Thread: Can123's Long Jokes

After making love to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell and, secondly, the staff at Madam Tussaud's are miserable bastards with no sense of humour.

Father Doolan saw Mary crying after mass and asked her what was wrong.
“My husband passed away last night,” she sobbed.
“That’s awful,” said the priest, “Did he have any last requests?”
“He did,” she replied. “He said ‘Please put the gun down Mary!

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married.

They had to wait until Mildred's mother to pass away first.

Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.

However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not "do it."
Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up.
He detects a little reluctance on her part.

Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.

When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.

Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie.

She blushes just as red as the nightie.

She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.
In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's.

It is hanging there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years.

He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself.
She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.

With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says,

" Chester, I have acute angina."

Chester says,

"I hope so, 'cause you've sure got ugly tits."

A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys."

The redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a prick on me like a chimney."

The nurse replied, "In which case you might want to consider getting it cleaned.
They’re all black."

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pygmy standing beside an enormous dead elephant.
"Did you kill that?" he asked.
The pygmy nodded.
"How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"
"I killed it with my club" said the pygmy.
"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"
The pygmy replied "There's about 150 of us"

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said,
'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced,
'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?'
like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked,
'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said,
'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'



She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

A man walked into a sports bar at 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.



The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"



Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."



The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."



Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.



The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."



The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

"Doctor, I'm here about this ointment you gave me a couple of days ago for my piles. I applied it this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."


"Hmm. Where exactly did you apply it?"


"On the bus".

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says..........."Why the hell would they want a plasterer?"

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye, sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry, sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunity employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated Smoke-free Working Environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harnesses. And they said that a rope ladder doesn't meet requirements of the Working At Height Regs. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay.
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Disability Discrimination Act, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And Occupational Health and the Food Standards Agency don't want anyone breathing in too much salt. Haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Co-ordinator hear you saying that sir: you'd be up on a disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your king."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now, sir, please put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
Nelson: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
Cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook; but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."


"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."


"It was my first day with the hook."

At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink one.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately White, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink Willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary Society."

After the curator left, a Welshman, approached the couple and said, "Would You like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the boyo who painted it!" he replied. "In fact, there are no Black men depicted at all. They're just three Welsh miners. Him in the middle went home for lunch."

The judge says to a double-murder defendant,
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the man at the back of the courtroom.
Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt, is that understood?"
He stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.“

"Kiss me Hardy"


Very clever.

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, they needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a Thank-you card and a box of Chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a Thank-you card and a box of Chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye Laddie, but I have Scottish blood in me veins now".

good one Harry.

Reminds me...

A Scotsman walked into a chemist shop and threw down a used condom onto the counter.
"Do ye do repairs?", he asked.
The chemist, somewhat taken aback, but very professional, turned the condom over with his pen, and said that he thinks he could repair it.
How much asks Jock.
"50 p" was the reply, to which the outraged Scotsman swipes the condom back off the counter and stalks away mumbling, "Robbery, sheer robbery".

Two days later Jock strides back in to the pharmacy and throws the condom down on the counter.

"The clan has agreed to your proposal."

Keep this in mind the next time you are tempted to repeat a rumour or spread gossip. In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Three couples, an old couple, a middle-aged couple and a young, newly married couple coincidentally moved to a rural Bible belt town, and on Sunday went to the church. The pastor seeing the strangers went up to them and asked them about themselves to which the couples gave polite answers.
The pastor then explained that it was a close-knit God-fearing community and before the strangers can join the church, they will have to prove themselves worthy. They need to resist the devil's temptations.
"Go forth an abstain from sex for a week and come back next Sunday".

The following Sunday all 3 couples turned up at church and were greeted by the pastor.
"How did you go?" he asked the old couple.
"The thought of sex never entered our heads."
"Welcome to the flock!"

And the middle-aged couple replied, " Well, by Thursday the thought was in our minds, but we managed to resist temptation and here we are."

"Welcome to this House of God."

Then the young man spoke up, "Well, Sunday night I had pretty strong urges but I resisted them. Monday the urges were stronger, but I knew it was just the Devil trying to tempt me. Tuesday the urges were so strong, but I held my ground."
"Then on Wednesday morning, my wife was bending over getting a chicken out of the freezer for our dinner, and I could not resist, so I lifted her skirt and gave it to her from behind."

"You wicked sinner! Get out of here and don't come back!"
"Wow, that's exactly what they told us at the supermarket, too."

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the f*ck out of here!'

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barberreplied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.




And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.

"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.

"What's up love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the TV back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

Rangi goes into an Auckland bar and orders a pint.
"That'll be $5 thanks" says the barmaid,
Rangi hands over a $100 note and says, "Hey, you can keep the change if you give me a blowjob"
Hmmm....OK says the woman and so they sneak off to the back room where she proceeds to suck Rangi dry.
Making small talk afterwards, the barmaid asks where Rangi is from.
"Tokoroa"
"Tokoroa! My brother lives in Tokoroa, perhaps you know him, Hemi Kaupapa?"
Rangi, then pulls $5 from his pocket: "yeah, he's my mate. He asked me to look you up and give you the $100 he owes you. here's the last $5"

So, just before Rangi (above) went to Auckland, he was in the Tokoroa Pub drinking with a mate, tamati.
R: Bro, I'm going to Auckland next week.
T: Hey bro, I hear it's expensive in Auckland.
R: Nah, bro, it's cheap as. You can drink for free because when you go to the pub someone will buy all your drinks. You can eat for free, because they will buy your food, and you can have sex for free afterwards.
T: Really?
R: Yeah bro, I know because my sister lives there and that's what she told me.