Dear Pooly...

[poolcleaner]

Dearest uncle Poolcleaner.
My problem is one of those rare ones that doesn't involve the morality or otherwise of minor minge and the likes at which you specialise.

A couple of days ago, a previously very good friend of mine took it upon herself to tell my wife in front of an audience that i was not to be trusted. Not with women you understand as i have but the one true lubbb in my life, but regarding money. I am supposed to have failed to pay a 300 baht bill at her bar. A fact that I dispute. A cheat and worse I was called. Bearing in mind that my beery habits have a kept the place afloat for quite some time, I was dismayed indeed.
To add insult to injury, my wife was also informed that I was a no good drunk. Again an injustice.
On being informed of this vicious slander, I was outraged and being terribly drunk at the time raced into action, called the malicious litle bitch and told her that she was a malicious little bitch. I believe that i also told her to go fuck herself, repeating the insult for good measure.

Now my real problem is this.
The lady, deservedly, on the receiving end of my insults is the wife of my closest friend up here, she is also very close to my wife, as indeed are her family.
A rather close knit little unit has been blown apart and I wonder if you could help me to resolve the situation.
Sincerely, more in hope than expectation.

Chiang mai Noon.

Tricky one CMN.
The truth hurts doesn't it? I don't blame you for losing your rag.
There used to be a 'Gai Yang' lady in my old soi who always got my custom as I staggered home from one bar or another at the end of the night.
One day I was with the missus getting some chicken and unknowing to me, in front of a crowd of people, she told me wife I got food on credit one night and never paid her back. Therefore I was no good!
This was simply not true! Well, the bit about me being no good is true but I always pay my bills!
Bringing down the farang and his jumped up Isaan bint is a favorite game of the have nots in Thailand.

CMN, you have the perfect get out of jail card.
You were drunk!
Depending on how valuable this relationship is a bit of grovelling and humble pie is the way out of this.
Stroll into the bar, big smile, order a beer and announce that you have that 300 baht and you're very embarrassed by your behavior and beg forgiveness.
By her a drink as well.
Thai women are absolute suckers for compliments and the whole charm act.
lay it on thick, you know kiss her hand, mock suicide that sort of thing c/w lots of smiles and laughter.
She will soon see that you are genuine and will only be to happy to forgive you.
And don't forget, you came to Pooly for advice so this is not about apologies and begging. This is manipulation of this bitch to improve the situation you've got yourself in.
As for the losing face, as a farang, you're never really accepted so you're neither in nor out with the locals. They really won't care. It's not like the west where you can become a pariah in a small village because of the westerners need to put someone down to feel good!

[ChiangMai noon]

Cheers mate.
The advice seems sage.

I think I might be a little on the stubborn side to go down that road though.
Is it possble that she might grovel to me and say something like
"we miss your custom and your decent nature. Please accept a week load of free beers and be our friend again" ??

[poolcleaner]

Cheers mate.
The advice seems sage.

I think I might be a little on the stubborn side to go down that road though.
Is it possble that she might grovel to me and say something like
"we miss your custom and your decent nature. Please accept a week load of free beers and be our friend again" ??

Not a snowball's CMN.

Just act like it was no big deal and I'm sure it will blow over.

[ChiangMai noon]

[mrsquirrel]

Dear Poolie

I really get excited when I get to brush myself against a beautiful woman. I generally try to get my arm to touch her arm or if I am really going for it to brush against one of her breasts.

I spent my weekend doing this with my secretary and am sure she did not realise what I was doing even though I had an erection whilst sat beside her on the bus.

What should I do about this fetish. Should I try and control it more or should I go all out and start rubbing my penis against womens arms and breasts in public as well?

Cheers

MrSq

[ChiangMai noon]

I recommend a move to Istanbul.
When i was in Turkey, a grizzled old Turkish fucker pulled out his todger and started working his dick next to my (then) wife on a city bus.

His punishment?
Being asked to get off the bus at the next stop.

