Thread: Famous Commentator Balls Ups

Well we have all heard them from time to time..if you have any please feel free to post them here.

I'll start off. In the recent FA Cup match between Man United and Reading the co-comentator said of Ronaldo

"He's had a couple of chances on three or four occasions"

Famous cricket quote from the '70s in a test match between England and the West Indies:

'The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willie'.

And not forgetting:

The line up for the final of the womens 400 metre hurdles inclueds three Russians, two east Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman.

David Coleman

Nor:

"And here comes Moses Kiptanui, the nineteen year old Kenyan who turned twenty a few weeks ago."

David Coleman (again)

From Doug Wade, The inaugural winner of Australia's 'Boot in Mouth' award.

"The Ablett brothers (Geoff and Kevin) are hard to tell apart, although one has a beard"

Goes on forever, with a few classics...




"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones." - Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LCQF, 1992

"Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence." - NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered." - George Best.

"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent." - Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.

"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on." - John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.

"Fulham Football Club seeks a Manager / Genius." - Newspaper ad, 1991.

"Ardiles strokes the ball like it was part of his anatomy." - Jimmy Magee, RTE WC commentator.

"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought." - Bobby Robson after England nearly lost to Cameroon, WC 1990.

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival." - Niall O'Mahoney, Cork City manager before UEFA Cup game v Bayern Munich.

"It's hard to be passionate twice a week." - George Graham on Arsenal's punishing schedule, 1991.

"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day." - CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard

"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot." – Ray Wilkins, speaking on BBC1

"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..." – Alan Sugar, speaking on BBC1

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." - RON AKTINSON in a TV interview

"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke..." - Carling FA Premiership WWW Page

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal." - DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports

"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals." - PETER WITHE, speaking on Radio 5 Live

"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals." - ALAN GREEN, speaking on Radio 5 Live

"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...." - SIMON FANSHAWE, speaking on Talk Radio

"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards..." - PETER REID, Tyne Tees Sport Special

"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..." - ANDY GRAY, Sky Sports

"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes." - STEVE COPPELL, Radio 5 Live

"They (Rosenborg) have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them." - BRIAN MOORE, ITV

"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen." - TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold

"The lads really ran their socks into the ground." - ALEX FERGUSON

"He (Brian Laudrup) wasn't just facing one defender -- he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well." - TREVOR STEVEN, STV

"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday." - Radio 5 Live

"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals." - TONY GUBBA, BBC Match of the Day

"...an excellent player, but he (Ian Wright) does have a black side." - GARY LINEKER, BBC

"We say 'educated left foot'... of course, there are many players with educated right foots." - RON JONES, Radio 5 Live

"That's twice now he (Terry Phelan) has got between himself and the goal." - BRIAN MARWOOD, Radio 5 Live

"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money." - NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live

"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps." - BRUCE RIOCH, ITV

"And I suppose they (Spurs) are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway." - JOHN MOTSON, BBC

"... and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his foot with a ball of string..." - IAN DARKE, Radio 5

"I never make predictions and I never will." - PAUL GASCOIGNE

"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold." - JIMMY HILL

"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up." - BRIAN MOORE

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again." - TERRY VENABLES

"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it." - ALAN BALL

"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee." - MIKE INGHAM

"I think that was a moment of cool panic there." - RON ATKINSON

"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs." - RON ATKINSON

"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve." - JOHN GREIG

"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years." - MARTIN HODGE

"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet." - JAMES SANDERSON

"They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame." - RON GREENWOOD

"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head." - DEREK RAE

"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side." - MIKE INGHAM

"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him." - BOBBY ROBSON

"The shot from Laws was precise but wide." - ALAN PARRY

"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour." - JOHN MOTSON

"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different." - TREVOR BROOKING

"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them." - MALCOLM McDONALD

"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun." - BOBBY CHARLTON

You have got to miss them to score sometimes." - DAVE BASSETT

"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead." - TOM FERRIE

"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave." - JOHN HOLLINS

"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley, unless somebody knocks us out." - DAVE BASSETT

"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road." - ALAN GREEN

"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds." - PETER JONES

"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on." - Kevin Keegan

"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal." - JIMMY HILL

"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails." - RICHARD PARK

"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice." - TREVOR BROOKING

"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record." - SPORTS ROUNDUP

"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale." - JOHN LYALL

"In comparison, there's no comparison." - RON GREENWOOD

"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was." - RON ATKINSON

"Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together." - MALCOLM McDONALD

"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins." - BRIAN MOORE

"Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow." - JOHN GREIG

"Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me." - TERRY VENABLES

"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way." - RON ATKINSON

"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0." - IAN DARK

"They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that way they will go places." - JOHN GIDMAN

"Being naturally right-footed he doesn't often chance his arm with his left foot." - TREVOR BROOKING

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." - DAVID ACFIELD

"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio." - Gerry Francis

"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent." - Bryan Robson (1990)

"John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday." - New York Post (1993)

"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers." - Mick Lyons

"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head." - Derek Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland (1994)

"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball...they must have seen something that nobody else did." - Barry Davies (1975)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce (1992)

"Glen Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson." - Ron Greenwood

"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs." - Denis Law

"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place, play for the same club, and were discovered by the same man." - Norman Whiteside

"I never comment on referees or refereeing, and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." - Ron Atkinson (1979)

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip." - John Motson - BBC TV

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty."

"And he's got the icepack on his groin there, so possibly not the old shoulder injury." - Ray French - Sky TV Rugby

"Ah! isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

"What a man, what a lift, what a jerk." - Jimmy McGee on weight lifting in olympics (jerk being a movement in
weight lifting)

"Watch her spread her legs and show her class." - Jimmy McGee on the last 300 metres of a long distance final
(Olympics).

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." - Ted Walsh (Horse Racing Commentator)

"If he opens his legs, he'll be hard to handle." - Graham Taylor

"Ardiles strokes the ball like it was a part of his anatomy." - Jimmy Magee, RTE

"Neil Harvey, standing at leg slip with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle..." - Brian Johnston, BBC

"Botham struggled to get his leg over there." - Jonathan Agnew, BBC

"Rutherford's asking the umpire how many balls he's got left... he's got two." - Bryan Waddle, Radio New Zealand

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." - Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator

"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..." - Andy Gray, Sky Sports

"The Czech Republic are coming from behind in more than one way now." - John Motson, BBC in 27th minute of World Cup 2006 game against Italy.

