Local Lavatory Legends

[somtamslap]

During my first trip to ‘The Land of Smiles’; yes, the people do smile, yes, it is indeed ‘land’ and if you cunningly rearrange these two unremarkable nouns into some sort of order with the use of a preposition and a definite article then you are in fact greeted with a catchy slogan, but should you replace the aforementioned nouns with a pair which are perhaps a smidgen closer to home, say ‘filth’ and ‘pit’, you would be less likely to get a thorough bollocking for callous libelous.

So during my first trip to The Pit of Filth way back when in 1999, which although was only 12 years ago feels like 12 billion, another life time even, a time before the subtle capacities of lao khao had further addled my already ganja baked brain, I did as every other unscrupulous back packer with a bit of spare changed in his pocket would do – purchased a lady for the purposes of a night of wild, multiple orgasmic fornication, either that or a three minute drunken fumble in the dark for two thousand fucking baht – thieving tart should’ve been prosecuted for being a bastard.

After the night of passion, Titwank ( I believe her name was such) had awoken early, obviously feeling thoroughly refreshed and clear headed after the sexual encounter and took it upon herself to do a little spring cleaning. The way she swept the floor was almost poetic. The ceramic tiles were brushed with awe inciting efficiency. With half an eye cocked through the onset of a thunderous hangover, I couldn’t help but admire her.
‘This lady’, I mused ‘belongs in slavery.’

It was only whilst I was showering the thick residue of surplus alcohol from my pores that I realized the true evil that lurked beneath her seemingly agreeable facade.
Through the thin shower curtain I saw her approach the lavatory. ‘Splendid’ I thought ‘the bog is well overdue a Mr. Muscle dousing.’

But to my shock, horror and sheer disbelief, a most unprecedented series of events began to unfurl, and the bog brush was definitely not an integral part of the script.

The shadow which had now eerily started to resemble a homicidal goblin was actually beginning to mount the toilet! Not as you or I would, but actually climb onto the seat, and yes, stand on it!

“Err, Cupcake, anything I can help you with?’ I nervously queried from behind the shower screen.

“fgtetd!” She responded, with a harsh rasp.

‘Fuck me! She’s a fucking toilet monster! HELP HELP HELP HELP – I’m about to be attacked by a fucking lavatory goblin!’

I managed to regain composure as the wave of horror which had swept over me subsided a fraction, giving me an opportunity to collect my thoughts.

Eventually curiosity allowed me to summon the courage to peer round the curtain. What greeted me will stay with me forever. It would be the focal point of many a sleepless night, of countless nightmares, of blood curdling screams into the mass void of insanity.

The girl/thing/fucking goblin was standing on the toilet seat taking a HUGE dump. It actually looked like she had grown a massive black knob from the angle of my bewildered stare.

“Be gone with you, PEASANT!” I screamed with a mixture of fear and anger.

“I DEMAND you leave my presence!”

That was my first encounter with any such primal behavior and I obviously wasn’t impressed.

Surely, SURELY to get the most from your lavatory experience a sitting position would be more fitting.
I can’t think of a more uncomfortable or vulnerable way of taking a dump, not to mention being visually unattrative.

Tsssch. Some people!

[alwarner]

My seven year old has had a western style toilet wherever he has lived his whole life, yet, he still insists on the stand / squat method of defecation.

Most perturbing.

[crippen]

As long as it hit the bowl,she did ok.

[somtamslap]

My seven year old has had a western style toilet wherever he has lived his whole life, yet, he still insists on the stand / squat method of defecation.

I would say nip it in the bud, but the young chap is now a fully blossomed bog balancer.

[BaitongBoy]

^^ Stinky is a crack shot...

[alwarner]

My seven year old has had a western style toilet wherever he has lived his whole life, yet, he still insists on the stand / squat method of defecation.

I would say nip it in the bud, but the young chap is now a fully blossomed bog balancer.

yeah, it's weird. as far as i know the rest of the family are all sitters.

He'll probably scrunch bog paper rather than fold it in the absence of a bun gun. The little monster.

[FlyFree]

I want to say something nice, befitting my reincarnation as a man of peace, but I find it hard to think of something.

Slap, you short on Baht? The quality of your lao khao seem to be dropping. Bit concerned here.

[Carrabow]

I used the one in the Surin market by the meat stands and it was horrific. It is too bad I did not have a camera. I was afraid to touch anything and insisted I sit in the back of the truck away from the food until we could get home to take a shower.

I had a really bad case of the rumbly grumbly's. I had to or would have shat meself On second thought I do not think I cleaned up afterwards, klong water would have been preferrable than what was in the water bucket

[Looper]

The girl/thing/fucking goblin was standing on the toilet seat taking a HUGE dump. It actually looked like she had grown a massive black knob from the angle of my bewildered stare.

