was a power switch suspended 16 feet over our machinery.
He suggested that a chain be attached to the switch, allowing it to be pulled for quick shut-off in an emergency.
The suggestion went through channels and was rejected.
One reason given was that "the chain might be pushed up one day, accidentally turning the power switch on."

^ Yeah. I am sorry but that shite is just lame. Not funny, not humerous. Just lame.

^
Each to their own, I think there funny.

Are you a safety manager/supervisor or what?

COSHH
A woman was killed from chlorine gas poisoning when she mixed Harpic and Domestos together in a confined space. She had inadvertently created the same conditions as experienced by the soldiers during a gas attack in the trenches of the First World War

Dentist
The cap of a man’s tooth fell out so he phoned the dentist to ask if it could be replaced.
“Yes,” said the dentist, “but it will cost you £75.”
“No way,” said the man and went off to buy a 50p tube of superglue and stuck the cap back carefully. He woke up in hospital. Superglue contains a cyanide chemical.

^ Let me take a wild, crazy stab at guessing you work or worked in an industry where safety officers are part of the scene?

^
Doesn't everybody???

Electric Shock

Two workmen were digging foundations when one of them started shouting and jumping about .
The other one thought his partner had hit an underground power cable and was being electrocuted so following good h&s practice used a shovel to separate him from the electricity .
Luckily for the first worker he wasn't getting an electric shock but was panicking after a wasp had flown up his trousers (well wouldn't you panic).
Luckily he didn't get stung but the second worker hit him so hard with the shovel that his shoulder was dislocated .

Originally Posted by jojo333

^
Doesn't everybody???

Well, no. rather the point I would have thought.

OK here is one:

Two amoeba were sitting in a petri dish and one said to the other " I fancy a cup of tea". The other replied "its well past my cell cycle time!"

Oh my. That used to have us in stitches back in the day.

Oil?

This section should be renamed 'Jokes and Funny stories and threads started by jojo333'

Originally Posted by slimboyfat

This section should be renamed 'Jokes and Funny stories and threads started by jojo333'

Agreed. Then binned with just about every other post he's made.

Originally Posted by slimboyfat

This section should be renamed 'Jokes and Funny stories and threads started by jojo333'

There should be a section called "Threads before bedtime"
Great for insomniacs.

Another one for LEO



A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

WINE CELLAR
What do you get if you put 100 Safety Managers in your basement?
A whine cellar.

PREGNANT
How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future Safety Manager?
She has an extreme craving for baloney.



How many Safety Managers can you place on the point of a needle?
Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.

^ Fuck me sideways.

This one used to crack a rib for us:

Q: Whats the chemical symbol for diarrhea?


(CO(NH2)2)2

What a fucking hoot eh?.

Originally Posted by jojo333

Costume Party
A safety officer went to a costume party with a girl on his back. "What are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail," the safety officer replied. The host raised his eyebrows. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not a girl," the safety officer replied. "That's Michelle."

love it...............