"And Michael Schumacher just stood on his seat and pulled out something special." - Martin Brundle, ITV

"Gary Neville says that Porto are a bunch of girls who go down too easily." - Peter Schmeichel

"Arsene Wenger's lips are firmly sealed on Sir Alex Ferguson." - Sky News

"We're not going to tell those just coming in the result of that fantastic match, but let's have another look at Italy's winning goal..." - David Coleman, BBC

"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio." - Gerry Francis

"I imagine that the conditions in those cars are totally unimaginable." - Murray Walker, BBC and ITV

"Mansell knows exactly where he (Ayrton Senna) is because he can see him in his earphones." - Murray Walker, BBC and ITV

"The Baggio brothers, of course, are not related." - George Hamilton, RTE', referring to Roberto and Dino Baggio

"Ralf Schumacher has been upstaged by the teenager Jenson Button, who is 20." - Murray Walker

"You need at least eight or nine men in a ten-man wall." - Mark Lawrenson, BBC

"Billy Gilbert hit a kamikaze back pass which Justin Fashanu pounced on like a black Frank Bruno." - Ian Darke, BBC Radio.

"He's very quick for a man of his age. I suppose you'd call him ageless. He's 33 or 34." - David Pleat, ITV

"I'm not going to drag it out or make a point, because points are pointless." - Simon Jordan BBC

"He'll have a pair of sharp and canny shoulders to listen to." - David Platt, BBC Radio 4

"Well Clive, it's all about the two 'M's - movement and positioning." - Ron Atkinson, ITV

"Neil Baker is standing on the touchline with his hands in his tracksuit bottoms scratching his head." - Chris Kamara, Sky Sports

"I'll be back in just 15 minutes in an hour's time." - Kirsty Young, Channel5

"Real Madrid are like a rabbit in the glare of the headlights in the face of Manchester United's attacks. But this rabbit comes with a suit of armour in the shape of two precious away goals." - George Hamilton, RTE

"And Cristiano Ronaldo has hit the ball with every inch of his body weight!" - Alan Dark

"I think the big guns will come to the boil." - Jimmy Armfield, BBC Radio Five Live, World Cup 2006

"And the Bulgarians are doing all they can here to waste every last inch of time in this game." - Colin MacNamara

"That's another nail in his afternoon." - Mark Blundell

"They've tasted the other side of the coin on so many occasions." - Andy Townsend

"I bet Keegan will be jumping like a Jack in a Beanstalk." - Sky Sports News

"They've taken the horns by the scruff of the neck." - Tony Cascarino

"It's a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs." - David Coleman, BBC

"If the ball had crossed the line, it would have been a goal..." - David Coleman, BBC

"With half the race gone, there is half of the race still to go." - Murray Walker

"A deflection - that's what changed the course of the ball." - Jim Beglin, ITV, 2006 World Cup

"There's a real international flavour to this World Cup." - Jimmy Armfield, BBC Radio Five Live, 2006

"It's raining very hard now and the players are getting wet." - Keith Quinn, Television New Zealand

"The man (Alex Ferguson) is United. Cut him and he will bleed red." - Alan Brazil

"I think the batsman's strategy will be to make runs and not get out." - Richie Benaud, Channel 9 Australia

"Once someone hits that puck it's going to keep going until it stops."

"The key to winning a hockey game is to score more goals than your opponent." - Paul Steigerwald, Pittsburgh Penguins Announcer

"Owen runs like rabbit chasing after... What do rabbits run after? They run after nothing! Well, running after other rabbits." - Tom Tyrell

"Oh dear, his right leg collided with himself there." - Mark Bright

"Although we are playing Russian Roulette we are obviously playing Catch 22 at the moment and it's a difficult scenario to get my head round." - Paul Sturrock

"And Bonner has gone 165 minutes of these championships without conceding a goal. Oh, danger here...oh dear." - George Hamilton, RTE

"You won't win anything with kids." - Alan Hansen on Manchester United's young side from the 1995-96 season's opening day defeat. United went on to win the Premiership and FA Cup double that season

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." - Murray Walker

"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" - RTE's George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense." - Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991


"It was like being in a foreign country." - Ian Rush, on the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy.

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." - John Arlott

"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." - Peter Lorenzo

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised." - Ian McNail

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." - Murray Walker

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." - Greg Norman

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Alan Minter

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball." - John Francombe

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." - Terry Venables

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." - Ron Atkinson

"It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up." - Ian Wright - commenting on his teammate's alcoholism

"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists." - David Vine

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres." - David Coleman

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." - Metro Radio

"....and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs ..." - Sue Barker

"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of." - David Coleman

Dennis Pennis: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
Chris Eubank: "On what?"

"Sex is an anti-climax after that!" - Grand National-winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald.

"Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that." - Desmond Lynam

"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch." - Ruud Gullit

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." - Ron Atkinson

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper, Aston Villa

" There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." - David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics

"...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion." - John Arlott

"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them." - Gary McCord, on the greens at Augusta

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?" - USTV commentator

"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running." - Ron Pickering

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel; call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." - Murray Walker

"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales." - Ron Greenwood

"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." - Jo Sheldon

"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation." - Ron Pickering

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." - Ted Lowe

"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him." - Stuart Pearson

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." - Marlon Starling

"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge." - John Snagge, Boat Race

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." - Tony Crozier

"It sounds like a nice day for a long weekend." - JO SHELDON, GMTV

"She never knows when she's beaten except when she actually is." - STEPHEN HADLEY

"There is Brendan Foster, all by himself, with twenty thousand people..." - DAVID COLEMAN

"He is even smaller in real life than he is on the track." - DAVID COLEMAN

"...a very powerful set of lungs, very much hidden by that chest of his." - ALAN PASCOE