[ChiangMai noon]

Weay hayyyy . My membership is no longer aspiring.

[machangezi]

Dear Poolie the cleaner,

While driving to my school on saturday an idiot taxi driver drove straight into my car. The damage wasn't huge but the things I had been through stressed/surprised me a lot and made me wonder what should we, foreigners, do to avoid conflicts or physical confrontation.

I popped out of my car and went straight to the driver to ask him to call his insurance company. He started saying something, in a nice way with loads of khrups at the end, in Thai that I didn't understand. He thought I'm a Thai cos I look like one. The guy changed his tone when he found out that I'm a foreigner. He raised his voice and started using words such as arai waa, mee arai pa etc. He even turned agressive and attempted to give me a good blow but somehow I managed to avoid the occurance. He went back to his car and drove away. I managed to note his car's number plate. I called my insurance company who directed me to report it to the police, which I did.

My question is .....

How to avoid such unpleasent situation and what should be done when a local turns agressive?

You're the man, Poolie the cleaner.

[poolcleaner]

Dear Poolie

I really get excited when I get to brush myself against a beautiful woman. I generally try to get my arm to touch her arm or if I am really going for it to brush against one of her breasts.

I spent my weekend doing this with my secretary and am sure she did not realise what I was doing even though I had an erection whilst sat beside her on the bus.

What should I do about this fetish. Should I try and control it more or should I go all out and start rubbing my penis against womens arms and breasts in public as well?

Cheers

MrSq

Dear Mrs. Q, When you say you "really get excited" are you saying that you're approaching ejaculation or just getting some wood?
It's quite natural to become moderately aroused when in close physical contact with a desirable person.
I'm an advocate of prolonged visual stimulation whereby we use our drab daily surroundings to keep ourselves constantly aroused (not erect mind you!).
You see a beautiful girl on the bus, don't think of your 3.30 class today, think of banging her backwards on the desk in front of that class!
Too many people become jaded and tired about their lovelives and eventually sex becomes a mundane past-time (Yes, I'm talking about you Chang!!)
The key to a extended youth is a constant supply of pussy.

So in part you're engaging in a fairly healthy practice and like most fairly healthy practices they should be used in moderation.
Abuse can lead to trouble!
If you can get away with brushing a women's breast (I have visions of you tossing a coin into someone's cleavage and then thrusting your hand in after it!) without making it too obvious I'd say that's OK.
It does become a problem when you're practising the tecnique on your mother-in-law though!

As for your secretary........just how many times did you nudge her boobs?
Is she bruised?
She's proably flattered and if it helps you can imagine that she got wet and went home and flicked herself silly over you but would you rather simple titillation with her or do you really want to pork her senseless?
Once you give over to fetishes it can take control of your life!
You need to keep it in balance.

Now if you feel you have to continue with this behavior and you're actually considering rubbing your penis on unsuspecting victim's arms and breats in public please let me know when and where, the funny pics thread could do with some local input!

I hope I've helped in some way Mrs Q!

[Marmite the Dog]

She's proably flattered and if it helps you can imagine that she got wet and went home and flicked herself silly over you but would you rather simple titillation with her or do you really want to pork her senseless?

Quote of the week?

[poolcleaner]

Dear Poolie the cleaner,

While driving to my school on saturday an idiot taxi driver drove straight into my car. The damage wasn't huge but the things I had been through stressed/surprised me a lot and made me wonder what should we, foreigners, do to avoid conflicts or physical confrontation.

I popped out of my car and went straight to the driver to ask him to call his insurance company. He started saying something, in a nice way with loads of khrups at the end, in Thai that I didn't understand. He thought I'm a Thai cos I look like one. The guy changed his tone when he found out that I'm a foreigner. He raised his voice and started using words such as arai waa, mee arai pa etc. He even turned agressive and attempted to give me a good blow but somehow I managed to avoid the occurance. He went back to his car and drove away. I managed to note his car's number plate. I called my insurance company who directed me to report it to the police, which I did.

