Thirteen million Londoners have to wake up to this. And murder, and All Bran, and rape. And I'm sitting in this fucking shack and I can't cope with Withnall. I must go home at once and discuss his problems in depth.
I was nursing a twat of a hangover last Sunday after having celebrated my friend's pending nuptials. Reluctantly, I left the hotel we'd stayed in - I say reluctantly because the general public are extremely fucking scary indeed when one is snared in the bosom of unrelenting angst - and made a blinkered beeline for Wetherspoons where I ordered a strong pint of lager and a full English breakfast. After somehow managing to summons the hand-eye coordination to maneuver the pint glass towards my mouth, I upturned the fucker with one gargantuan effort and poured it down my gullet.
AHHHHHH! THAT'S BETTER!
Now that I'd recaptured the status of a semi-functioning member of the human race, I put paid to my food, settled the bill which was the friendlier side of a fiver, and promised myself a similar feed the following week, when I would perhaps savour the flavour a tad more.
So today I ventured into town with a view to indulge myself with a plate of definitive British cuisine.
I located a cafe and inspected the menu.
'All Day Breakfast 1' pretty much ticked all the right boxes: 1 egg, 2 bacon, 1 sausage, beans, mushrooms, 2 toast, tea, coffee or a can - £6.10.
Expensive, granted. But I nevertheless placed the order and read about Liam fucking Gallagher's lovelife in the paper while I waited. Why would I care if some Mancunian retard shags about? The Sun seem to think it's very important. But they also think that 'Sexy Georgia Salpa posing in a black swimsuit in a sizzling new photoshoot' is important, too - so they can just about be forgiven. The fucking lecherous kunts.
Ok, so breakfast has arrived. Let's eat and analyse:
Upon initial inspection I was appalled at both the meager serving and the presentation. With half the plate comprising a massive baked-bean spillage and my one and only sausage having been unceremoniously dumped on top, I wasn't at all impressed. Although I was most encouraged by the presence of the perfectly cooked egg and the two buttered wholemeal slices:
Marks out of 10:
Egg: 9 - perhaps a little overdone
Sausage: 7 - although the taste was there, I didn't expect to have to fish the fucking thing out of a lake of beans
Bacon: 9 - succulent cuts of back bacon. again could have done with a minute or so less in the pan
Beans: 5 - too many and barely tepid. on the plus side I shall soon be basking in the fruits of my labour
Mushrooms: 8 - tasty, but not enough attention to detail - I generally don't want to be eating rogue stalks
Toast: 10 - healthy door-step slices with a liberal smear of butter
Overall: 6.5/10 - not the most financially feasible of breakfasts. you'll definitely get more bang for your buck in Whetherspoons. but by and large a satisfactory dining experience.