"Virren, the champion, came in fifth place and ran a champions race." - ANON

"This boy swims like a greyhound." - ANTHONY STILL

"...he just can't believe what's not happening to him." - DAVID COLEMAN

"Tahamata went through the air like a torpedo." - PETER JONES

"Both these players seem to anticipate the play of the other almost before it's happened." - TONY GUBBA

"Harvey Glance, the black American sprinter with the white top and the black bottom..." - RON PICKERING

"There is only one winner in this race." - DAVID COLEMAN

"...and the winner is the winner." - DAVID COLEMAN

"Bradford, who had gone up from 200 metres to 400, found it hard going and for the last 100 was always going backwards." - DAVID COLEMAN

"...Henry Runo... the man with those tremedous asbestos lungs." - RON PICKERING

"And the crowd go wild as they see the shaven head of Hagler enter the auditorium. And there he is, hooded..." - REG GUTTERIDGE

"...and Magri has to do well against this unknown Mexican who comes from a famous family of five boxing brothers." - HARRY CARPENTER

"Heis had 24 fights, lost one, so he is undefeated..." - ALAN MINTER

"Minter, the undisputed world champion, leaves the ring not a champion." - HARRY CARPENTER

"Well, I'm hoping we can fight again, or at least have a re-match." - JOHN CONTEH

"To be honest, it was a very physical fight..." - JIM WATT

"This ring really does look small although it's standard size. Mind you, we're watching the fight in a huge stadium so Einstein's theory of relativity must be working here." - REG GUTTERIDGE

"It's his second finger - technically his third." - CHRISTOPHER MARTIN-JENKINS

"It's a unique occasion, really - a repeat of Melbourne 1977." - JIM LAKER

"It's especially tense for Parker who's literally fighting for a place on an overcrowded plane to India." - TREVOR BAILEY

"Boycott, somewhat a creature of habit, likes exactly the sort of food he himself prefers." - DON MOSEY

"The Test Match begins in ten minutes - that's our time, of course..." - DAVID COLEMAN

"Lilee bowled seven overs, no maidens, no wickets for 35, and I think that's a true reflection of his figures too." - ALAN McGILVAN

"...and England win by a solitary nine runs..." - FRANK BOUGH

"After their 60 overs, West Indies have scored 244 for 7, all out." - FRANK BOUGH

"The hallmark of a great captain is his ability to win the toss at the right time." - RICHIE BENAUD

"Within a couple of minutes he had scored two goals in a two-minute period." - ALAN PARRY

"For a player to ask for a transfer has opened everybody's eyebrows." - BOBBY ROBSON

"The score is Middlesborough 1, Middlesborough 0 - and Middlesborough have now gone eleven matches without a win." - DAVID COLEMAN

"John Bond's smile is always very, very good radio..." - MIKE INGHAM

"After a goalless first half, the score at half-time is 0-0." - BRIAN MOORE

"And Keegan was there like a surgeon's knife - bang!" - BRYAN BUTLER

"Sporting Lisbon in their green and white hooped shirts... they look like a team of zebras." - PETER JONES

"So far Villa have only troubled Bradshaw twice with shots that did not trouble him." - LARRY CANNING

"Without picking out individuals, I thought Gary Stanley did very well indeed." - ANON

"Even when you're dead you shouldn't lie down and let yourself be buried." - GORDON LEE

"I promise results, not promises." - JOHN BOND

"I wouldn't mind being a fly on Larry Lloyd's shorts." - MARTIN JOHNSON

"...and their manager, terry Neil, isn't here today, which suggests he is somewhere else." - BRIAN MOORE

"Most of the things I've done are my own fault, so I can't feel guilty about them." - GEORGE BEST

"I have other irons in the fire, but I'm keeping them close to my chest." - JOHN BOND

"History, as John Bond would agree, is all about todays and not about yesterdays." - BRIAN MOORE

"The advantage of being at home is very much with the home side." - DENIS LAW

"Some of the players never dreamed they'd be playing in a Cup Final at Wembley - but here they are today, fulfilling those dreams." - LAWRIE McMENEMY

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka

"He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa." - Ronnie Whelan

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - Neville Southall

"We lost because we didn't win." - Ronaldo

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." - Alan Shearer

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." - Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester." - Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing." - Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." - Ian Wright

"It was a big relief off my shoulder." - Paul Gascoigne

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." - Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough." - Jonathan Woodgate

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Lee Hendrie

Interviewer: "Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?"
David Beckham: "Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side."

"If you're 0-0 down, there's no-one better to get you back on terms than Ian Wright." - Robbie Earle

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today." - Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Barry Venison

"The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukranians will be more European." - Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had." - David Beckham

"The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it." - Graeme Le Saux

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry

"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - David Beckham

"I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football." - Les Ferdinand

"It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked." - Richard Rufus

"There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between." - Gary Lineker

"Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win." - Vinny Jones

"Away from home our fans are fantastic, I'd call them the hardcore fans. But at home they have a few drinks and probably the prawn sandwiches, and they don't realise what's going on out on the pitch." - Roy Keane

"We have people coming here to admire the scenery and enjoy their crisps." - Sir Alex Ferguson, on ManU fans

"People say footballers have terrible taste in music but I would dispute that. In the car at the moment I've got The Corrs, Cher, Phil Collins, Shania Twain and Rod Stewart." - Andy Gray

"I hate to admit this but I don't even know how to make a cup of tea or coffee. I can boil a kettle for a pot noodle and I've been known to warm up some food in the microwave." - Michael Owen

"I would like to have Brooklyn christened but I'm not sure which religion yet." - David Beckham

"For Burnley to win they are going to have to score." - Chris Kamara

"He will be called Ronald, because we like going to McDonald's." - Ronaldo, on his baby

"It is necessary to wear the sandals of humility and not let the win over Manchester United go to our heads." - Vasco Da Gama coach Antonio Lopes

"Red blood flows through Dyke's veins." - Mihir Bose of the Daily Telegraph, describing the extent of the BBC director general's devotion to ManYoo

"Very few of us have any idea whatsoever of what life is like living in a goldfish bowl - except, of course, for those of us who are goldfish." - Graham Taylor

"Bryan Robson has been a victim of his own success." - Middlesbrough chief executive Keith Lamb

