POSTED LIVE FROM PACIFIC COFFEE INTERNET TERMINAL
CHANGI AIRPORT TERMINAL 2
11:12PM
Dear Tony whatever,
Your airline is fucking crap and I suggest that instead of boasting in your inflight rag about how your beloved Tiger Airlines is branching out into Australia and boring us with how many planes you now have compared to 2003 under a photo of your gormless mug, you might wish to make some improvements.
Must admit the plane was ok, nice and new - nice livery (especially the tail) until I wanted to recline and get some sleep on the 3hr 10 minute flight from Clark. I assume it was your idea to make the seats non reclining but have the button on the side of the armrest anyway so I spend the first 5 minutes of the flight pushing my back against the seat with the button depressed. I also thought it was a bit paranoid your company insisting mobile phones were switched off before leaving the departure lounge.
The in flight food option was seafood with rice and ratatouille which wasn't too bad, I actually had two at a cost of 6 dollars you smug tight arse.
I arrived at the budget terminal at Singapore 45 minutes late because, I forgot to mention, the flight was delayed - but I didn't mind because it simply meant I now had 8hrs and 15 minutes instead of 9 hrs to hang around with absolutely nothing to do except count the bottles of Chivas in the duty free.
Then to my horror I notice my two cases emerging on the belt, the ones I had to pay 2000 pesos excess weight tax on (which I will now have to pay again on the next flight). I would have thought it wouldn't have been too much to assume that I wouldn't see my bags again until Bangkok, just as well I saw them - and fuck hanging around at the budget terminal, I got the bus to the T2 carpark where after a few warning rumbles and hot, fragile farts a hot spike of pressure hit my lower abdomen almost crippling me with pain and I had to do 'the penguin' to the nearest toilet facility.
Of course I had to take the trolley with me with my 2 cases, backpack and laptop and almost made it to the disabled cubicle but didn't and subsequently soiled myself as I was trying to lock the door, though 'soil' isn't the word - more of a bolognese bomb you smug, millionaire git.
I will leave the next few minutes to your imagination, or you can eat one of your seafood and ratatouille efforts and experience it for yourself.
The supermarket shut just as I wanted to buy a drink, I can't get to the free cinema, sleep lounges and beyond because I'm not departing from this terminal, I can't light a cigarette because your staff confescated my lighter at Clark and one of your staff, like most Singaporeans - a lesbian, a Tamil one I think, told me I could use the facilities here which was bullshit. If I see her later on I will give her what for if she's still on shift and not changing into her dungarees and making sure her lips are the same colour as her face.
Sort your airline out before bragging about how good it is because it's not good and I'm going to post this letter on www.teakdoor.com so all these expats I have never met but associate with online can see.
Sincerely,
The Gentleman Scamp
11:29PM - Only 7 fucking hours to go.