Anal Sex

**Boon Mee** · 26-03-2010, 01:08 PM

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
˜Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.
˜Actually, yes, I do."
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
˜No. I rather like it."
˜Well, then", the doctor continued, ˜there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. ˜What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
˜Of course", the doctor replied. ˜Where do you think people like Nancy Pelosi come from?"

**Pink Panty** · 26-03-2010, 01:24 PM

A man walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun,
he demands that the woman at the counter "take it out".
"We have no money sir, this is a sperm bank", she replies.
"I don't care" says the robber,
"take it out and drink it down!", he damands.
Scared for her life she drinks down a sperm sample.
"Do it again" the angry robber yells, and the woman complies.
Taking off his mask the woman realizes it's her husband...
he looks her in the eye and says "see I told you it wasn't so bad".

**mr Fred** · 26-03-2010, 04:47 PM

21 ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED WITH COWS
There were going to be 22 but the Irish cow was brighter than the owner.

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE C ORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have not one.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

**mr Fred** · 26-03-2010, 04:48 PM

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table
with all my buddies watching, while your stripper partner tickled my balls with a feather
as she whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

'No sir, I'm your son's teacher.'

**mr Fred** · 26-03-2010, 04:49 PM

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard"

**nidhogg** · 26-03-2010, 06:37 PM

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

˜Where do you think people like Nancy Pelosi come from?"

Sigh. Yet another joke needlessly sacrificed on the alter of "republican" "humour".

Tell you one thing that is abundantly clear Boon Mee from this and the "political jokes/piccies thread", and thats the fact that you republicans are one sure humourless bunch of mofos. And this from a brit who, in all honesty could not give a shit about american politics.

**Marmite the Dog** · 26-03-2010, 06:59 PM

Originally Posted by nidhogg

And this from a brit who, in all honesty could not give a shit about american politics.

Why not? It's fucking up so many aspect of the world we live in.

**nidhogg** · 26-03-2010, 07:02 PM

Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog

Originally Posted by nidhogg

And this from a brit who, in all honesty could not give a shit about american politics.

Why not? It's fucking up so many aspect of the world we live in.

Because which ever side is in control - they will fuck it up. Therefore in real terms it matters not.

I suppose the only real difference is in how they will fuck it up. Kind of like do you want your anal gang rape with or without KY?

Both ways ya get fucked.....

On edit: I suppose my real beef with boon mees stuff is that its simply not funny. Rehashing that old joke (and its a bloody old joke) to fit his particular political bias is just tedious. I would not mind so much if the crap was funny. Its just not.

**the dogcatcher** · 26-03-2010, 07:12 PM

What's the difference between marbles and babies?

**mr Fred** · 26-03-2010, 07:37 PM

^^^
you can unload babies from a truck with a pitchfork.

**TSR2** · 26-03-2010, 07:51 PM

Originally Posted by nidhogg

my real beef with boon mees stuff is that its simply not funny.

Matter of opinion,

**wefearourdespot** · 26-03-2010, 10:28 PM

Originally Posted by mr Fred

NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

Actually the one who killed a couple of millions of kulaki was Stalin, not Hitler.

**wefearourdespot** · 26-03-2010, 10:33 PM

Originally Posted by mr Fred

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard"

**wefearourdespot** · 26-03-2010, 10:36 PM

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

˜Of course", the doctor replied. ˜Where do you think people like Nancy Pelosi come from?"

Yet I am incapable to figure a butt so ugly to defecate a Nancy thing .

**ferretface** · 27-03-2010, 12:15 AM

what do you call an irishman thats been dead 500 years.....pete

**kingwilly** · 27-03-2010, 04:53 AM

And whaddya call a man with a spade in his head? Doug!

**ferretface** · 28-03-2010, 03:37 PM

what dya call an arab with a pig and a vibrator on his head......sheikh muhamed

**Boon Mee** · 02-04-2010, 04:14 AM

Originally Posted by nidhogg

Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog

Originally Posted by nidhogg

And this from a brit who, in all honesty could not give a shit about american politics.

Why not? It's fucking up so many aspect of the world we live in.

Because which ever side is in control - they will fuck it up. Therefore in real terms it matters not.

I suppose the only real difference is in how they will fuck it up. Kind of like do you want your anal gang rape with or without KY?

Both ways ya get fucked.....

On edit: I suppose my real beef with boon mees stuff is that its simply not funny. Rehashing that old joke (and its a bloody old joke) to fit his particular political bias is just tedious. I would not mind so much if the crap was funny. Its just not.

Heh...this might make a Century yet. Keep it up boys!

**ItsRobsLife** · 03-04-2010, 07:23 AM

What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?

You can't get your meat brown in a microwave.

**peter000** · 04-04-2010, 08:00 AM

7 Things You’ll Never Hear a Man Say

7) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!

6) Here honey, you use the remote.

5) While I’m up, can I get you anything?

4) Sex isn’t that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

3) Aww, forget the footie, let’s watch a nice, romantic comedy instead.

2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1) We never talk anymore.

7 Things You’ll Never Hear a Woman Say

7) What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

6) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch the footie.

5) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!

4) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being "just friends."

3) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

2) Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

1) I don’t care if it’s on sale, $300 is way too much for a designer dress.

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