"This is deja vu all over again." - Sky Sports Spanish football commentator

"Ken Bates is a football cretin." - Martin O'Neill

"There will have to be a bubonic plague for me to pick Di Canio." - Italy coach Giovanni Trapattoni

"I'd like to be a dog. Dogs are nice. They can sleep any time, they wag their tails and on top of that they can get stroked all the time." - Emmanuel Petit

"West Ham can take it or leave it. Our 15m (GBP) bid for Rio Ferdinand already constitutes a world record for a defender and is a measured valuation. There will be no more." - Leeds chairman Peter Ridsdale, less than a week after upping his final offer by 3m GBP

"I am a Nigerian and I will remain a Nigerian until the day I die." - Kanu

"It was with a homosexual, I was barely 14 years old. But let's be fair, I wasn't the only one who did it. He was a man in Bauru that all our team visited." - Pele, on losing his virginity

"It was the first serious relationship I had after separating from my wife Rose. Xuxa was 15, still a virgin and had a boyfriend who she fought with. Xuxa's father gave me permission to go out with her. I didn't like virgins so I told her to sort her 'problem' with her boyfriend. Then, after a little while, we became 'friends' and started going out frequently." - Pele again

"We gained more from the game than they did... except they got the points." - Brian Little

"I would not sign for another club, not even if I was offered 15 million dollars. However, it would be different if they were to instead offer me 15 different women from all around the world. I would tell the club chairman: Please let me make these women happy - I will satisfy them like they have never been satisfied before." - Sasa Curcic

"There is a world of difference between football and sex - no question about that. I can't achieve an orgasm by looking at a team-mate, but it would be a totally different matter with Cindy Crawford." - Sasa Curcic

"Wendy Toms has never been taken from behind by a 14-stone centre half." - Joe Royle

"When he was dribbling, he used to go through a minefield with his arm, a bit like you go through a supermarket." - Bobby Robson on Gazza

"I'm an emotional person and I enjoy crying. You know the film Beaches with Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey? Sometimes, when I want a good cry I put it on." - Ian Wright

"They should leave David Beckham alone - he's a great striker." - Zoe Ball

"Is Dreamcast the name of the team?" - Prince Philip's reaction to seeing an Arsenal shirt complete with sponsor's logo, during a trip to Highbury

"He used to play tapes of Bill Shankly talking. I remember that and a singer he liked. I don't know who it was but it was crap. He played it on the team bus too and all the boys hated it. Until one night it got chucked away. If he's still wondering who threw that tape off the bus, it was me. So maybe he was right and I'm not to be trusted." - Gordon Strachan, on Sir Alex Ferguson

"If I were Marcello Lippi, people would have had more faith in me." - John Barnes

"Darlington will become the most successful club in England." - George Reynolds

"Working with people on a field turns me on." - Graeme Souness

"I'm not going to look beyond the semi-final - but I would love to lead Newcastle out at the final." - Bobby Robson

"When I lived in rural Oxfordshire, I was walking home across a field when I stroked a cow. The damn thing butted me in the orchestras." - Mark Lawrenson

"I do go to football sometimes but I don't know the offside rule or free-kicks or side kicks or whatever they're called." - Victoria Beckham

"Welcome to the Nou Camp stadium in Barcelona that is packed to capacity... with some patches of seats left empty." - George Hamilton

"Dennis Wise, Vinnie Jones and John Fashanu must be turning in their graves." - Carlton Palmer

"I've seen some players with very big feet... and some with very small feet." - David Pleat

"David's most annoying habit is that he picks his toes with one of those long prong things from Boots." - Victoria Beckham

"If there's one thing Gus Uhlenbeek's got, it's pace and determination." - Ray Houghton

"When you're walking onto a bus and trying to get there before the person in front of you, that's a different level of competition to playing in front of 80,000 people." - Graeme Le Saux

"I was inbred into the game by my father." - David Pleat

"Zinedine Zidane could be a champion sumo wrestler. He can run like a crab or a gazelle." - Howard Wilkinson

"There's still 45 minutes to go - for both sides, I would guess." - Brian Marwood

"Players who have more great games than other players are the great players." - Graeme Souness

"It should be a good match because they're a good football team as well and we're a good football team. It should be a very good match." - Peter Taylor

"If Plan A fails, they could always revert to Plan A." - Mark Lawrenson

"We started poorly, we finished poorly and we were poor in the middle. Even when we were 1-0 up after five minutes I knew it was a disaster waiting to happen." - Bournemouth player/coach Peter Grant

"It's his first cap, so he's not got a lot of experience at this level." - Brian Marwood

"Achilles tendon injuries are a pain in the butt." - David O'Leary

"I certainly wouldn't put money on myself. Working as a national manager is out of the question." - Sven-Goran Eriksson, six days before accepting the England job

"If you'd been at school, he would have been the boy who ate worms." - Neil Ruddock, on Stan Collymore

"I usually don't have sex. Not on the same day. I say no thanks. I guess that, mentally, I want to keep the feeling in my feet and that's why. I think the feeling sort of disappears out of your feet if you have sex before. I have tried before and my feet felt like concrete when you are supposed to kick the ball." - Freddie Ljungberg

"Veggard Heggem, my word, he must have a Yamaha down his shorts." - Terry Butcher

"I was a bit anxious when I got to the stadium, but in all fairness if I hadn't been anxious I'd have been worried." - Paul Robinson

"England are numerically outnumbered in the midfield." - Mark Lawrenson

"It's real end-to-end stuff... but unfortunately it's all up at Forest's end." - Chris Kamara

"We were in a very awkward position against Yugoslavia, in that in order to win we needed to score more goals then they did." - Spanish coach Jose Antonio Camacho

"The reason we went out of Euro 2000 wasn't anything to do with what happened in the last minute against Romania." - Gary Neville

"I have doubts about his mentality. I don't think he's a thousand percent mentally." - Eamonn Dunphy

"It was as if - (long pause) - the palm of Xavier's hand deflected the ball away. And that's what I call hand ball." - Garth Crooks

"I like to breed players that attack people." - David O'Leary

"The Northampton striker went through the Stoke defence like a combine harvester on summer holiday." - Sky Sports, Brian Beard

"Don't get the idea I'm an Indian devotee but they taught their children how to listen - they had to hear the wind, the trees and the earth talk. You can hear the earth, you know." - Former German coach-in-waiting Christoph Daum, who later failed a drug test

"If you buy a man who is half-dead, everybody may be happy off the field, but on the field you'll have major problems." - Arsene Wenger

"It can't be Sunday every day. There are also Mondays and Tuesdays." - George Weah

"He walks around the kitchen going 'I'm a gay icon, they love me.' The thing is with David is that he doesn't care. He'll go out in his skirt and his bandana and he doesn't care what people say." - Victoria Beckham

"Northampton is a massive club." - Goalkeeper Adam Sollitt

"He left the same way he arrived - fired with enthusiasm". - Joe Lovejoy (Sunday Times) on the sacking of Graham Taylor as England Manager.