Yermans pay top dollar to watch that so she was probably fishing for a tip

[jizzybloke]

I used the one in the Surin market by the meat stands and it was horrific. It is too bad I did not have a camera. I was afraid to touch anything and insisted I sit in the back of the truck away from the food until we could get home to take a shower.

I had a really bad case of the rumbly grumbly's. I had to or would have shat meself On second thought I do not think I cleaned up afterwards, klong water would have been preferrable than what was in the water bucket

One of the night markets in Bkk I needed a dump got sent the wrong way a couple of times and when I finally found it, I waddled in the door clenching but as the smell fucking hit me it really took my breath away.
I turned around and walked back out, very nearly did shit my pants that night but there was no way I could have used those toilets!

[somtamslap]

The quality of your lao khao

Same old see-sip degree bottom-end shite.

Yermans pay top dollar to watch that so she was probably fishing for a tip

Yeramans - causing me to wretch since 1999.

[withnallstoke]

Got any polaroids of the hemorrhoids?

[billy the kid]

what are yermans or yeramans ?
i thought it was a belfast <it is> saying.
eg, how's yerman,, jimmy doing these days.

you ain't seen or smelt anyting
until you visit the 'toilets' in Yunnan,China.
shit you not,,, they are the worst.

[alwarner]

Got any polaroids of the hemorrhoids?

[alwarner]

what are yermans or yeramans ?

you ain't seen or smelt anyting
until you visit the 'toilets' in Yunnan,China.
shit you not,,, they are the worst.

Germans.

[somtamslap]

what are yermans or yeramans ?

Krauts.

Got any polaroids of the hemorrhoids?

Only slides I'm afraid. Actually I'm having an evening in December you may want to pencil in. And for pity's sake PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave your beastiality collection at home.

^ Who the FACK is that, Al?

[alwarner]

Emma Freud

[wuron]

I have been here 5 years and never yet had to squat to take a dump. I worry I would miss. What do you do if you miss? Do you grab it and throw it in real fast or just get the hell out of there?

[alwarner]

I have been here 5 years and never yet had to squat to take a dump. I worry I would miss. What do you do if you miss? Do you grab it and throw it in real fast or just get the hell out of there?

it's a bit of an ordeal.

[Carrabow]

I have been here 5 years and never yet had to squat to take a dump. I worry I would miss. What do you do if you miss? Do you grab it and throw it in real fast or just get the hell out of there?

it's a bit of an ordeal.

If it is a sprayer, hopefully it did not get on your pants leg or ankles if you are in shorts

[billy the kid]

I have been here 5 years and never yet had to squat to take a dump. I worry I would miss. What do you do if you miss? Do you grab it and throw it in real fast or just get the hell out of there?

get the hell outta there.
with a smile on yer face.

[somtamslap]

Do you grab it and throw it in real fast or just get the hell out of there?

Definitely the latter. Nine times out of ten it'll go unnoticed anyway.

[alwarner]

I have been here 5 years and never yet had to squat to take a dump. I worry I would miss. What do you do if you miss? Do you grab it and throw it in real fast or just get the hell out of there?

it's a bit of an ordeal.

If it is a sprayer, hopefully it did not get on your pants leg or ankles if you are in shorts

ha ha - I've nothing against a squat toilet per se, but the only time i ever seem to use one it/s a matter of utmost urgency. As the law of sod would have it they are therefore the most heinously disgusting things imaginable. I tend to find that the only sort of bowel movement that would force me into one of these places is of a volcanic nature. So it's shorts and undercrackers off and not squat but sit on the bloody thing. As the pain subsides, and i regain my vision it's always then (and not before) that I remember these places NEVER HAVE ANY TISSUE PAPER. So to top it all off it's stagnant water and my left hand to cleanse my very sensitive ring piece.

[oxyjohn]

i always thought Thailand had the right mixture of depravity and modern plumbing. The bum squirter was a great invention. Can't manage the squater toilets though, my knees would sieze up.

[somtamslap]

The next thing you have to consider whilst performing the stand - squat method is the volume.
Defication is usually laced with a hearty helping of flatulence and even whilst sitting in the conventional manner, the conclave into which your are relieving yourself does little to muffle the bowel explosion. So just imagine then that you are squatting in a cubical with a large intestine fit to burst with last night's laab moo and six bottles of lager, and one of your superiors at work decides to go for a quick piss in the neighbouring urinal...

* PHMMMMMMPT PARRRRRRRRRRP CHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUG Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeek*

Would that count as a loss of face or not?