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  1. #101
    Sukhumvet
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    ^ Been to the Kiwi School Of Engrish?

  2. #102
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    Maybe a bit late, but still relative:
    15 things you can only say at Christmas.
    1: I prefer breasts to legs.
    2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
    3: Smother the butter all over the breast.
    4: I've never seen a better spread.
    5: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
    6: t's a little dry-do you still want to eat it?
    7: Don't play with your meat.
    8: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it goes.
    9: Do you think you can handle all these people at once?
    10: How long will it take you to put it in?
    11: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
    12: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
    13: That's the biggest bird I have ever had.
    14: I'm so full I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
    15: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

  3. #103
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    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

  4. #104
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    Once a sad lady was walking along the beach thinking of the worst state of her life cycle. Her husband asked her for divorce. As she was walking, she tripped over something in the sand. The woman picked the object up revealing a lamp.

    The woman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared before her. "I will grant you three wishes," the genie said "but whatever you wish for your husband will get double."
    The woman thought and thought, then made her first wish "I wish for 10 million dollars." POOF! The wished for ten million appears at the woman feet, some distance away 20 million dollars appears at her husbands feet.

    The woman thinks again and makes her second wish, "I wish for a pile of diamonds three feet high!" POOF! A pile of diamonds appears at the woman feet, a pile of diamonds six feet high appears at her husband’s feet.

    The woman thinks and thinks, ponders and ponders; finally she says to the genie "Now, whatever I wish for my husband gets double?" The genie replies, "That is correct."
    She makes her third wish, "I wish for you to scare me half to
    I am so unlucky that if I fall into a barrel full of D*ick**s, I'd come out sucking my own thumb!

  5. #105
    Pedantic bastard
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    Quote Originally Posted by GracelessFawn View Post
    She makes her third wish, "I wish for you to scare me half to
    Sigh. Bad fail on a not very good joke.

  6. #106
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    Paddy was walking along the beach and stumbled upon a lamp.
    Genie pops out, says Paddy can have two wishes.
    Paddy immediately asks for a never-emptying bottle of Guinness.
    Puff of smoke and a bottle appears in Paddy's hand.
    "Oi'd best check this out' says Paddy, and chugs the bottle down, whereupon, glug glug glug, the bottle refilled!
    "Dats marvelous, dat is! A true wonder!"
    "So, for my 2nd wish, Oi'll have another one of those."

  7. #107
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    Quote Originally Posted by GracelessFawn View Post
    Once a sad lady was walking along the beach thinking of the worst state of her life cycle. Her husband asked her for divorce. As she was walking, she tripped over something in the sand. The woman picked the object up revealing a lamp.

    The woman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared before her. "I will grant you three wishes," the genie said "but whatever you wish for your husband will get double."
    The woman thought and thought, then made her first wish "I wish for 10 million dollars." POOF! The wished for ten million appears at the woman feet, some distance away 20 million dollars appears at her husbands feet.

    The woman thinks again and makes her second wish, "I wish for a pile of diamonds three feet high!" POOF! A pile of diamonds appears at the woman feet, a pile of diamonds six feet high appears at her husbandís feet.

    The woman thinks and thinks, ponders and ponders; finally she says to the genie "Now, whatever I wish for my husband gets double?" The genie replies, "That is correct."
    She makes her third wish, "I wish for you to scare me half to
    DEATH!

  8. #108
    PAG
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    A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

    He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.

    The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

    "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge ta-tas out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"

    Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

    Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first."

  9. #109
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    A blonde gets to fly in an airplane for the first time. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

    She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"

    There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

  10. #110
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    ^
    You should start a new thread for shite jokes.

  11. #111
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    I got chatting to a girl in a club, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

    "Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

    "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

    "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

    A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

    I said, "My wife found out."

  12. #112
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    Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

    There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

    One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

    Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

    "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.


    "Not really, Papa, it was boring. We didn't see a single arsehole, poofta, dole-bludging piece of shit, horse's arse, tree hugging socialist left wing green prick, blind bastard, dipshit, rag-headed Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."

  13. #113
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    A Jewish punter was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

    Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.


    Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

    The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.


    He bet big on it, and it won.

    As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.


    The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

    True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

    He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.

    In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost
    every cent of my savings!'.
    The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?"

    "No, I'm Jewish"


    "That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".

  14. #114
    Sukhumvet
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    A Jewish punter was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

    Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.


    Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

    The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.


    He bet big on it, and it won.

    As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.


    The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew[/B][B] all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

    True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

    He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.

    In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've los
    every cent of my savings!'.
    The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?"

    "No, I'm Jewish"


    That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".
    Better to think inside the pub, than outside the box?
    I apologize if any offence was caused. unless it was intended.
    You people, you think I know feck nothing; I tell you: I know feck all
    Those who cannot change their mind, cannot change anything.

