Dear Pooly...

[poolcleaner]

The Bangers Post carries a syndicated Advice column from a lady by the name of Margo Howard.

Hmm a real honey.

Some of her advice troubles me a little as in the following exerpt from today's Post:

Dear Prudence: My husband and I live in a condo. My husband has become overly friendly with a divorced woman who lives nearby. I am not friends with this woman.
He does all her hanyman work free, hangs out with her outside and goes over her place to see her. There is definitely flirting going on. Once, after we'd been away for a while, he hugged her and kissed her on the lips.
I have made my husband aware of the fact that I am not comfortable with his relationship with this woman, but he continues with the same behavior.
Do you think this is appropriate behavior for a married man?
Frustrated.

Dear Frus: Appropriate? You caught him! If most women saw their spouse hugging and kissing a nieghbour on the lips after a trip, a good guess would be that the guy's life wouldn't be worth a plug nickel.
Prudie suggests you tell your geezer to move his handyman agt into the woman's condo because you're kicking him out of yours. Than engage a lawyer and decide whether or not you want seperate maintenance or a divorce.
Because you say you are retired, you are not kids, and the old boy is clearly bored or crackers. In neither case should you be the victim of his brazen behavior. His shenanigans are too in-your-face, and you need no longer be a doormat.
Prudie appropriately

Is this good advice?
The old guy's getting a last sly one in before it shrinks away to a plastic tube and Prudie's advice is "kick him out and get a lawyer"

I thought about it and decided "Pooly thinks you and your advice suck Margo!"
Let's read between the lines in this case. Whats the truth?

So after 50 years as a successful salesman in real estate, insurance and in his last 10 years manger of his own car franchise, Bob and Beryl have settled in Florida in a delightful retirees condo.
Bob, being a salesman, has always had a way with people, the gift of the gab and it's that gift that got him the readies to buy that condo Beryl, should you forget. Bob's always been surrounded by laughing faces and hugs and kisses, it's all part of the act.
Beryl on the other hand was a typist before being a mother. She would spend her days cooking and cleaning and after the birth of the little ones, taking care of the family. Bob's work kept him away from home more than usual but there was good food on the table and money in the bank, so Beryl feels the sacrifice was worth it.
Here they are, in their sixties, with nothing to do all day but relax. Beryl, after years at home do little more than relaxing after the children had left home is comfortable in the new surroundings. She can do a little housework, tend to her small garden and go out with the girls for a spritzer in the afternoon. She's content.
Bob, on the other hand, has led a busy, social life. Slowing down doesn't come easy to him, his motto has always been "Don't stop till you seal the deal!"
His whole life has revolved around conning and scamming and manipulating people and congratulating himself when the deal is done. It's a drug he can't give up. So is porking the old girl in no.85. Butter her up with some nonsense, slip her a quickie and then off to the golf club to tell the fellas how it was done.

We can see that there is little emotional connection between Bob and Beryl.
Bob has had Beryl eating out of his hand for years and, for the most part, Beryl knows and accepts this.
What is the present conflict?
Bob's infidelity?
Not likely, what has he been doing 3 or 4 nights a week for the last 40 years?
No, the issue is his visibility, his in-your-face activities. To be certain, Beryl was prompted to write this letter because one of her 'so-called' friends made an all to obvious referrence at the last bridge evening.
Loss of face, as we in Thailand would say!

What advice should be given to Beryl?

"Prudie suggests you tell your geezer to move his handyman agt into the woman's condo because you're kicking him out of yours. Than engage a lawyer and decide whether or not you want seperate maintenance or a divorce."

Hmm...........very bad advice Margo.
Bob knows only to well what he did to get the money to fund their retirement.
Do you think for a minute he's a man of scruples?
Do you think he wouldn't stoop low to protect himself and his property?
Think long and hard about this Beryl. Old people fall over, you know. One day fine and dandy, next day "did you hear about Beryl? Took a turn in the shower and fell over and banged her head on the toilet. Never regained consciousness, poor thing"

No Bezza luv, you've got 2 choices.
First you can accept the situation and try and play it into your hands. Bob going to be shagging Milly as often as he can. In part he likes the deception, fooling you, so your first step is to calmly, and I mean calmly, let him know that you're well aware of what's going on. There can be no hint of emotion, anger or jealousy in fact you must let him know you're playing him!!
He'll respond to this. Next, you need to start flirting with him yourself, give his nob a squeeze. next time he pecks you on the cheek and says he's off to golf or something. and say with a naughty look in your eye "You're not taking the python over to Millie's, are you?"
Of course by now, you're probably getting the idea that sex may be back on the roster! How long has it been? Have a sherry or two too many one night and get a little close while watching the tennis and start playing with his nob.
If you're not too affected by the sherry, give him a blow-job, this will have the effect of rocking his confidence and also at his age emptying his balls and dousing the fire, so to speak. If you can't be arsed with intercourse any longer, a quick flick of the wrist three night's a week will make a big difference

The second option involves a similar tack but in a different direction.
Make your selfd known to Milly. Become her friend. Invite her to your afternoon teas and your bridge nights. Get her drunk and make a move on her!
A couple of old girls a bit tipsy in the spa together it's almost natural.
Then go home and tell Bob you doing the lesbian thingo with his squeeze.
He may be put off her because his game's no longer working or.....you'll be up for a threesome

Either way Beryl, you're an old girl and your mission in life now should be getting sozzled at a respectable hour each day and banging on about the kids.
If the old fella wants to roger other old wrinklies, so what. It's 2005 for ****'s sake. It's what we do!
Pooly!

