England. Yes, it's ensconced under a perpetual blanket of dispassionate drizzle. Yes, for the cost of spending a cozy afternoon in the local pub one has to forego eating for the rest of the fucking month. Yes, there are an abundance of duplicitous single mothers, waddling in and out of their free accommodation, dutifully going about spending the taxpayers' hard earned like a bunch of CUNTS. Yes, the immigration laws in this country would make the average Thai bureaucrat simultaneously piss, shit and ejaculate all over the place. And yes, the availability of cheap, writhing, brown, moist flesh is decidedly lacking.
However, Old Blighty does have one expedient string to its bow.
Crisps.
A delectable collection of the choicest snack treats on the planet.
And here, in a vain attempt to elicit even just the faintest trace of jealousy from my south-east Asian based brethren, I shall review five of the best crisp options available on today's market.
1. Walkers Quavers
Although probably the lightest crisp on test today, the Quaver is aflood with fromage. Playfully shaped with a melt-in-the-mouth texture, Walkers have manufactured a first-rate snack, the taste of which lingers inconspicuously on the palate. A worthy accompaniment to a swift half of weak lager. 7/10
2. Salt and Vinegar Hula Hoops
Every crisp list should have at least one salt and vinegar option, and for me Hula Hoops top the chart, unequivocally. Bursting with ball-sack squeezing seasoning, this is a snack treat you could hardly call subtle. It slaps you in the face, insults your family and threatens to burn your fucking house down, before leaving you a contented wreck on the floor. In terms of crunch, flavour and the fact you can wear them like rings, (would you do me the honour, etc etc), Salt and Vinegar Hula Hoops are definitely a test winning contender. Eat at will or with an ice cold pint of Stella Artois. 9.5/10
3. Bacon Fries
These crisps scream 'rapidly impending myocardial infarction' but therein lies the attraction. Bacon by name, bacon by nature. Take the best streaky slice experience you've ever had and times it by ten. Ahhh, that's good. That's really fucking goooood! That's better than any pig in the world. A test winning snack which is ideally consumed with a yard of Marton's Pedigree. 10/10
4. Pickled Onion Monster Munch
If Pickled Onion Monster Munch could speak they'd probably do so in a foreign dialect, but what they said would roughly be translated into something like:
"Drop you trousers, bend over and part your ring-piece. Brute buggery awaits"
I'd never been sodomised until the fateful day these crisps were introduced to the market. And now I'm a fully-fledged homosexual.
Not only do they bubble with a spritely, flavoursome zest, but their robust design ensures full satisfaction come the cessation of the pack. Eat with 10 pints of Pimms in the company of a chap called Sebastian. 9/10
5. McCoys Flame Grilled Steak
These crisps can't be reasoned with. They can't be bargained with. They don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And they absolutely will not stop until you're full. McCoys Flame Grilled Steak are a meal. They should be treated with respect and only eaten if you feel especially masculine. The thick cuts of starch look like they've recently been carved with a fucking chainsaw. Eat with 10 pints of Carling before walking out into the street and beating up random people with a cricket bat. 8/10
And so concludes the review.
Anyone jealous yet?