Thread: A Load Of Jokes :)

Two geezers are sitting in a pub. After several hours hard drinking, one bloke hiccups, drops his chin and vomits all down his shirt.

Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "Bollocks, I've got to go home. I'm already 3 hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself, my missus is going to kill me."

His mate say, "You should do what I always do. Just put a 20 quid note in your front pocket and when you get home, you tell the wife some bloke chucked up all over you at the taxi rank and he gave you the cash to pay for the dry cleaning."

"Brilliant, says the first guy, and he orders another round to celebrate.
After a couple more hours he finally heads off home.
He gets through the front door and his wife takes one look at him and says "Look at you! You're five hours late, totally pissed and you've vomited all over your shirt. You're a disgrace!"
He says, "Wait a minute, love. Some drunk bloke threw up on me and gave me twenty quid to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket."

She reaches in and pulls out two twenty quid notes.

She says, "Wait there's 40 quid in here!"

He says, "Oh yeah, he shat in my pants too"




There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbour's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy" said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop" said the boy. "Yes" replied his father. "The bull just fucked the brown cow." There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside.

"Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow." The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said"Hey, Daddy." "Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?" "He sure did, Pappy! He fucked the brown cow again!"



Trust Beckham

A plane was about to crash and there were 5 people on board and only 4 parachutes.

The first person said. " I am Roy Keane, one of the best footballers in Ireland. I am worth a lot of money and my fans need me so I think I should be saved."

The others agreed and gave him one of the parachutes and off he went.

The second person said "I am Gerry Adams, a radical Irish politician who can really help my country and I think I should be saved."
The others said." O.K." and gave him a parachute.
The third person said "I am David Beckham, captain of the English National squad. I have a wife and two sons. Everyone knows I am a really nice guy and everyone thinks I am stupid, but I'm not, so I am taking a parachute." and off he went.
There were two folk left, the Pope and a 10 year old schoolgirl.
The Pope said, "child I am old and frail and have lived my life while you are young with everything before you. You take the parachute and I will stay with the aircraft and take my chance"

"It's O.K." said the girl, "there are still two parachutes. David Beckham picked up my schoolbag."




This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, in October 1995. The transcript was released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10th October 1995.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS: This is the aircraft carrier US Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North, I say again, 15 degrees North, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.




A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was

deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly

his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away,

leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and

looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going

again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he

could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.



As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed

that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.



Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel

pump."



The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the

hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.



There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was

amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel

pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."



Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the

key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short

thanks to the horse and screeched away.



When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large

whiskey, please!" he said.



A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,

"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"



"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the

rancher.



The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you

say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"



The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"



"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because

the black horse don't know shit about cars!"




[true] A colleague of mine has asked me to check some flights out, and its cheaper to go from dublin via heathrow to washington than it is JUST for the London-usa leg....Which remionded me of this old email [/true]

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I Already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a litre" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: I can't believe this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for Your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which You started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.


"Yew ain are yah?"
(You haven't, have you?)
"Om gooner bed"
(I'm going to bed)
"Avin a bidder foon"
(Having a bit of fun)
"Om goowin dayn tayn"
(I'm going down town)
"God blarmey"
(God blimey)
"Yoo goo bugga yersalf"
(You go bugger yourself)
"Are yer got that fing reddy yit?"
(Have you got that thing ready yet?)




A filthy rich man in North Carolina decided that he
wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He
also invited Bubba, the
only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party
around the pool in the
backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a
good time drinking, dancing,
eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with
the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have
a 10ft man-eating gator
in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to
anyone who has the nerve to
jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there
was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Bubba in the pool!
Bubba was fighting the
gator and kicking its ass! Bubba was jabbing the gatoreyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke
holds, biting the gator on
the tail and flipping the gator through the air
like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing
everywhere. Both Bubba and
the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally
Bubba strangled the
gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart
goldfish.
Bubba then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him
in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Bubba, I reckon I owe
you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Bubba.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you
something. You won the bet. How
about half a million bucks then?"
No thanks. I don't want it," answered Bubba.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
something. "Don't want no money atall. " repeated Bubba.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Bubba, then
what do you want?"
Bubba said, "I would like the name of the sumbitch who
pushed me in the pool."



