Thread: too long for quick jokes....

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

Originally Posted by Eliminator

No. I'm bored of it already. It's fun being a grumpy old fart to silly fucks that get so upset about nothing.

Hey I found your local bar?

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

Originally Posted by Eliminator

No. I'm bored of it already. It's fun being a grumpy old fart to silly fucks that get so upset about nothing.

Hey I found your local bar?

Kathu, Phuket. And the owner is actually rather grumpy. It is a good place to watch sport on the TV though and the toilets are spotless!

Originally Posted by Eliminator

No. I'm bored of it already. It's fun being a grumpy old fart to silly fucks that get so upset about nothing.

Translation: You now realise you're a dick.

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Translation: You now realise you're a dick.

NO, it just means I just REALIZED I'm tired of dealing with A$$HOLES like yourself.

Originally Posted by Eliminator

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Translation: You now realise you're a dick.

NO, it just means I just REALIZED I'm tired of dealing with A$$HOLES like yourself.

Then stop quibbling over pointless shit you petty little twat.

Simples.

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Wales. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife's from Wales "

Little Johnny asked his father,what is the difference between a pussy and a cnut.
The old man said,come into the bedroom where your mother is sleeping and i will show you.
The old man pulled back the sheets and said that is a pussy,Johnny said,can i touch it dad,
The old man said,you better not because it will wake the cnut.

I said to the wife, I've got a problem.​
She replied "no we have a problem.
We are a couple, we're a unit"...
Your problem is my problem.
We are in this together."
"Over whelmed with relief,
I said.... "it's hardly worth mentioning now"
But she was insistent on knowing,
"What is the problem??....."
I then had to explain to her that,
" WE have got your sister pregnant!!!

The Pope comes to Glasgow and asks "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, wee Jimmy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Wee Jimmy replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pope put one finger of one hand in Jimmy's ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Jimmy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "James, how is your hearing now?"
Wee Jimmy answered, "Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."

Your god won't give that time back!

Yes, I realise it may be quite a long time for some people to try and concentrate.

Originally Posted by toslti

Yes, I realise it may be quite a long time for some people to try and concentrate.

I did read the whole thing. "Belaboured" sprang to mind, along with "not funny" and "tiresome". But thats just my opinion.

Tedious sprang to mind, along with "Belabored", "not funny" and "tiresome".
That's Hank Williams and my opinion.

A blonde who want to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started advertising a rich neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?”
The blonde said, “How about 40 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and staircases that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the dialogue and said to her husband, “Does she understand that the porch goes all the way around the house?
“The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to take her money. “You finished fast!” he said.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Originally Posted by Maanaam

A blonde who want to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started advertising a rich neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?”
The blonde said, “How about 40 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and staircases that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the dialogue and said to her husband, “Does she understand that the porch goes all the way around the house?
“The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to take her money. “You finished fast!” he said.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

why would the staircases be in the garage?

The ladders were in her tights?

Originally Posted by toslti

why would the staircases be in the garage?

A poor choice of word, methinks. Should have been 'step-ladders'.

Originally Posted by toslti

why would the staircases be in the garage?

Language thing I suspect. Thai language has the same translation. Ladder, as Nev said.
Get with the game! Your confusion was also Thai-like: Ignoring the humour of the punchline because of getting fussed about a translation detail.

A man escapes from the jail where he has been for fourteen years.
He breaks into a house to look for food,clothes,money,car and maybe guns.He goes to the bedroom and finds a new married young couple in bed.
He shouts to the young husband out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While convict is in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen honey, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his weird face and clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and has not seen a woman for years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t fight back, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.This man is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us.Be strong darling.I love you.”
After that his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was a gay, thought you were nice and cute, and asked me if we had any moisturizer or vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong darling.I love you too!”

Originally Posted by Maanaam

getting fussed about a translation detail.

The "detail" I'm afraid is the essence of translation one language into another.

^ No. It was reference to Thai pedanticness. Have you ever told a joke to a Thai?
Never mind. Here's some cynicism;


A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?”
So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Here's an idea!

A bald, white bearded man from Superior Lake in Minnesota, walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young chick at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special necklace for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and showed them a $3,000 necklace.
The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special than this one.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special room and brought another necklace over. “Here’s a wonderful necklace at only $30,000,” the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes shone and her whole body trembled with excitement. The bald old man seeing this said, “We’ll buy it.”
The jeweler asked “How will you pay for this necklace sir? ”
The old man responded, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the necklace up Monday afternoon.”
On Monday morning, the jeweler furiously phoned the old man and said, “There’s no money in that bank account.”
“I know,” said the old man. “But would you like to hear about my awesome weekend?”

Originally Posted by OhOh

The "detail" I'm afraid is the essence of translation one language into another.

Bit on the dim side there, aren't ya