  15. #115
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    It was reported in a West Australian newspaper that a Mrs Maynard had sued a Perth hospital saying that after surgery there her husband had lost all interest in sex.

    The hospital spokesman replied: "Mr Maynard was admitted for cardiac surgery, all we did was correct his eyesight"







    Mrs Maynard selfi from her facebook pages:














  16. #116
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    I) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

    II) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

    III) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

    IV) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

    V) Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

    VI) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

    VII) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

    VIII) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

    IX) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

    X) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Medicine Man who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Medicine Man looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

  17. #117
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    Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the U.N.


    The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible
    solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world."

    The survey was a complete failure because:

    In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

    In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

    In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

    In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

    In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

    In South America and Russia they didn't know what "please" meant.

    In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

    And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

  18. #118
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    An Indian, a Frenchman, a Swede, a Brazilian, an Australian, a Chinaman, a German, an American, a Canadian, an Italian, a South African, a Scotsman, a Dane, an Agentinian, a Nigerian and a Russian walked into a bar. But the barman said; “You can’t come in here without a Thai”

  19. #119
    Member galaxytrash's Avatar
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    a guy is working in a supermarket in the states.

    he is in the produce section when a customer approaches him with a head of cabbage in his hand.

    he says to the guy "can i buy just half a head of cabbage?"

    the guy takes the cabbage and heads to the backroom of the supermarket.

    "what are you doing?" asks the guys boss.

    "some idiot wants to buy a half a head of cabbage". turning around, he has noticed the customer had followed him in, so he adds "and this gentleman was kind enough to take the other half."

    the customer gets his cabbage and leaves.

    the guys boss says "that was pretty good what you did there. we need people like you who can think fast on their feet. where are you from, anyways?"

    the guy says "i'm from canada, sir."

    "why did you leave canada?" asks the boss.

    guy says "there's nothing up there except whores and hockey players."

    boss says "my wife's from canada."

    guy says "oh yeah? what team does she play for?"

  20. #120
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    theres a guy walking down the street, he feels like hell. he eventually collapses and passes out.

    when he wakes, he's in a hospital room all by himself, and he's bewildered because he doesn't have a clue how long he's been there or whats wrong with him.

    then the phone by his bed rings, turns out its a doctor.

    "jeez doc, whats wrong with me, why am I here?"

    "well" doc says "you've got GASH."

    guy says "GASH? what the hell's that?"

    "well" doc says "it's a combination of Gonorrhea, Aids, Syphillis and Herpes. We're immediately starting you on a strict diet of pizza and pancakes."

    guy says "pizza and pancakes. will that cure me?"

    doc says "no...that's all we can fit under the door."

  21. #121
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    Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches, but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend George the lifeguard for advice.

    'It's dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son.

    Dey're years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ye, man..ye 'll have all de babes ye wants!'

    The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

    Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

    Bob went back to George the lifeguard and asked him, 'What's wrong now? '

    'Lard-Tunderin' Jeezus b'y!' said George, ' the potato goes in the front!!

  22. #122
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    job interviewer: what would you say is your worst quality?

    applicant: i'd have to say honesty.

    job interviewer: well, i'd tend to think honesty is a good quality.

    applicant: i don't give a flying f*ck what you think...

  23. #123
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    a guy goes into a confession booth, says "forgive me father for i have sinned". he said "what did you do my son?" says he "i used some awful foul language on the golf course."

    "continue" says the priest.

    "well, i hit the ball of the tee on the 1st hole...i hit it as hard,as straight and as true as i've ever hit a drive in my life, but it hit a power line and dropped 50 yards in front of me"

    priest says "is that when you swore, my son?'

    guy says "no father...i was walking up to make my 2nd shot when a squirell grabbed my ball and headed back into the trees with it"

    that's when you used the foul language?"

    "no father....an eagle grabbed the squirrel...with the ball...and flew off way over the trees with it."

    "is that when you used the profanity?"

    "no father....the squirrel dropped the ball...the ball hit a rock, bounced off a tree, and rolled 10" from the hole."


    preacher says "you missed the f*kking putt, didn't you!"

  24. #124
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    A woman gets cheated by her husband. Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.

    After few days of travelling, walking, climbing, and wading streams she reaches the top and meets the wise monk.

    "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he's left me for a younger woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".

    The monk gives her a biscuit and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Is the cookie delicious?"
    "Yes, it is" she answers.
    "Do you want another one?"
    "Yes, please".
    The monk looks her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?"

    The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks, "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".

    The monk shakes his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

  25. #125
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    A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
    "Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
    The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."
    The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."
    "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news.

    What is it?" Saul replied enthusiastically
    The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

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