Thread: Hillary Clinton Jokes

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

Ohhh! I really don't want to do that.

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Interesting. Is the US really that afraid of having an intelligent woman as President or is it Bill they don't want back?

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman were out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walked, they came across a sign:

“Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”

I am entering” said Snow White.

After half an hour she came out and they asked her, “Well, how did you do?”

“First Place, of course,” said Snow White.

They continued walking and they saw a sign:

“Contest for the strongest man in the world.”

“I’m entering and you can count on me taking first place,” said Superman.

After half an hour he returned and they asked him, “How did you make out?”

“First Place,” answered Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”

They continued walking when they saw a sign:

“Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?”

Pinocchio said: “No sweat, it’s in the bag. This is mine.”

Half an hour later, he returned sobbing with tears in his eyes.

“What the heck happened?” they asked.

“Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?” asked Pinocchio.

Actually, these are Bubba Jokes:

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is good natured political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where Ian Brown, a black commedian, said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton *He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as
President.

*He played the sax.

*He smoked weed.

*He had his way with ugly white women.

*Even now? Look at him ... His wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

*Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a hot dog in hot water.

*Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

*The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

*Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.

Hillary Takes Muslim Name

TERRORIST ACTIVITY HAS CAUSED HILLARY CLINTON TO TAKE MEASURES IN ORDER TO PROTECT HER CANDIDACY FOR THE 2016 PRESIDENCY.
FOR SECURITY REASONS, HILLARY HAS CHOSEN A MUSLIM NAME.

SO FROM NOW ON, PLEASE USE HER NEW MUSLIM NAME:

SELDOM BIN LAYED

Today I had to go to the Post Office. As I approached the entrance, I
noticed a driver looking for a parking space.

I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was
open and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, “I’m not
handicapped!”

Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! “Oh, I’m sorry,” I said. “I saw
your Hillary bumper sticker, and I just assumed that you suffered from
some sort of mental disorder.”

She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.

Boy! Some people don’t appreciate it when you’re just trying to help them
out!

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a
box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On
the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the
better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In
it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She
closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she
knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why
there was such a box and with those contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary
dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her
curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill.
For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into
the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too
much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep
the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these
years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was
unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under
the bed to remind myself not to do it again.

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and
Monica. I'm disappointed and saddened by your behavior;
however, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does
happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your
problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged
and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have
all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty
cans, I took them to the recycling centre.

Chelsea Clinton had been on a date so Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you"?

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond. The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." Which means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here setting up Hillary’s presidential campaign. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands .

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

an intelligent woman

^ OK a smart woman?

^getting closer, but keep coming...

Originally Posted by Bettyboo

^getting closer, but keep coming...

Good luck!

[stolen from Pickering Post]

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar and grab a booth. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says:

“The media is really tearing you apart for that scandal.”

Hillary: “You mean the Mexican gun running?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean SEAL Team 6?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean voter fraud?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declaredbankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean Obama arming the Muslim Brotherhood?”
Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens’ phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s repeated violation of the law requiring me to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate’s advise-and-consent role?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don’t pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck citizens again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?”

Trump: “THAT’S THE ONE!