"England have not won a game for three months. The fact that we have not played for three months is irrelevant. Graham Taylor should hang, and so should his successor." - Viz, September, 1993.

"The only mates he had in all his time at Liverpool were straight out of the vending machine". - Tommy Smith, on Emlyn Hughes.

"A million wouldn't buy him, and I'd be one of them." - Bill Shankley.

"Ach, not the Dutch again You are all assholes anyway and Adolf should have gotten rid of you." - Lothar Mattaus, after being cornered by a Dutch TV camera crew at Bayern Munich's training ground in 1994.

Richard Keys: Well Roy, do you think you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league?
Roy Evans: You have to finish above everyone to win the league Richard.

"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball they must have seen something that nobody else did." - Barry Davies (1975)

"There's nobody fitter at his age, except maybe Raquel Welch." - Ron Atkinson lauds Gordon Strachan, 39.

"Manchester United take more in programme sales than we take on the gate." - Lawrie McMenemy, Southampton.

"If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can't swim." - Berti Vogts, Germany coach.

"You don't have to have been a horse to be a jockey." - Arrigo Sacchi, Italy coach, defending a meagre playing record.

"Love is good for footballers, as long as it is not at half-time." - Richard Moller Nielsen, Denmark coach.

"I was about to say, before something far more interesting interrupted me." - John Motson, France v Bulgaria.

"Why didn't you just belt it, son?" - Gareth Southgate's mother reflects publicly on her son's penalty miss.

"The spirit he has shown has been second to none." - Terry Venables, on Terry Fenwick's drink-driving charge

"To be really happy, we must throw our hearts over the bar and hope that our bodies will follow." - GRAHAM TAYLOR

"No-one hands you cups on a plate." - TERRY MCDERMOTT

"There are two ways of getting the ball. One is from your own team-mates, and that's the only way." - TERRY VENABLES

"The referee has a reputation for trying to make a name for himself." - GRAEME SOUNESS

"If in winning we only draw we would be fine." - JACK CHARLTON

"Shearer could be at 100 per cent fitness, but not peak fitness." - GRAHAM TAYLOR

"It's a case of putting all our eggs into the next ninety minutes." - PHIL NEAL

"Give him his head and he'll take it with both hands or feet." - BOBBY GOULD

"Cole should be scoring from those distances, but I'm not going to single him out." - ALEX FERGUSON

"I would have to be deaf not to read the allegations." - BOBBY DOWNES

"Neil Lennon wasn't sent off for scoring a goal, and that's what annoys me." - MARTIN O'NEILL

"Last night,we were the best team on the day." - ROY AITKEN

"We're going to start the game at nil-nil and go out and try to get some goals." - BRYAN ROBSON

"I can't see us getting beat now - once we get our tails in front." - JIM PLATT

"As we say in football, it'll go down to the last wire." - COLIN TODD

"They had a dozen corners, maybe 12, I'm guessing." - CRAIG BROWN

"I'm a firm believer that if the other side scores first you have to score twice to win." - HOWARD WILKINSON

"If we can play like that every week we'll get some level of consistency." - ALEX FERGUSON

"If they hadn't scored, we would've won." - HOWARD WILKINSON

"It's the only way we can lose, irrespective of the result." - GRAHAM TAYLOR

"Their football was exceptionally good - and they played some good football." - BOBBY ROBSON

"It's understandable and I understand that." - TERRY VENABLES

"If you can't outplay the opposition, you must outnumber them." - TERRY VENABLES

"Well, we got nine and you can't score more than that." - BOBBY ROBSON

"I do want to play the short ball and I do want to play the long ball. I think long and short balls is what football is all about." - BOBBY ROBSON

"Outside of quality we had other qualities." - BERTIE MEE

"Our first goal was pure textile." - JOHN LAMBIE

"To be talking about vital games at this stage of the season is ridiculous, really, but tomorrow's game is absolutely vital." - BRIAN HORTON

"A lot of hard work went into this defeat." - MALCOLM ALLISON

"It was a game we should have won. We lost it because we thought we were going to win it. But then again, I thought that there was no way we were going to get a result there." - JACK CHARLTON

"We probably got on better with the likes of Holland, Belgium, Norway and Sweden, some of whom are not even European." - JACK CHARLTON

"The first 90 minutes are the most important." - BOBBY ROBSON

"I promise results, not promises." - JOHN BOND

"It would be a nice scalp for S****horpe to put Wimbledon on our bottoms." - DAVE BASSETT

"Klinsmann has taken to English football like a duck out of water." - GERRY FRANCIS

"We rode our luck, but that's what the goalposts are there for." - JOE KINNEAR

"We ended up playing football, and that's not our style." - ALEX MacDONALD

"We got the winner with three minutes left, but then they equalised." - IAN McNAIL

"Hagi is a brilliant player, but we're not going to get psychedelic over him." - ANDY ROXBURGH

"It's thrown a spanner in the fire." - BOBBY GOULD

"Maybe not goodbye, but farewell..." - BOBBY ROBSON

"Eighteen months ago they (Sweden) were arguably one of the best three teams in Europe, and that would include Germany, Holland, Russia and anybody else if you like." - BOBBY ROBSON

