Thread: Are Aussies Really So Bad?

This one is in honour of Terry who is giving us all a bad name.

New Preamble to the Australian Constitution


WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable".
Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.
We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.
We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and runs the bloody country. Not that we're whingeing.
We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase.
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.
We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.
We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all.
While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.
So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that.
Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?
Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.
We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot,we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis.
Now bugger off, we're sleeping.

Shit mate you been on here for 3 seconds and your attacking a great Australian like my self.

You don't know how you are hurting my extremely delicate feelings and its just not cricket.

Anyway mate,

You must stop posting such long rambling posts as no one gives a flying fok and you just make yourself look like a cock.

CHEERS.

^

The Doctor then went on to say,

Don't worry Terry,

Your still light years in front of Momo as there is " NO" hope for her.

Sorry mate,the doctor's name is Momo

Come on, Terry, she's not attacking you, she's gone out of her way to include you:

Originally Posted by momo8

WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.

We know you keep shaving your head so you can easily switch between the fire-helmet at work and the blond wig off-duty.

The Old Croc tells me that's acceptable in Aussie-land and all the blokes wear a red pantyhose at least once a week, but you need to shave your legs more frequently. Says he really had to control himself not to burst out laughing since everyone at the next table could hear the humming of your butt-plug.

Can I immigrate to Oz.

I'll stay off the dole and pay taxes, and will abide by all laws.

It'd be better to have me than the Lebos.

tewwy would try to stab mushy peas with a fork

Alice Springs 'world stabbing capital'

By Tamara McLean | March 25, 2008

STABBINGS in Central Australia's tourist capital have reached epidemic proportions, and traditional Aboriginal thigh spearing is being blamed.

Surgeons at Alice Springs Hospital say the town is in crisis, with the number of stab injuries, blunt force injuries, bone breaks and burns admissions rising.

The town now reports the highest rate of stabbings in the world, with 390 incidents for every 100,000 people.

Most concerning, say the medics, is that almost 40 per cent of the stabbings were thigh injuries most likely meted out by Aboriginal elders as traditional punishment.

The practice, designed to settle grievances, is performed by elders who "have a deep knowledge of human anatomy and are skilled at spearing the femoral artery with deft accuracy," Dr Abraham Jacob wrote in a report published in the latest ANZ Journal of Surgery.

The study shows 16 of the 605 Aborigines admitted with thigh stab wounds between 1998 and 2005 were dead on arrival.

"We found a significant and particular pattern of traditional stab injuries," Dr Jacob said.

"Medial thigh injury to kill, posterior thigh to permanently disable and lateral thigh to punish."

Contrary to anecdotal reports, women were just as likely to be subjected to the practice as men, and the location was town camps and homes, not streets or pubs as previously thought.

Alcohol played a role in 30 per cent of stabbing admissions.

About 20 per cent of the victims were admitted with stab wounds more than once, and in the same number of cases the victim absconded before they had completed treatment.

Dr Jacob and his colleagues said the study was the first to reveal the extent of injury and death due to traditional spearing, saying it adds to the town's growing poor statistics.

"Alice Springs has been given the title of the crime capital of Australia, and its town camps have been described as a 'sea of despair' with conditions similar to South African ghetto townships," Dr Jacob said.

The camps' population was expected to double in the next five years, speeding up already increasing rates of injury and death.

"Central Australia's tourist capital is in crisis," he said.

"A multi-pronged approach is needed, engaging Aboriginal leaders, social uplifting and economical support and education of the entire community."

Originally Posted by stroller

The Old Croc tells me that's acceptable in Aussie-land and all the blokes wear a red pantyhose at least once a week, but you need to shave your legs more frequently. Says he really had to control himself not to burst out laughing since everyone at the next table could hear the humming of your butt-plug. __________________

Too freaking funny I almost cacked myself.

Terry has a car crash into the back of a dwarfs car. There seems to be lots of damage.
The dwarf gets out and seeing the damage says, "I'm not happy". Terry says back to him, "well which one are ya then?"

Originally Posted by terry57

You must stop posting such long rambling posts as no one gives a flying fok

Correct, i couldn't be arsed reading it after the first 4 words. The replies seemed more interesting though.

Originally Posted by Milkman

Can I immigrate to Oz.

You'll have to learn Retarded English.

From whom? There's a difference between Aussie English and Yobbo English.

Are we all having fun again.?

Thank god for that.

Cheers

This is a long running (3 years) Thavisa thread

It's iconic for me because it was my first good thread post which I started there it's still good value for laughs.

Originally Posted by momo8

It's iconic for me because it was my first good thread post which I started there it's still good value for laughs.

You diddnt start it there, Axel did.

... waiting for it to get good ...

Originally Posted by Texpat

... waiting for it to get good ...

Your wait may be considerable.

^

Agreed.

Originally Posted by English Noodles

Originally Posted by momo8

It's iconic for me because it was my first good thread post which I started there it's still good value for laughs.

You diddnt start it there, Axel did.

I also started a similar one a year ago.

Sysney City Council complaints:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

Sorry but that list of complaints was used by the comedian Jasper Carrot in the UK about 20 years ago , and was about Birmingham city council house tenants.
Was also on one of his albums (Karrot in Koncert???)
No matter where it came from - still good for a laugh !!!

Originally Posted by momo8

Originally Posted by English Noodles

Originally Posted by momo8

It's iconic for me because it was my first good thread post which I started there it's still good value for laughs.

You diddnt start it there, Axel did.

I also started a similar one a year ago.

Sysney City Council complaints:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

an wotz wrong wiv any of dem complaints? huh?

when do we start talking about retarded english?

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