My question is .....

How to avoid such unpleasent situation and what should be done when a local turns agressive?

You're the man, Poolie the cleaner.

Now with all due respect Macha, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but why I am not surprised to hear this happens to you?
Why do I ask this?
Well, some people have this natural persona that automatically drives others to want to inflict pain upon them and possibly you fit into this group!

Of course the situation as you mention does indeed occur in Thailand and your question is a good one.
One on one, most foriengers are bigger than their Thai would be opponents and in any culture only the minority will use violence and aggression to solve a problem, at least in the initial stages.
One should be cautious of getting involved in a fight when a more rational solution appears to be appropriate. Kicking the fuck out of a foriegner is a wonderful esteem raising activity in motosai land.
Fortunately, most Thais still have a sense of lawfullness and they're fearful of police involvement so keep the Tourist police number handy for moments like these.
If someone gets aggressive try stalling tactics like calling someone on your mobile or hunt for a pen in your car etc. Give them body language that you're not particularly interested in a slug-out but at no time appear intimidated. If they should become physical just give them the 'stare' to let them know they're treading on dangerous territory.
If it's their intention to beat on you they'll do it but if they want you to help create the situation you can simply refuse to play along.
Remember also, when things get hot, you don't speak Thai.
Calling you a **** has no effect what so ever.

And don't forget to smile!

[machangezi]

Now with all due respect Macha, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but why I am not surprised to hear this happens to you?
Why do I ask this?
Well, some people have this natural persona that automatically drives others to want to inflict pain upon them and possibly you fit into this group!

I hope it doesn't happen to anyone else.

[mrsquirrel]

Dear Poolie.

Two or three of my students are going to turn out to be heartbreakers in the next two years or so.

Now I worry that dirty bastards like ourselves will try and pick them up and lead them astray.

How can I educate them on the reality of being a "hot" young Thai girl with good English skills in Thaiand. I don't want any of them to end up meeting any of the other fellow posters.

[ChiangMai noon]

Not even my good self quirrell.
I would teach them how to play cricket.

[mrsquirrel]

Not a chance not even for cricket.

[ChiangMai noon]

Burt I would show her the right way to put onm her pads and even her box.

[dirtydog]

who is Burt? all I can say is thank fok you aint an English teacher

[ChiangMai noon]

piss off dog.

[poolcleaner]

Dear Poolie.

Two or three of my students are going to turn out to be heartbreakers in the next two years or so.

Now I worry that dirty bastards like ourselves will try and pick them up and lead them astray.

How can I educate them on the reality of being a "hot" young Thai girl with good English skills in Thaiand. I don't want any of them to end up meeting any of the other fellow posters.

Mrs Q likes a challenge doesn't she?

You'd probably enjoy the challenge of pushing a marble up Mount Everest as well.
It will prolly be easier.
Fate has dealt these poor young things a rough hand Mrs Q, the die is set.
They will either be snapped up by some smooth talking Thai massage parlour boss or they will find themselves on the downward spiral of dead-end relationships and broken promises until their good friend tells them how they can make a fortune by screwing farangs (both literally and figurativley.
I suggest you cut your personal losses and give them my phone number.
At least you know I'll look after them!

[Goddess of Whatever]

Pooly,

I need to sleep, damn tired! Where should I go to sleep where the workers or anyone else can't see me?

Help!!!!


No, not dark place please.. The ghosts are scary!

[Fabian]

Go to the bathroom.

[Goddess of Whatever]

Yippie!!!

Thank you, Fab.


By the way, it's good to have you here being my friend.

[Fabian]

Why, in case you ever need an advise in german tax law?

[Goddess of Whatever]

I mean I am working and it's night time. Apart of my workmates, you are the only one friend who's online and it's like we are chatting.

[Fabian]

So what about your workmates, are they all asleep?

I hope you don't have to work much more because now I am going to bed.
Next time we could talk on ICQ, I think that's better instead of spamming on this thread.