"There is great harmonium in the dressing room." - SIR ALF RAMSEY

"There are 0-0's and 0-0's - and this was 0-0." - JOHN SILLETT

"...when Flitcroft played for the A team, he had 'footballer' written all over his forehead." - COLIN BELL

"Chester made it hard for us by having two players sent off." - JOHN DOCHERTY

"When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1." - LAWRIE McMENEMY

"I'm definately maybe going to play Sturrock." - JIM McLEAN

"I can count on the fingers of one hand ten games where we've caused our own downfall." - JOE KINNEAR

"It would have killed them off a little bit." - GERRY FRANCIS

"We've watched them twice, and seen a few videos. I didn't see them 38 times though, like McCarthy says he watched us. I don't think that's possible. I did my maths you see. That's 38 times 90 minutes - that's two months and the draw was only three weeks ago!" - GEORGES LEEKENS

"I am often interested in players but I never say so, although I am looking for a striker and a midfield player." - COLIN TODD

"We are not putting our cape over the tunnel : we are putting our cape in the tunnel." - HOWARD WILKINSON

"They're not doing as well in the league as they've done." - ROY HODGSON

"We have faced African teams, we have faced English teams - so we are ready to face Scotland because we know what their play will be like." - MARIO ZAGALLO

"The way forwards is backwards." - DAVE SEXTON

"The one thing I didn't expect is the way we didn't play." - GEORGE GRAHAM

"We just ran out of legs." - DAVID PLEAT

"He's such an honest person it's untrue." - BRIAN LITTLE

"When you score one goal more than the other team in a cup tie it is always enough." - CESARE MALDINI

"What he's got is legs, which the other midfielders don't have." - LENNIE LAWRENCE

"Hartson's got more previous than Jack the Ripper." - HARRY REDKNAPP

"The important thing is he shook hands with us over the phone." - ALAN BALL

"You must be as strong in March, when the fish are down." - GIANLUCA VIALLI

"We pressed the self-destruct button ourselves." - BRIAN KIDD

"We can beat anyone on our day, so long as we score." - ALEX TOTTEN

"We had enough chances to win this game. In fact, we did win." - ALEX SMITH

"I don't blame individuals, I blame myself." - JOE ROYLE

"I just wonder what would have happened if the shirt had been on the other foot." - MIKE WALKER

"Some of our players have got no brains, so I've given them the day off tomorrow to rest them." - DAVID KEMP

"I was feeling as sick as the proverbial donkey." - MICK MCCARTHY

"The beauty of Cup football is that Jack always has a chance of beating Goliath." - TERRY BUTCHER

"There's a rat in the camp trying to throw a spanner into the works." - CHRIS CATTLIN

"I'm the one with his head on the line." - CHRIS WADDLE

"We must have had 99% of the game. It was the other three per cent that cost us the match." - RUUD GULLIT

"Of the nine red cards this season we probably deserved half of them." - ARSENE WENGER

"Winning all the time is not necessarily good for the team." - JOHN TOSHACK

"Too many players were trying to score or create a goal." - GERARD HOULLIER

"I've seen them on television on a Sunday morning most days of the week." - JACK CHARLTON

"You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them into chronological order." - DAVE BASSETT

"It was not a mistake, it was a blunder." - GERARD HOULLIER

"We didn't look like scoring, although we looked like we were going to get a goal." - ALAN BUCKLEY

"The effort I think you should take for granted, but sometimes it's not there." - GRAHAM TAYLOR

"We're down to the bare knuckles." - GEORGE GRAHAM

"Nothing that UEFA or FIFA do surprises me any more and I'm very surprised this has not been sorted out long in advance." - GRAHAM TAYLOR

"He made the impossible possible." - ARSENE WENGER

"Davor has a left leg and a nose in the box." - ARSENE WENGER

"We've got to get out there and set our stool out early." - KEITH STEVENS

"Today's top players only want to play in London or for Manchester United. That's what happened when I tried to sign Alan Shearer and he went to Blackburn." - GRAEME SOUNESS

"We're football people, not poets, but obviously I'm disappointed with the result." - MICK McCARTHY

"To be second with one game to go - you can't ask for more." - STUART McCALL

"Of the ten sendings off, nine have been different players, so it proves we're unlucky." - KEITH STEVENS

"It was a continuance of what we have seen most of the season - that is, various clubs beating each other." - RON NOADES

"I don't read everything I read in the press." - DAVE JONES

"The best thing for them to do is to stay at nil-nil until they score the goal." - MARTIN O'NEILL

"If we'd won, it would have meant an historic double-treble. But we weren't even thinking about that." - WALTER SMITH

"People always remember the second half." - GRAHAM TAYLOR

"I strongly feel that the only difference between the two teams were the goals that England scored." - CRAIG BROWN

"I just felt that the whole night, the conditions and taking everything into consideration and everything being equal, and everything is equal, we should have got something from the game - but we didn't." - JOHN BARNES

"It wasn't going to be our day on the night." - BRYAN ROBSON

"We are now entering a new Millennium and football's a completely different cup of tea." - DAVE BASSETT

"I couldn't really jet off to the States on a whim and a prayer." - DAVID PLATT

"This pilot move by FIFA will take root and fly." - ALEX FERGUSON

"I am manager of Macclesfield and am giving the job my total commitment. Obviously, as an Irishman, I want the job as their international manager." - SAMMY MCILROY

"It's a conflict of parallels." - ALEX FERGUSON

"The main thing in a cup tie is to get through." - WALTER SMITH

"I wouldn't deny City promotion if they got it." - TONY MOWBRAY

"Two-nil was a dangerous lead to have..." - PETER BEARDSLEY

"As the seconds tick down, Belgium are literally playing in time that doesn't exist." - ITV COMMENTATOR

"A smoked salmon sandwich of a football match if ever there has been one." - PETER DRURY

"The shot from Laws was precise but wide." - ALAN PARRY

"Zero-zero is a big score." - RON ATKINSON

"That's football, Mike - Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice." - TREVOR BROOKING

"30 minutes to go, and it's still 1-0 apiece." - ANON

"The ball must be as slippery as a wet baby." - TONY GUBBA

"Martin O'Neill, standing, hands on hips, stroking his chin." - MIKE INGHAM

"Someone in the England team will have to grab the ball by the horns." - RON ATKINSON

"That's often the best place to beat a goalkeeper, isn't it, between the legs?" - CLIVE TYLESDLEY

"I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in." - TERRY VENABLES

"All the Leeds team are 100% behind the manager, but I can't speak for the rest of the squad." - BRIAN GREENHOFF

"We're taking 22 players to Italy, sorry, to Spain... where are we, Jim?" - BOBBY ROBSON, ON WHETHER PAUL GASCOIGNE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE 1998 WORLD CUP IN FRANCE

"My legs sort of disappeared from nowhere." - CHRIS WADDLE

"He'd no alternative but to make a needless tackle." - PAUL ELLIOTT

DUTCH REPORTER: What's your first impression of the PSV stadium?
KENNY DALGLISH: I've been here before.
DUTCH REPORTER: What's your second impression of the PSV stadium?
KENNY DALGLISH: It's very nice.

