Thread: Irish Joke!!

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either'.

Originally Posted by dirtydog

Originally Posted by DrB0b

Where have I ever demanded respect from others? Commanded yes, demanded no

Why are you bothering replying to something texpat posted at 4am? He aint gonna remember posting it unless he actually passed out at that time on his keyboard

He posted it twice, 30 minutes apart, it must have been important to him

Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.

An Australian, a German and a Tallaght man are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Becks. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

'What's wrong?' says Jesus. The Tallaght man shouts, f**k off, I'm on disability benefit!'

^ Coincedently I'm doing at bit of Market Research over on an Irish Forum, so if I come across some more, I'll let ye know

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize
a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................

"I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years"

The dangerous wife
During the week, an immigrant from Poland entered our Garda station in Tralee to report that his Irish wife was planning to kill him.

The Garda on desk duty was intrigued, and asked - how sure are you that she is going to kill you?, did she threaten to kill you, did you hear her tell someone else that she was going to kill you or did someone tell you that your wife was going to kill you ?????????No no no, the man replied.

The Garda was getting a bit pissed off at this stage and said "sir - PPPleasse tell me why you think your wife is trying to kill you.
I found this little bottle on her dresser, I think that she is going to poison me. He handed the suspect bottle to the Garda, the Garda took the bottle and started to laugh as he read the label, which read POLISH REMOVER.




Two friends go to a prostitute.

The first guy goes in and comes out ten minutes later and said,

"My wife's better than that."

So the next guy goes in, comes out ten minutes later and said,

"You're right, your wife is better than that."

Paddys general knowledge
Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to
have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can
have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin' deadly at General
Knowledge.
This is gonna be sooo easy!'
Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what our
country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"
Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher
looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. "Yes, Farqhuar?"
Farqhuar (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F
Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we
will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even more
determined.

Teacher: 'Who said."We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight
them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never
surrender?"

Little Paddy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I
know. Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe,
sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin?"

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is
Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's been
studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: '"Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind?'"

Little Paddy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his
seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know.
Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee "

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes
Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English
accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon
landing."

Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back into class on Tuesday."

Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee
chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE
ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?"

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: "Who said
that?"

Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, Padraig Pearse", GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss.

^
Rupert got it wrong. Moon-landing was in 1969.

^ Copy and paste off an irish forum Don't expect 'em to spot the mistakes

I told Murphy my dad flew in Wellingtons during the war, he then jumped off of the tenth floor bacony in Pattaya!

paddy and murphy are at work paddy is digging holes murphy is filling them in again. "what the hells are you pair up too" shouts the forman. "we're normally a three man gang" replies paddy " but the tree planters off sick today

Jesus was strolling through Heaven one day when he saw an old man sitting on a cloud, staring into the distance.
"Old Man" said Jesus, "this is Heaven, why are you so sad?"
The old man didn't bother to turn his head as he said "I've been looking for my son, and I haven't been able to find him".
Jesus said "Tell me about it".
"Well" said the old man, still gazing to the sunlit horizon, "on earth, I was a carpenter, and one day my son went away. I've never heard from him again, and I was hoping I'd find him here in Heaven".
His heart suddenly pounding in his chest, Jesus bent over the man and said "Father?"
The old man turned and replied "Pinnochio?".

Originally Posted by penelope

The Irish jokes are always the best!

I love Irish jokes but they really should be Thai jokes, seeing as where we are living.

Anyway, try this one for size:

This man's son needs a brain transplant, so he goes to the brain shop, where there are 3 brains on sale;

An English brain for 500 pounds, a German brain for 700 pounds (more effiecient!) anD a Thai brain for 2,000 pounds.

The man turns to the shop owner and gasps "why is the Thai brain so expensive?"

The owner replies "well, it's never been used!"

YOU LOVE IT!!!

LAWS!

1. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.

2. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

3. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.

4. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.

5. Under the UKÕs Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you donÕt want him to know, though you donÕt have to tell him anything you donÕt mind him knowing.

6. In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.

7. In the state of Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.

8. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.

9. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants Ð even, if she so requests, in a policemanÕs helmet.

10. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.

11. In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.

12. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

13. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.

14. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.

15. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.

16. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.

17. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.

18. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.

19. In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.

20. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

21. In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.

22. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a womanÕs genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror.

23. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.

24. 'If two Railway Engines meet at a crossing, it is illegal for either to continue until the other has passed.'

25. Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine