Thread: too long for quick jokes....

Solly. I gave myself a red for that.

Hrrmph !

I hope this teaches you a good lesson to just cool it with being so strict in the humour section.

The mods moved it (or Butters hacked in and did it). It was in the quick jokes thread yesterday.

.........

Stick to the fcuking jokes!

A woman buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life...

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite Bruce.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them …

Finally Bruce asks:
”Are you wearing crutchless knickers?”

“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.

“Thank Christ for that …. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite.”

Originally Posted by Cujo

Originally Posted by Latindancer

...

Quick jokes dickhead.
THERE'S EVEN A SPECIAL THREAD FOR JOKES THAT ARE TOO LONG FOR THIS THREAD.
(now trousersnake the old woman is going to red me for 'bullying' you. but then you are two old women alike)

See what happens when you try and be a smartarse?

Two gay guys are on a plane.

"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks the first one.

"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..." says the second one

"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

He stands up and asks loudly "Does anyone have a pencil?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is busy or just not paying attention.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?"

So the two have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and everyone are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man.
"A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

“Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments, a young man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?”

Young chap got a job as a driver for a rich family who lived on a remote farm and his first job was to pick up the daughter who was coming home from university. He was getting a lot of teasing from the other staff telling him she was a sex maniac, watch yourself she will be into your pants quick time.

He picked up the young lady then on the way home on a deserted stretch of road he got a puncture.

He got the car jacked up as she watched out the window but no matter what he did he couldnt get the hub cap off after a lot of pulling pushing an banging she lent out the window and said "Would you like a screwdriver"

"Might as well" he says "I cant get this bloody hub cap off"

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

Originally Posted by toslti

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

Mahatama Gandhi used to walk barefooted which caused him to have callouses on
feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be frail, and with his odd diet,
He suffered from bad breath.
This made him:
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

An old one but what the heck.


A man is stuck in traffic on the Hume Highway at Bass Hill.
He asked a Police officer about the delay, as he is walking from car to car, speaking with each of the drivers.

The Policeman says, “There are three Muslims blocking the traffic and threatening to douse themselves with petrol
and set themselves on fire if we don't get them airline tickets to the Middle East. So we're taking up a collection for them.”

The Man replies “How much have you got so far?”

The Policemen responds, “About 60 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning”

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

yeah good one

Originally Posted by Neo

yeah good one

For me too!!

A newspaper advertisement advised a special on trans-Atlantic ship cruises, London to USA. Only 50 pounds. Guy was excited about this and duly went down to the travel office where he paid his money and promptly got hit on the head, only to wake up chained to the oars of a galley.
"FFS, I didn't expect this. I reckon they'll fly me back first class though."
And from down the back an Irish voice replied, "They didn't last year".

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

A young mother was pushing her baby along the street in Manchester when suddenly a huge rottweiler dog lunged towards the pram, gnashing its teeth. The young woman thought for a moment that the dog would kill them when suddenly a man rushed over, wrestled with the rottweiler and broke it's neck with his bare hands.

Another man rushed to the scene and said, "I am a reporter and I saw everything that happened. Wait until I put the headline in my paper. It will read 'Manchester United fan saves baby from savage rottweiler!"

"No you can't write that!" replied the man.

"But why not?" said the reporter.

"Because I am not a Manchester United fan, that's why!" replied the man.

"Oh, okay then," said the reporter, "I will write Manchester City supporter saves mother and baby from savage rottweiler!"

"You can't write that either," said the man.

"Why not?" asked the reporter.

"Because I am a Liverpool fan!" replied the man.

"Oh I see," said the reporter, "How about this then, 'Scouse twat kills family pet!"

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:

“Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

• I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change. Ken Cheng
• Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle
• I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point? Alexei Sayle
• I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her. Lew Fitz
• I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated. Andy Field
• Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant. Mark Simmons
• I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it… Jimeoin
• I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house. Ed Byrne
• I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine. Olaf Falafel
• Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!' Alasdair Beckett-King
• A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event. Angela Barnes
• As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer. Adele Cliff
• For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it. Phil Wang
• I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark. Adam Hess
• I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act. Tim Vine

Originally Posted by toslti

• I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change. Ken Cheng
• Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle
• I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point? Alexei Sayle
• I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her. Lew Fitz
• I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated. Andy Field
• Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant. Mark Simmons
• I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it… Jimeoin
• I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house. Ed Byrne
• I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine. Olaf Falafel
• Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!' Alasdair Beckett-King
• A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event. Angela Barnes
• As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer. Adele Cliff
• For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it. Phil Wang
• I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark. Adam Hess
• I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act. Tim Vine

Eliminator will be along in a minute to whinge at you.

No. I'm bored of it already. It's fun being a grumpy old fart to silly fucks that get so upset about nothing.