"Tony Adams - he's the rock that the team has grown from." - RON ATKINSON


Messiah section: Kevin Keegan

"I'm not a person who goes into a deep depression after a defeat. I try to remain reasonably upbeat. I'm realistic enough to know that results of football matches are often unpredictable and, when all is said and done, things don't always work out as one would wish!" - Kevin Keegan, writing in the England v Germany programme

"It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card." - Kevin Keegan

"The ref was vertically 15 yards away." - Kevin Keegan

"We have spent three matches chasing a football." - Kevin Keegan

"There are two schools of thought on the way the rest of this half is going to develop; everybody's got their own opinion..." - Kevin Keegan

"Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late twenties or thirties." - Kevin Keegan

"This could be a repeat of the final. The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match or lose it." - Kevin Keegan

"England can end the millenium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world." - Kevin Keegan

"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different." - Kevin Keegan

"Despite his white boots, he has real pace..." - Kevin Keegan

"You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw..." - Kevin Keegan

"He can't speak Turkey, but you can tell he's delighted." - Kevin Keegan

"There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight." - Kevin Keegan

"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice." - Kevin Keegan

"I'm not disappointed - just disappointed." - Kevin Keegan

"The tide is very much in our court now." - Kevin Keegan

"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose." - Kevin Keegan

"That would have been a goal if it wasn't saved." - Kevin Keegan

"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different." - Kevin Keegan

"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off." - Kevin Keegan

"The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game." - Kevin Keegan

"The substitute is about to come on - he was left out of the starting line-up today." - Kevin Keegan

"That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong." - Kevin Keegan

"I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon." - Kevin Keegan

"Hungary is very similar to Bulgaria. I know they're different countries..." - Kevin Keegan

"In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg." - Kevin Keegan

"The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful." - Kevin Keegan

"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none." - Kevin Keegan

"It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney." - Kevin Keegan

"I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time." - Kevin Keegan

"It could be far worse for me if it was easy for me. Discipline is not only very important, it's crucial." - Kevin Keegan

"Young Gareth Barry - he's young." - Kevin Keegan

"Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America." - Kevin Keegan

"Argentina are the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that." - Kevin Keegan

"You don't get two chances at this level, or at any other level for that matter." - Kevin Keegan

"You're not just getting international football, you're getting world football." - Kevin Keegan

"Kanu, a guy with a heart as big as he is." - Kevin Keegan

"Luis Figo is totally different to David Beckham, and vice versa." - Kevin Keegan

"Football's always easier when you've got the ball." - Kevin Keegan

"They don't come every three days, like they come after this one." - Kevin Keegan

"I want more from David Beckham. I want him to improve on perfection." - Kevin Keegan

"There's a slight doubt about only one player, and that's Tony Adams, who definitely won't be playing tomorrow." - Kevin Keegan

"It's no longer an 11 man game." - Kevin Keegan

"The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23." - Kevin Keegan

"For some it's the ultimate job, for the others it's the last job." - Kevin Keegan

"Against France we'll have to be at our best both technically, tactically and spirit-wise." - Kevin Keegan

"There's Shearer using his strength. And that is his strength - his strength." - Kevin Keegan

"I've seen all the other Euro 2000 teams on video and no coach has as many good players as I do." - Kevin Keegan, pre-tournament

Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice." - Kevin Keegan, Radio 5 Live

"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him..." - Kevin Keegan

"I don't think they're as good as they are." - Kevin Keegan

"Only one team could win this match from here, and that's England." - Kevin Keegan, moments before Romania scored the equalising goal, eventually going on to win.

"Will he score here? Yes." - Kevin Keegan, as David Batty began his run-up to the penalty he missed, eliminating England from the 1998 FIFA World Cup

"I was in Saint-Etienne two years ago. It's much the same as it is now, although now it's completely different." - Kevin Keegan, BBC

"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona." - Kevin Keegan

"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different." - Kevin Keegan


Special mental disorders: Glenn Hoddle section

"When a player gets to 30, so does his body." - Glenn Hoddle

"I think in international football you have to be able to handle the ball." - Glenn Hoddle

"His tackle was definately pre-ordained." - Glenn Hoddle

"I have a number of alternatives, and each one gives me something different." - Glenn Hoddle

"If anyone is found guilty, I will step on them." - Glenn Hoddle

"75% of what happens to Paul [Gascoigne] in his life is fiction." - Glenn Hoddle

"We didn't have the run of the mill." - Glenn Hoddle

"With hindsight, it's easy to look at it with hindsight." - Glenn Hoddle

"Okay, so we lost, but good things can come from it - negative and positive."

"Robert Lee was able to do some running on his groin for the first time." - Glenn Hoddle

"International football is one clog further up the football ladder." - Glenn Hoddle

Bloody hell

I could only come up with one

Very funny though..

I am not much of a sports fan but I think the best moment I have ever seen involving a commentator involves David Icke. He was a former sports commentator who began to hear God speaking to him while working for ITV (I think it was ITV).

You could actually see his eyes begin to glaze over on the show during later episodes after his erm...experience . He is now famous for claiming that many famous people including the British Royal Family are in fact lizzards.

