Thread: Obama Jokes

FUNNY!

Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., an aide to the former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”

Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”

The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”

As Pelosi’s aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Nancy Pelosi was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, “While Nancy Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some; the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted.

The Cardinal concluded, “But, when compared with President Obama, Nancy Pelosi is a saint.”

Barack Obama was touring Missouri in his chauffeur-driven limo. Suddenly,
a donkey runs onto the road. They hit it doing 50--then screech to a stop.
The chauffeur gets out, examines the remains and reports that the animal's dead.
Obama says, 'You were driving; You've gotta go find the farmer and tell him.'

Hours later,the chauffeur returns very drunk, hair mussed up, wearing a big grin.
'Good Lord, man...where on earth have you been?' asks Obama.
The chauffeur says: 'Once I found him, the farmer poured me his 25yr.old whiskey,
his wife made me an incredible meal and their gorgeous daughter made love to me.'

'That's extraordinary...what on earth did you say to them?' demands Obama.

'Well Sir, I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them,
"I'm Barack Obama's chauffeur---and I've just killed the jackass."

Bit of a misnomer in the title of this thread BM.

Gold Medal Stripped!


The International Olympic Committee announced today that they have taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn. Olympic officials, perhaps bowing to political pressure, said President Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn, because no one has ever taken a country downhill faster than he has.

So the Romneys are selfish for keeping a horse?

And employing a groom with a family to support.

And paying for feed that’s sold by someone with a family to support

And transported in trucks by someone with a family to support

And manufactured in a factory by people with families to support

And made from stuff that’s grown by farmers with families to support.

And having a barn built by construction workers with families to support with materials trucked by drivers with families to support

And made with materials from factories with workers with families to support.


Sounds to me like Mitt Romney's one horse has already done more to
put Americans to work, than that horse’s ass in the White House.

"How about that Michael Phelps? But let's remember he didn't win all those medals, someone else did. After all, he and I swam in public pools, built by state employees using tax dollars. He got training from the USOC, and ate food grown by the Department of Agriculture. He should play fair and share his medals with people like me, who can barely keep my head above water, let alone swim."

The Obama jokes I know: Michelle and Biden

The Obama joke I know: He's gonna be with you for four more years.

Now that the convention is over and Mitt is supposed to be a practical joker. Mitt dials 1-800-Barry and says…

Hey Barry, we still have the National Debt Clock from our convention and I was wondering if you good put it to good use. Think of the dramatic impact it'll have at the DNC when it strikes $16 Trillion!
I'll ship it to you for free…

There is some muffled chatter at the other end of the line and then Mitt says with a smile…

I thought Clint told you I can do that to myself.

Davy Jones of the 60's group "The Monkeys" died last week.
The news paper headlines read, "The Lead Monkey is dead!"

When Joe Biden read the paper, he ran around the White House yelling..........
"I'm the president, I’m the president!”

Can you imagine his disappointment?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said,

'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'


He ignored us and continued writing the
ticket. I called him an “a$$hole.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Kate called him a “sh*t head.” He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012 stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

this was awesome.. lol

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama. Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama and I hope you'll vote for me this November." She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"

^ hillarious

Check out the following list of features that distinguish the free ObamaPhone from a regular cell phone:

• It automatically rejects calls from people with a different opinion.
• Every time you take a picture, it produces a grimmer image of America.
• It doesn't have a plan; it just keeps telling you how bad the other guy's plan is.
• When it crashes, it blames your previous phone.
• All 3 AM calls go directly to voicemail.
• It has a really useless app called "Biden."
• Pairing it with another device sucks all the energy out of the other unit.
• Type in "job search" and it gives you directions to the welfare office.
• The navigation feature covers all 57 States.
• The default ringtone for international calls is "I'm sorry, so sorry, please accept my apology."
• The healthcare app downloads and installs itself without your permission.
• When you make a call, a teleprompter pops up to help you speak.
• Restaurant reviews are all written by Michelle Obama.
• There are never any winners on Angry Birds.
• Instagram takes two months to process a photo and you have to fill out 3 PDFs to do so.
• Paypal app is replaced with ReceivePal app.
• You can't find "Jerusalem" on Google maps.
• It turns all your Facebook friends into enemies and all your enemies into friends.
• Don't want to work? There's an app for that, too.
• It automatically bows down to phones made by foreign companies.
• When you watch a YouTube video, a US ambassador gets killed.
• When you dial "home", it calls Kenya.
• As opposed to the iPhone, it's called the mePhone

"Of course rules have to be enforced, we need to make sure things are fair, (sarcastically) that's why we have the press."-- Mitt Romney referring to Obama's flacks in the Media


"You can't get through an election without someone who truly stands with you. I have my lovely wife Ann, he has Bill Clinton". -- Mitt Romney

That other man running for president has a similarity to Walter MItty

^
This is the Jokes Thread.

Subjective commentary not appropriate.

errrmm, that was a joke

sorry you didn't find it funny

Heard on Jay Leno:

Leno: Obama’s top debate pt was saying how sanctions are crippling Iran’s economy. And if anyone knows about crippling an economy it’s Obama.

A Poem:

Barack be nimble
Barack be quick
Barack be history
November 6th

I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Obama.

They all hang together; half of the little bastards don't work; and the ones that do aren't that bright.

how was the hangover?