[Captain Sensible]

Fantastic stuff Pooly. Our own Teakdoor Agony Aunt. Excellent stuff. The job is yours.:CS:

[friscofrankie]

Best piece of writing I've had the joy of reading a very long time.

****in' hilarious

[Torbek]

Excellent! Tears in my eyes. Even my wife got a great laugh out of it!

[hillbilly]

Dear Uncle Poolie,

I have thought about this idea before. i have even mentioned this a few times to my wife. After all, even FDR said that the rooster need a new hen every now and then.

The wife's reply? Ok, just do not tell me or embarrassessess me.

Now, the only problem is the money. Sure, i make good money. But, there is one area I do not like to admit. After living in Thailand for awhile and being married for a month or two, I do not know one foking PIN number. I know the bills gets paid and some months are better than others.

I love my wife but yet the grass on the other side...

What should I do?

Anxiously waiting...

[Captain Sensible]

*whistles* Poolie. Paging Poolie. Would Poolie please come to The Captains Lounge?

[poolcleaner]

Actually, the answer you're looking for is a simple one Hillbilly.

Now the ideas in your head and you have tacit approval from the boss the nerves set in.

"Who? Which one? How do I decide?"

Yes, it's a big decision that one, but.................you've got a long time before you have to make it!

Take it slowly, anticipation is half the fun, look at the uni girls and wonder "What would that be like?" check out the cute mums at Big C, the office girls, let your mind wander as you follow a fantastic bum up an escalator.

Eventually, your body will tell you you've got to get one away, so in desperation you'll head off to a short time place, take a young thing with a nice smile because you'll feel safer with a nice girl.
I need not go into what happens next but it will all be good.

You'll leave the bar/hotel proud as a peacock then a little while later there will be this nagging feeling in the back of your brain, you'll start to question your decision, don't worry. This is a redundant emotion often called guilt.
It's a relic from the past only found these days in Catholics who build their existence around it.
Also it will pass. After a short while those uni girls bums will have you not only reminiscing, but soon lusting after another shot.

The pattern evolves.

"But wait" I hear you say "This is about minor wives Poolie, what are you on about?"

Exactly, Hillbilly, having one wife is enough. You don't want another.
The rentals are the way to go, at least at the start.
Now I know you're a handsome fella, you're articulate, have a sense of humour and are also kind and caring. This will present you with opportunities from an array of babes and this can be a boon or a nightmare.

Now you have to make the difficult decision. Don't entertain a sneaky one on the side too close to home. They alwats get back to the missus. Keep the relationship purely sexual. No dinners, celebrations of birthdays etc. Just the odd gift now and then. Be very careful about money, this is where the girl becomes a monster. It's far more powerful than herion. Once they have a taste they have to have more. If you have to turn it off you'll be in big trouble. Phone calls all day and night, she'll turn up at the kids birthday party,....you get the picture.

yep, follow Poolie's advice and keep it rental.








Another Poolcleaner Public Service because .................I care

[Marmite the Dog]

Spot-onski, Pooly.

Another fine post.

[Captain Sensible]

Thank fok fer Poolie. Just wait till he hears my problem.

[dirtydog]

poolie knows nothing about ladymen cap so don't embarrass us all by asking him

[Captain Sensible]

But, but, but.......................damn it

[mrsquirrel]

Mr Poolie.

Recently over the last few weeks I have started to look at other women again other than the missus. Now I know the grass is always greener and teh missus is a diamond but I really am getting urges to go and dip my wick in something else.

Now she has warned me before that I must be safe if I fuck about. So is that an ok yes go and bone another women but don't tell me.

Should I just ignore my urges and mastubate every so often to try and relieve it.

Living in the sticks we have short time abrs for 300 B but I don;t really want a sloppy seconds from somcahi small cock tuk tuk driver.

Do i make excuses and go to bkk to stay for a night or pataya,

Advise needed poolie.

[dirtydog]

mrs quirrel, you need to hit Pattaya and find yourself a nice man to satisfy those urges, masturbation will make you go blind

[poolcleaner]

The age old problem of relationaships. isn't it?

If God had wanted us to remain faithfull to our partners he would have made us go blind the minute we consumate the relationship.

Of course the Chrissys like to talk about the devil and temptation and how we must torture ourselves by staying true to our chosen one while all around us each day, there are more and more beautiful women.
All women are whores, in a fashion, they have no committment to fidelity themselves until they are in a relationship.
Society draws no boundaries around those who choose to be couples.
Everyone is available.

Once we accept that cheating on the otter-half is a normal, natural part of being together the hardest things you'll have to do are choose from the line up and part with the baht.

