Two drunks are in a pub.
One says to the other 'I've fcuked your mother, pushed my c*ck down her throat then boned her up the ar*e'.
The other drunk says 'I think you've had enough to drink now, Dad'.

A 13 year old girl sits on Santa's knee.
Santa says 'What would you like for Christmas?'
The girl says 'I want some hair round my fanny'.
Santa says 'Would a white beard be OK?'

A man goes into Superdrug and asks 'Have you got KY Jelly?'
'No, sorry', says the assistant, 'have you tried Boots?'
The man replies 'I wanted to slide it in, not fcuking march it in!'

A man goes down on a woman and says 'Fcuk, that stinks!'
The woman says 'It's my arthritis'.
He says 'What, in your c*nt?'
She says 'No, in my shoulder, I can't wipe my arse'.

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire.
The fireman asks 'how do we get there?'
'HELLOO!' she replies, 'In the fcuking big red truck!'


A tramp walks into a jewellers and casually begins to finger
his own arse.
The jeweller screams 'GET OUT'
The tramp points to the sign 'COME IN AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT!'

Teacher to class 'What does your dad do at weekends?'
Little Johnny 'He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right, he lets punters bang his arse and let them come in his mouth'.
Teacher pulls him to one side and says 'Johnny, is that true?'
'No Miss, he goes to watch Rangers but I'm too embarrassed to
say that'.

A Jewish boy was born with no eyelids.
Doctors are going to operate using old foreskins, but his mum's worried he might turn out cock-eyed.

A lesbian goes to the doctors and the doctor says 'that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen'.
'Thank you' says the lesbian. 'I have a woman in twice a week!'

Why do women have orgasms?
So that they can moan even when they're enjoying themselves.

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you one off the wrist, do you think:
a. You need more time together
b. She's a fcuking prude
c. She should have sat somewhere else on the bus.

A pregnant Irish girl phones home.
'Mam oi tink me waters have broke'.
'Oh me holy Jaysus where are ya ringing from?'
'Oim ringing from me minge to me ankles'.

A man comes home from the pub very late and very drunk.
His wife says 'OK smartarse, explain the lipstick on your shirt'.
'Fcukin easy', he said. 'I used my shirt to wipe my cock'.

Kylie, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street.
Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings.
Robbie pulls her knickers down and fcuks her senseless.
He turns to Elton, says 'your turn' but Elton starts crying.
'What's wrong', asks Robbie?
Elton sobs and says 'my head won't fit in the railings'.

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
99.9% said 'the fcuking 10 minutes
silence.