The phrase 'mad as a box of frogs' was created especially to describe him

^^ Well that's the end to this thread then

Murray Walker is the king of funny quotes, some are in the posts above but i can't be bothered to delete those ones,



A battle is developing between them' I say developing, because it's not yet on.
Murray Walker

A sad ending, albeit a happy one.
Murray Walker

And Edson Arantes di Nascimento, commonly known to us as Pele, hands the award to Damon Hill, commonly known to us as Damon Hill.
Murray Walker

And Michael Schumacher is 37 seconds ahead, so he can refuel the car, change all four wheels, take off his helmet, have a smoke and a cup of tea, and rejoin in first.
Murray Walker

And Michael Schumacher is actually in a very good position. He is in last place.
Murray Walker

And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.
Murray Walker

And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One Racing.
Murray Walker

And the track temperature has in fact risen in degrees!
Murray Walker

And there's no damage to the car - except to the car itself.
Murray Walker

Anything happens in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does.
Murray Walker

Are they on a one-stopper? Are they on a two? And when I say they, who do I mean? Well, I don't know. It could be anybody.
Murray Walker

Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium - and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world.
Murray Walker

Either the car is stationary, or it's on the move.
Murray Walker

Even in five years time, he will still be four years younger than Damon Hill.
Murray Walker

Fantastic! There are four different cars filling the first four places.
Murray Walker

Have you ever seen so many people at a Formula One Grand Prix before? The answer's no, because there haven't been as many!
Murray Walker

He can't decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.
Murray Walker

He is shedding buckets of adrenaline in that car.
Murray Walker

I can't believe what's happening visually, in front of my eyes.
Murray Walker

I don't know what happened, but there was a major malmisorganization problem there.
Murray Walker

I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.
Murray Walker

I like to think I cover over as a slightly over-the-top enthusiast. It is a very exciting sport, after all.
Murray Walker

I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are totally unimaginable.
Murray Walker

I'm in my usual state up here in the commentary box: high tension, heart beating like a trip hammer, whatever that is.
Murray Walker

I've no idea what Eddie Irvine's orders are, but he's following them superlatively well.
Murray Walker

IF is a very long word in Formula One; in fact, IF is F1 spelled backwards.
Murray Walker

If the gloves weren't off before, and they were, they sure are now!
Murray Walker

In twelfth and thirteenth, the two Jaguars of Eddie Irvine.
Murray Walker

It looks as though this year there will be seventeen Grands Prix for the World Championship, compared with the traditional seventeen.
Murray Walker

Look up there! There's the sky!
Murray Walker

Mansell is slowing it down, taking it easy. Oh no he isn't! It's a lap record.
Murray Walker

Now he must not go the wrong way round the circuit, and unless he can spin himself stationary through 360 degrees I fail to see how he can avoid doing so.
Murray Walker

Schumacher wouldn't have let him past voluntarily. Of course he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it.
Murray Walker

That's history. I say history because it happened in the past.
Murray Walker

The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.
Murray Walker

The two McLaren drivers are so hot they look like two fried lobsters in silver suits.
Murray Walker

There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today, and four of them are Michael Schumacher.
Murray Walker

There's nothing wrong with the car except that it's on fire.
Murray Walker

This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
Murray Walker

This will be Williams - first win since the last time a Williams won.
Murray Walker

Well, now we have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.
Murray Walker

With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go.
Murray Walker

You can cut the tension with a cricket stump.
Murray Walker

You might not think that's cricket, and it's not, it's motor racing.
Murray Walker

I cringe when i hear football commentators, when describing the actions of goalkeepers as "making himself big"

Although not a commentator i think Gordon Strachan deserves a place on this thread



Southampton manager Gordon Strachan on Wayne Rooney
Its an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a
call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson.

Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the
England squad?
Strachan: I dont care, I'm Scottish

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are
the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job
and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because
I'm useless."

Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the
Coventry one, that's for sure.

Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We
were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into
Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us
to win the Champions League?

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a
yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my
priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy
to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to
bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home,
become an alcoholic and maybe! jump of a bridge. Umm, I think I can
take it, yeah.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here.
I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man,
down.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret. >

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were
better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there....

The best quotes from Sky TV's rugby man, the ubiquitous Murray Mexted: "You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that."


"He's looking for some meaningful penetration into the backline."


"Spencer's running across field calling out, 'come inside me, come inside me.'"


"I can tell you it's a magnificent sensation when the gap opens up like that and you just burst right through."


"I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him"


"Darryl Gibson has been quite magnificent coming inside Andrew Mehrtens, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the same today."


"There's nothing that a tight forward likes more than a loosie right up his backside"


"Everybody knows that I have been pumping Martin Leslie for a couple of seasons now."

Originally Posted by flash

Although not a commentator i think Gordon Strachan deserves a place on this thread



Southampton manager Gordon Strachan on Wayne Rooney
Its an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a
call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson.

Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the
England squad?
Strachan: I dont care, I'm Scottish

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are
the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job
and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because
I'm useless."

Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the
Coventry one, that's for sure.

Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We
were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into
Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us
to win the Champions League?

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a
yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my
priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy
to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to
bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home,
become an alcoholic and maybe! jump of a bridge. Umm, I think I can
take it, yeah.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here.
I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man,
down.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret. >

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were
better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there....

Oh Yes good old Gordon..he is so quick witted.

A recent one:

"Gordon what message did you give your players to do before the game.?"

"Oh I just told them to go out there and run around a wee bit"

Rex 'Moose' Mossop was an ex dual code rugby international who went on to become a famous Rugby Leaugue commentator. Some famous Mossopism's -

"I'm sick of having male genitals rammed down my throat" Rex Mossop on the nude beach near Manly and people walking to and from their cars with nothing on. He became infamous for performing citizens arrests on them.

"If this game ever takes over from rugby league you can fuck me in Pitt St." What League legend Rex Mossop said to Johnny Warren during a break in an England v Australia soccer match in the 1980s.

"if I keep getting Boyd and O'Grady mixed up, it's because they look alike, especially around the head"

One more from Rugby League-

"Rugby League is a simple game played by simple people. Rugby Union is a complex game played by Wankers." Laurie Daley, ex Australian League captain.

Originally Posted by flash

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were
better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there...

That one really tickled me