Thread: Something To Offend Everyone

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Pepper spray will do that to you .

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...'

Nothing there that caused me any offence, infact I did not laugh either.

What a boring individual you must be.

Dont give up your day job are you from Germany ,

No, I’m from Aldebaran.

Originally Posted by MANICHAEAN

What a boring individual you must be.

If any of those "jokes" cause you offence you must have lived a very sheltered life, did you have sex with you mum from an early age ?

Run out of lampposts have we?

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40

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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer’s Warranty Runs Out Soon.:/

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"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
and with tears streaming down my face, as I swore I'd never visit another Thai
brothel!!!

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2 Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
both in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!

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In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold,
silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their bloody hands on.

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Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
middle aged couple from Weymouth ..

I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and said, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've just hit your cat."

"Oh no," she cried, "Is he in a bad way?"

"Put it this way," I said, "My cricket bat snapped in half."



Me and the wife were planning our first holiday in years, two weeks camping in the south of France.

"Here love, I've got you this. Hope you like it." I said, handing her the bag.

"Oh baby, it's beautiful." She said after slipping it on. "It fits perfectly. I'm going to look stunning in the campsite club."

"You're right sweetheart, it fits lovely." I agreed. "But I don't think they'll let you wear it in the club."

"Why not?" She asked, disappointed.

"It's the fucking tent."

My neighbour Somchai shouted,"Can I borrow your phone? There's been an accident and a Farang has been run over and he's bleeding to death." I said,"what's wrong with your own phone?" He said,"the cameras shit on mine!"

Originally Posted by MANICHAEAN

What a boring individual you must be.

do you do irony as well?

The other day I saw a nigger in Nikes running down the road carrying a flat screen TV.
"fucking hell" I thought, "that looks like mine".
Then I remembered mine wears adidas.

Gave the wife an orgasm the other day.
Ungrateful bitch just spat it out.

Originally Posted by steve down under

My neighbour Somchai shouted,"Can I borrow your phone? There's been an accident and a Farang has been run over and he's bleeding to death." I said,"what's wrong with your own phone?" He said,"the cameras shit on mine!"

Now thats quite funny.....

Stop being a set of miseries some good stuff on here!

Originally Posted by Sailing into trouble

Stop being a set of miseries some good stuff on here!

https://teakdoor.com/jokes-and-funny-...ick-jokes.html (Quick Jokes)

Originally Posted by steve down under

I

My neighbour Somchai shouted,"Can I borrow your phone? There's been an accident and a Farang has been run over and he's bleeding to death." I said,"what's wrong with your own phone?" He said,"the cameras shit on mine!"

lmao, finally a funny one !!!

I went to doctors today and told him "I've got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem".

The doctor said, "Don't worry, a lot of wankers sing that".



I was sat on the sofa with the mrs & our 6 month old baby decided to have a shit,she immediately turned to me & said ''your turn'' ''my turn'' I said,''yes your turn,go on'' she said smiling,you should of seen her face when I curled one out on the carpet



Give it here"
"No, it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"It’s my turn!"
"You had it last"
"Fuck off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"You never do it right!"
"But it's my go!!!"
. . . . . . .Siamese twins having a wank !

Good one blue.

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FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

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--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
__________________________________________________ __________

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the Catholic priest masturbating. He said "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating" the priest replied "You'll be doing this soon". "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me!" the priest replied.

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."



The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."


My new B/G girlfriend looked at my cock and laughed, "That's measly!" she said as she sat on it.

"Those aren't measles," I replied, "they're genital warts."
__________________

STOP RAPE.
just say yes.

Originally Posted by Koojo

STOP RAPE.
just say yes.

Reduce the age limitations, better.

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a
table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Er ... mmm .......... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ........ built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Seamus: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Seamus: - Nope

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker

Originally Posted by Sailing into trouble

Stop being a set of miseries some good stuff on here!

Where?

The only thing offensive on here is the shitness, oldness, and unoriginality of the material... probably not characteristics of the OP.

"zany"?! Is this the American 70s?