Mary had a little skirt,
with splits right up the sides,
And every time that Mary walked,
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt,
twas split right up the front ...
but she didn't wear that one very often........

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill,
And now there's little Franky.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over,
Rover took over,
and gave her a bone of his own.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman," What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon, "Pies, you dickhead".

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said "F*ck him, He's only an egg".

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.



REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK
* It's an incentive to show up.

* It reduces stress.

* Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

* It leads to more honest communications.

* It reduces complaints about low pay.

* It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

* Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

* It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

* It encourages carpooling.

* Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

* It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

* It makes fellow employees look better.

* It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

* Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

* Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

* Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

* Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

* It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

* Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.

* Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

* Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (?)

* It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

* The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

* Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

* Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language



Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I
need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When
the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was
re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry
passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the
counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST
CLASS." The agent replied, I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able
to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,
so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I
AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice
heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate
14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing
hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and
swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching she smiled and said, "I'm sorry,
sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Snappy Answer #6
THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her
class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a
serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family
but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever! A smart-ass guy in the back
of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I
said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The
entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand. "



This guy is pacing up and down at home, while his wife is giving birth in hospital, he's so squeemish he can't face watching the birth, so he rings the hospital and asks how she's getting on, the nurse says " Two so far,but there is more on the way", he can't believe it so he downs half a bottle of vodka, five minutes later he rings again "4 so far but i think there is still more to come", he, by now is so shocked, so he downs the other half of the vodka, by now he's legless so instead of ringing the hospital, by accident he dials lords cricket ground and says " Can you tell me the latest?", and the woman on the other end says "Sixty seven all out, and the last one was a duck"


A man and wife walk into a marriage counselors office to get help with their relationship. The counselor states that they should find some common ground and asks them to list the things they have in common. There is long silence. Then the man says "Well... neither one of us sucks dick..."



> This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and
a
> group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to
believe
> in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
>
> A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building
plot..
One
> day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start
> building a house on the empty plot.
>
> The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all
the
> activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She
hung
> around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or
less
> adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted
with
her,
> let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave
her
> little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
>
> At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope
> containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay'
home to
> her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to
the
> bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the
bank
the
> cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her
about
her
> 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
>
> "You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank
cashier.
>
> The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men
> building a big house."
>
> "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the
house
> again this week, as well?"
>
> The little girl thought for a moment and said,
>
> "I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f**king
bricks.




A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up.."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for Fucks sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"



A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off!

Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter.
The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age,the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."


The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"




There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's
receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in
a room full of other patients. I know most of us have
experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's
office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist
said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for
today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You
shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things
like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,"
he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused
some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You
should have said there is something wrong with your
ear or something and then discussed the problem
further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a
room full of others, if the answer could embarrass
anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes
and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,
knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong
with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't! piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.






What do women really want?
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question? What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day.... or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below, BUT.... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is: .... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... things are going to get ugly!







How to shower like a woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
basket according to whites and coloureds. Walk to
bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups.

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth,
long loofah, wide loofah and pumicestone.

Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43
added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is
clean.

Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for
15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10
minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa
cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in
shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small
country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any
exposed areas.



How to shower like a man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
leave in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the
way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.

Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of
knob and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in
your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Make fart noises (real or artifical) and laugh at how
loud they sound in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving four pubes
stuck on the soap.

Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry
off.

Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire knob size in
mirror again. Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on
the floor, leave light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass
wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make
woo-hoo noise. Again.

Throw wet towel on bed.







Conversations overheard between pilots and Air Traffic Control

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************** ******************************
******************

Tower: "American 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees."

Amer.2341: Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?
************************************************** ******************************
******************

>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a VERY long take-off queue: "I'm f....ing bored!"

Tower: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f.....ing stupid!"
************************************************** ******************************
******************

Ohare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the Little Fokker in sight."
************************************************** ******************************
****************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for take-off."
************************************************** ******************************
*****************

A 757 had come in a little "hot" and thus had an exceedingly long roll-out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "Delta 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

Jock: "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, a United 777 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

Flight attendant: "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she explained. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
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A United 767 flight waiting for start clearance in Frankfurt overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground: (in English) "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa: (in English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful proper British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
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****************

Tower: "Delta 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7."

Delta 702: "Tower, Delta 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway"

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take off behind Delta 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Delta 702?