You mention the country lifestyle. The availability of cheap rentals and following after a tuk tuk pilot as benefits and negatives of that lifestyle.
A 300 baht bonking, my dear squirrel is far better than a wank, anyday and everyday.
The small own syndrome means that the bloke who lives behind the motorcycle garage can tell you when you last bought toilet paper and Thais love nothing better than the duty of informing the poor girl that her farang husband/boyfriend is screwing some overweight illiterate from dirtsville Isaan.
I'd find village about an hour away and use this for about a month then move on to the next one in a counter-clockwise direction. At that distance it should take you a year before you get back to the first village and by then that young thing in her grandmother's convenience store is now raking in the big baht selling 'fluffy' for 300 baht a time.
To overcome the downside of having to go where the Thais go I heartily recommend making the event as dirty as possible, no I don't mean a scat/piss fest, but take two girls at a time and have them do weird stuff to you and each otter.

So, you ask, why the village over a trip to Bangkok or Pattaya? Well, I've found that sating the instant urge is the most fulfilling. When you think about it what is masturbation, or for that matter a relationship?
If we wanted to spend hours or days dreaming about our next sex session we'd be sailors or marry whte women wouldn't we?
Nope, pour cold water on the idea of saving up for a trip to Bangers to off load some white stuff. If someone at school gets you a woody don't go home a massage the monster in the shower! Take that beast to 'Dirty Noi's Knocking Shop and Haircuts" and give it a real workout.
Sex is fun and we should partake around once a day, with our partners, it's not something we really want to be doing alone. That's just downright selfish. You need to share this wonderful experience with otters. No I don't mean beating off outside of a McDonalds window on a busy Friday evening.
Masturbation should be something done in the company of a friend, or two, especially when they're knocking "time" on the door and you're halfway to cranking out no. 3. Why waste a hard-on eh?

I hope this will be of some help Mrs. Q.

[Captain Sensible]

So who is gonna ask for Poolie's advice next then?

[Wally Dorian Raffles]

Dear Pooly,

When I was just a little tacker, a Catholic Priest shat himself in my cousin Dave's backyard on Christmas day. Is this normal?

[mrsquirrel]

Mr Pooly

I have found a website recently called www.kinkythai.com.

Where does one find women like this in Thailand?

[Wally Dorian Raffles]

Dear Pooly,

What's this rash that comes and goes, can you tell me what it means?

[yawn]

bdsm is sort of ok but...

Mr Pooly

I have found a website recently called www.kinkythai.com.

Where does one find women like this in Thailand?

[poolcleaner]

Dear Pooly,

When I was just a little tacker, a Catholic Priest shat himself in my cousin Dave's backyard on Christmas day. Is this normal?

Difficult to pinpoint the actual question here young Walter!

The answer I've come up with is yes, in fact if you were to call up your cousin Dave you'd find that the man of god is still shitting his pants every Christmas day.

The Catholic clergy have a strict diet of the body of Christ and they only drink his blood.
The net effect of this is loss of bowel control. Bits and pieces of your chosen deity in your intestines really doesn't work.

The other question that I can't really answer is "Why at Dave's Place?"
Who knows, maybe Dave is a reincarnation of Gabriel!

[poolcleaner]

Dear Pooly,

What's this rash that comes and goes, can you tell me what it means?

Knowing your background and some of your *hrm* habits it could be a number of things Wally.
Firstly we have 'Bodily fluid' excema. A slightly irritating rash found around the groin area and between your bum cheeks. This is caused by laying in a mixture of bodily fluids, such as blood, semen, varigal fluids, urine and on occasions feces and of course sweat. Medical research also indicates substances used for lubrication, food stuufs and alcohol are often seen in many cases.
You can't beat personal hygiene Wally. You know, get up and shower after sex, food and bodily functions. Change the sheets at least three times a year.

Secondly you may have a STD! In this case it's best to get medical advice but usually a round of anti-biotics clears that stuff up. I hope the rash is not on your face. If you need sound advice the guy who has the little pharmacy in Patpong 2 has seen it all and he can diagnose and hand over the necessary drugs.

Finally if you've been using condoms from Australia you may find you're sensitive to the lubricant they use. It's a eucalypt based gel and many men have reactions to this. We call it the 'RedGum' reaction.

[Captain Sensible]

Sheets? What is sheets?

[poolcleaner]

Mr Pooly

I have found a website recently called www.kinkythai.com.

Where does one find women like this in Thailand?

This is normal activity for many families in Thailand of mixed race. Primarily German, not all of course Fabian, Dutch and a few Scandanavian countries.

Hang around Pattaya or tour small villages in Isaan and look for fat Germans (think Twinkle). If the guy has an unusually small penis you can bet this is his kind of kink.

Can I borrow your password Mrs. Q?
I think the girl on page 2 works at my local Blockbuster!!

[mrsquirrel]

I don't have one myabe DD can hack it for us.

[twinkle]

Thanks and a hello every too. Yes I am in the Pattaya also. If you are a com to the Pattaya then makee a send pm to me and I will a calling you.
Thanks. Your welkommen. Thanks.