Thread: Something To Offend Everyone

And there is something definately amiss when your girlfriend calls you daddy, and you don't have to ask her to.

Why is marriage like a deck of cards?




Well you start of with a pair of hearts
Then maybe a diamond



And before too long all you want is a club and a spade

Q: Where do you send Jewish kids with ADDS?

A: Concentration camps.

FUNNY MUST READ

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

IRISH SKY DIVER








Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive.








When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' "








Mick asks: "Did you jump?"







Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."

got a couple of nasty little muslim kids living next to my house
invited me to a water fight last week


didnt take to long to boil up a kettle of water

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.


Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.


Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.


ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!


Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!


In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.


Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .


An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!


Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!


Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'


Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!


An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

SO A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR...

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to yourhand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into asword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. Ilooked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

When you are over sixty who cares?
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs."Really" she said, "Go on then...try."After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said."Come on, what day was I born"?I said, “Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a big girl dancing on a table.I said, "Nice legs."The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "***********

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he
made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was
my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing
to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I
loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his
behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched
TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around
us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I
still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He
fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.




Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt.....who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

IRISH SEX AID

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age, all was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex.
It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people.
But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding.
Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax.
So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.
This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

A woman standing at the edge of a cliff,
Trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
“ If you are going to kill yourself
How about a shag before you do it ?”
The woman was angry and said ,
“ Piss Off you filthy old bastard.”
He turned to leave and said.
“No problems I’ll just go and wait at the bottom”

I said to GF last night "get your coat woman".
She replied "why, where are we going"?
"Well" I said, "you're going nowhere... but I,m going down the pub and I'm turning the heating off".

Bad news.. Aliens have landed.
Good news.. they eat Nigers and piss petrol.

let's offend everyone!!



I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him “I wish I had your will power..”



I took my Biology exam last Friday.. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry about the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.”



I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any change?” I said “No, you're still black”.


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him “What's wrong?” The boy says “Me mother is dead”. “Oh bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?” The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.”


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better!




Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ....... I'm going to have that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that fucking basket up there."


I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question ....... which I got wrong. The question was ‘Where do women have the curliest hair?’ Apparently the correct answer was Fiji .




A woman has a medical at the Doctors; “you are grossly overweight” he says. ”I want a 2nd opinion”, she exclaimed ” OK- you're bloody ugly as well.”

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?















He wiped his butt.

SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …
A friend of mine was wearing one when he
was shot by the woman’s husband.

New Book
A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have
the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated
Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7
Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t
take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and
changes the channels. Sick Bastard!!


The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I
stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering
his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".


SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen


So True
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.

The Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you've been f@#ked.


Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For f.... sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

Sex Research (could be handy)

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with people is a twosome,

now I understand why they call you handsome!

EASYJET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"
Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"



Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Syria. They sent in 3 ships -
2 full of sand and one full of cement......it was a mortar attack.




A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says “I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says” But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"


The Chinese government has thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out.
They said they were delicious!


My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

The Sensitive Man:

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:







'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life,that is, until the ship sank.He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when mycruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material Ifound on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove thebottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile ironand I used that to make tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour.." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearlyfalls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the mancan only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,"It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would youlike a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on hercouch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like totake a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets himwearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned,she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.









"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears startto form in his eyes,!"You've built a Golf Course?"

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
______________________________________________

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
______________________________________________

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
_____________________________________________

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense … when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
__________________________________________________ __

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking goat trying to whistle!"
__________________________________________________ __

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
__________________________________________________ ___

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
__________________________________________________ _____________

A Guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a bar and says, "You remind me of my little toe."
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later, when I'm drunk."