Thread: Can123's Long Jokes

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.

Paddy says, "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."

Mick agrees, "I'm ordering one right now".

Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick, "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though; she sent her clothes yesterday".

Asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the
side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with unfortunately died at the scene.

My mate took his grandad to one of those fancy health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...
Cost him £35 but it was cheaper than a funeral.

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes mum. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home".

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch.

Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher". "That's right, dad".

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for".

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me".

I said to the Gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?''. I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance, so I pushed her over.

The government have come up with an idea to cut the rate of obesity, drug addiction and alcoholism in Britain.



They're giving independence to Scotland.

As I was carrying my young son up to bed, I asked him what he would like from Santa this year.

"Lego," he said with a smile.

So I dropped him down the stairs.

Cut N paste is so very boring when it's an attempt to be intellectual...

Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside.
He says in a weakened voice “There is something I must confess”.
“Shhhh” said the wife, “there is nothing to confess”.
She holds his hand and caresses his head. “Everything is all right” she whispers.
“NO!!” the husband replied “I must die in peace...I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mum!”









































“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes”....

You're getting there can, some of them are quite funny.

Originally Posted by Bettyboo

Cut N paste is so very boring when it's an attempt to be intellectual...

Not when every joke is one which I have submitted to a different non-Thai forum over the last six years. You really are very dense, aren't you ?

Now, piss off !

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.

She is furious... Here she is -- in the middle of her election campaign -- now this has happened to her!

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

"You bastard! How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!....Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper:
"Who's this?".

^ Good one.

Subject: FW: Please keep it going!


As a rule, I don't usually circulate these "please add your name to show support" appeals that appear in emails, BUT this one is very important.

It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people.

Please keep it going!

To show your support for Jeremy Corbyn, just go to the end of the list and add your name.


1. Mrs. Corbyn.
2.

Read this out loud:
This is This cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat



NOW READ THE THIRD WORD IN ALL THE SENTENCES.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says,
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs,
but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

^ Very very bad.

There is a massive tailback on the M6 and a lorry driver caught up in it asks a man, who happens to be walking along the line of traffic, "what the hell is going on?"

The man replies, "haven't you heard? Terrorists have captured the bus carrying the liverpool team and are threatening to torch the bus if their demands aren't met. So I've organized a whip-round."

"How much is everyone giving?" askes the lorry driver.

"About a gallon each," replies the man.


The train was quite crowded, so a U S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,
but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude.
My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!
This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

Aussie couple at hotel on honeymoon:

"Bridal, sir?" asked the receptionist

"No thanks, mate, I'll just hold her ears until she gets used to it."


Woman Weightlifter goes to the Doctors & says, 'I've been taking steroids & grown a cock'. Doctor asks, 'Anabolic?' She replies, 'No, just a cock!'



The farmer says, "Yer havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

David stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well sir," the farmer replies, "Circle flies hang around these parts a lot. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," David replies and resumes rambling.


But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks,

"Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the farmer replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their Prime Minister a horse's ass."

"Thank you for that respectful explanation," David responds and resumes rambling once more.

And the farmer adds slowly ...

"Hard to fool them flies, though."

An old man was walking through Cardiff one day when he stopped a young woman and asked, " Excuse me, is that the sun or the moon up there ? ".

" I'm sorry, I don't know, I'm from Port Talbot", she replied.


Gay man sits next to a scouser in a bar,

the gay takes a shine to him tries his luck and asks if he wants a blow job,

the scousers knocks him spark out!

The barman says "what did he say?"

the scouser says "fcuk knows....something about a job........


A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a freak skydiving accident.'

The blonde upset by this, starts sobbing 'That's horrible! So many men being killed that way!'

Confused the Husband explains 'Yes dear it is sad, but there is a risk involved in sky diving'

After a few minutes the blonde wife, still sobbing says 'How many is a Brazilion?'


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an Oxygen mask over his mouth and nose still heavily sedated From a difficult, four hour surgical procedure.

A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles Black?"

Very surprised and somewhat embarrassed, the young nurse Replies,

"I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper Body and feet.."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the sheets

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around; She examines them closely and then gently replaces his gown and sheets.

She reassuringly tells the man,

"Sir, there's nothing wrong with them."

With great difficulty and pain, the man slowly reaches up and pulls off his oxygen mask... With an unusually contented smile, he says

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful! But listen to me very, very closely."



"ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?”

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive..."shoot it says the farmer", and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike ?

An old Italian lived alone in Coburg . He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the
old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. The next morning, Police arrived and dug up the entire area
without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..

The next morning, she cooked a breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replied











She said ... .....:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

An admiral visited one of the ships under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew in the mess, he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief cook replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia".

Horrified, the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The cook shrugs and replies, "Well, if that’s the way you feel sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the
wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart;
what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'