Thread: Something To Offend Everyone

My Protestant girlfriend just bought a pair of Union Jack knickers. Every time I take them down there's a fucking protest..

Topical.
Me thinks the Captain doth protest too much.

Originally Posted by CaptainNemo

Originally Posted by Sailing into trouble

Stop being a set of miseries some good stuff on here!

Where?

The only thing offensive on here is the shitness, oldness, and unoriginality of the material... probably not characteristics of the OP.

"zany"?! Is this the American 70s?

Well rather than just criticise in your usual manner, try adding something.
Faggot.

^ Socal was reminiscing about his first blow job in Thailand. He rather enjoyed it but was a little shocked when the cum hit the back of his throat.

A man goes inside the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What did you do, my son?"
"Last night I was walking along the beach, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my torch, I saw a man having sex with an underage boy."
"Oh so you are the kunt who blinded me last night are you ?!"


I got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied Facebook.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning the lotto. I agreed and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror we had six matching balls.


what do you call a scottish pakistani with a drug problem?
Amaf Maheed !

Registry on the first day back at school in Birmingham , ENGLAND.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils :

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri ?" - "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul ?" - "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek ? " - "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi ?" - "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir ?" - "Here"
"Ali Son al En" , silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room .

The teacher repeated the call .


A girl stood up and said , "Sorry, teacher . I think that's me .
It's pronounced Alison Allen."

This morning some little Somchai smashed my windscreen. I was so annoyed that I didn't even pull over and check on him.

Took the missus to the doctors to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have it. I actually Am a Kunt and she does wants me to fuck off !

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam.."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! "

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil,
a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video"

"You may indeed!"

"Can we do it standing up"

"No." says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing !!!"

Socal and Boon Gaytard had an argument about who was the best at Oral Sex. It got a bit serious and they exchanged blows.

Socal and Boon Gaytard hate England so much because following a trip to London, they discovered Big Ben was not a bloke.

Socal and Boon Gaytard regularly share tender love. It's Boon's haemorrhoids that makes it necessary.

As with most gay people, Socal was born that way. Boon Gaytard was sucked into it.

Socal and Boon Gaytard were in the shower together when Socal looked down and saw a puddle of white liquid. He said to the Boon, What did I tell you about farting in the shower?

Why does Boon Gaytard have a beard? To hide the stretch marks.

Boon Gaytard and Socal are playing golf and a ball comes flying over the hill. Boon says to Socal, “The next time a ball comes over the hill, lie down and pretend that it hit you. Then we can sue!”

When another ball comes over the hill, Socal drops to the ground and contorts his body. Boon approaches the golfer and says, “He’s very badly hurt. You can expect a lawsuit!”

“Suck my dick,” the golfer replies.

“Wake up!” Boon excitedly says to Socal. “He’s going to settle out of court!”

Mating call of a Cuckoo - "cuckoo, cuckoo"
Mating call of an Owl - "twit towoo, twit towoo"
Mating call of a Katoey - "Go on Farang bang it up me arse!"


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

85% of Scousers say they enjoy sex in the shower. The other 15% haven’t been to prison yet.


Today a Farang was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Phuket police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

I was down the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer, just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway, she has made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life!!!


My mate asked me if I knew a way to stop his Jack Russell from humping his leg !!!! I said yeah pick the little fucker up and suck him off !!!!!!!


Parvinder and Habib are beggars... They beg in different areas of Perth .

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects $2 to $3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say ?'

Habib's sign reads; 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says, 'No wonder you only get $2- $3 !'

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say ?'

Parvinder shows Habib his sign....

It reads: 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan '

Bloody hell.



Aborigines in Darwin have pooled all their Dole money from last year & formed a company and are buying up heaps of land in Thailand .
Apparently they are all going to move up there and become Thai-Coons.

Cut and paste rules...................


http://www.jokebook.eu/.../a-man-goe...nfessional-and... - Cached

Originally Posted by robtherich

Cut and paste rules...................


http://www.jokebook.eu/.../a-man-goe...nfessional-and... - Cached

only if you do it correctly!!

I haven't been to confessional for 22 years, I've almost forgotten the taste of semen!

A professor at Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students in the auditorium raise their hands.

“Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have ever seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one more question . . . have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Way in the back, in one of the last rows of the large auditorium, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, lays them down, and stepping around the podium toward the front row, and says “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've the very first; you’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?”

Ahmed stares at the professor, blinks a couple of times . . . and replies, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

Subject: Harley and a jar of Vaseline.

A Harley and a Jar of Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a
'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome .

It protects it from the rain.' (true story)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline .

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra , invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the
dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.

Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.

Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.

Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra .

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered , her dad is obviously livid and her
mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her
panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the
dinner table.

After she has a big orgasm , he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is
pleasantly beaming.

But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted.

I'll do the fuckin dishes!!

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? A pilot, you racist asshole!

The Traffic Warden’s funeral.

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside the coffin screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done!"

From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientele’s genuine complaints.

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons.I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

I liked your joke in #43 but your posting in #44 is torture to people with a red/green weakness....

Is it wrong that when I screw my 13 year old girlfriend I secretly heighten my pleasure by thinking about her little sister?

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”


Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!"

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

BTS are lying bastards. They say if you stand too close to the platform edge, you will get sucked off....eight hours! Eight fuckin hours i wasted yesterday!

Daily Mail: "White House loses a quarter of its value as housing market continues to fall"
Nothing to do with the fact a nigger is living there then?