Thread: Quick Jokes

Made the mistake of pouring petrol into my diesel car,it's like pouring gin into a woman,you know it's going to end in tears after you start it.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.​

Two teenage girls sitting in the garden chatting when one says, “ooh look there’s a condom on the patio”. “What’s a patio?” Asks her friend.

I was going to donate blood until they started asking questions such as "Whose blood is this?" and "Where did you get it?"

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding across the prairie. Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?". Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"

Spellchecker’s your worst enema

I've got a new hobby: Blindfold Archery.

You should try it, you don't know what you're missing!

Just saw a German guy dive in a river to save a dog... I waited on the side as he resuscitated the dog.. I asked him are you a vet.. he said vet!!! I'm fucking soaking.

Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, adash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.

• The tragedy is that if Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never have happened

• There’s an alternative ending to Dr. Who, where it’s about a guy who gives young women hallucinogenic drugs and shags them in a phonebooth.

I finally got round to reading that Stephen Hawking book the other day. It's about time.

There are 2 types of people in the world, those who can extrapolate data from incomplete information.

A man sits down at the bar and orders 15 shots. The bartender asks "what's the occasion" the man replies "my first blow job" the bartender then says "well congratulations here's 16 shots , ones on the house " the man replied "no! If 15 shots dont get the taste out of my mouth then nothing will"!

I was going to post a time travel joke, but you guys didn't like it.

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, 'here's the fat pig I've been cheating on you with'. A woman in the bed says 'it's a sheep, you dumbass'.
The man says ' I wasn't talking to you' .

Needed a new battery for the car and heard of one developed in the Middle East called the Sultan battery which was said to be twice as efficient and twice as long lasting as any other on the market and though I would give it a try.

A word of warning from my hospital bed; Dont go into a battery shop and ask for "A Sultan battery"

World cup score.

Russia 5 Saudi Arabia 0

Looks like Saudi Arabia will beheading home soon.

I tried to remarry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money.

Not long after my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer he covered himself wirh lard. He went down hill fast after that.

It has come to my attention (not from personal experience) that a ladyboy is able to service both partners in a relationship at the same time with one partner on the bottom the ladyboy comes next using his (her) dick and the second partner on top of the ladyboy engaged in the rear of the ladyboy. This I am informed is known as a Pattaya sandwich.

^ known as the club sandwich elsewhere. But you have your participants around the wrong way. In your scenario the LB is getting all the attention.

A lady lost her purse in a bustling department store. She searched everywhere she had visited, but just couldn't find it.
Finally, a little boy approached her and asked, "Mrs, is this your purse?"
Jubilantly, she grabbed the purse and cried, "Yes! Yes, it is! Thank you so much!"
Then she looked inside and was suddenly confused.
"But how strange... when I lost it, I had only two £50 notes, but now I have ten £10 notes!"
The boy replied, "That's because the last time I returned a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for my reward!"