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take off, roger; and yes, we copied Delta...we've already notified our caterers."
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The German ATC at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. It was with some amusement, that we, a British Airline 707 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt Ground Control and a British Airways 707, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 707 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

BA 206: "Stand-by Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground: (With quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

BA 206: "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,---and I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a USAir flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a Continental 757. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: "USAir 2771, where are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you and how I tell you! YOU GOT THAT, US AIR 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of USAir 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"






A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. They had their doubts about putting their Jewish son in a private Catholic school, but thought his education came first.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!"









Subject: Darwin Awards


They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - Its an Annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees are:

1.) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline>with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

2.) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

3.) A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

4.) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

5.) Employee in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas presumed a leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two "technicians" from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of the warehouse up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter, being at the exact center of the resulting blast, was virtually untouched by the explosion. The "technician" suspected of causing the blast, had never been thought of by his peers as "all there."

And the Winner:

6.) Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome, Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the post of the ball washer was more than strong enough to support his body weight, and his sack was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez then broke a new $300.00 graphite shaft driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was attempting to use as a cane. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

This last one wouldn't normally count, because the golfer didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.








One day in school, teacher asks her students to tell her what part of the body gets to heaven first. Little Janie raises her hand and replies "teacher, I know, I know, the first part of the body to get to heaven first is your mind, because of the understanding of the bible.” teachers says "good Janie anyone else?" Bobby raises his hand and says” the first part to get into heaven is your heart, because of the love for everyone else, and the love of God" teacher says" good Bobby, anyone else?" dirty Ernie raises his hand and replies” teacher its your feet! The teacher, looking very dumbfounded asks Ernie to explain. Ernie says” the other night I got up from bed to go get a drink of milk, when out of mommy and daddies room I heard a commotion, I peeked through the door, daddy was on top of mommy, with mommy's feet stuck straight up in the air, mommy was yelling "oh God I’m coming I’m coming!" and you know what I think? she would’ve probably be gone if daddy wasn’t holding her down!"






A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter
a password.. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer
asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife
that he was keying in ....
P...
E...
N...
I...
S.

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***








A teacher in an International school sets her class of 8 year olds an assignment for after the Summer holiday, to tell a story which has a moral.

First day back after the holiday she gets the kids to stand up, one at a time, and deliver their story.

Jenny:

'Well Miss, we went to stay with our grandma & granddad on their farm. They keep a lot of hens and take their eggs to market every morning to sell. One morning we collected about a hundred eggs and put them in a basket in the back of the pick-up truck and went off to market. When we got there we found that the basket had fallen over and all of the eggs were broken'.

Teacher:

'And what is the moral of the story?'

Jenny:

'Don't keep all your eggs in one basket Miss'

Teacher:

'Well done Jenny. OK, now lets hear from you Sarah'

Sarah:

We live in South Africa and my uncle and auntie have a big chicken farm. They've had a problem with bird flu and most of the hens died so they had to buy a lot of eggs and put them in incubators. My uncle said he needed at least 80 percent to hatch to keep the farm going or he would have to sell up. Unfortunately, only 60 percent hatched'

Teacher:

'Adn what is moral?'

Sarah:

' Don't count your chickesn before they're hatched Miss'

Teacher: 'Well done Sarah. Now what about you Tommy?'

Tommy:

'Well Miss. We come from Australia. My Uncle Fred was an air force pilot during the Vietnam war and used to fly big transport aircraft. One day when he was on a mission over North Vietnam his plane was hit by a SAM missile and caught fire. He had to give the order to bale out. Before he jumped he grabbed an M16 and a box of ammo, a machete and a case of beer. On the way down on his parachute he got thirsty and so he drank the case of beer. When he landed in the jungle, you wouldn't read about it, he fell right in the middle of a company of Vietcong regulars who attacked him. He fired back and managed to kill 60 of them before his ammo was finished. So, he went hand-to-hand with the machete and killed another 40 before the machete broke. He then strangled the last 20 of` 'em with his bare hands. He was the only survivor. And that's my story Miss.'

Teacher:

'That's a terrible story Tommy but what's the moral?'

Tommy:

'I thought that was obvious Miss. Don’t f**k with my Uncle Fred when he's had a few beers!'