Thread: How to murder a bush turkey

Does anybody know how best to murder one of these bastards?



It is an Australian bush turkey. It is quite a large and evil bird. It walks round like it owns the place and even if I chase it with a broom handle it just comes straight back as soon as I put the brush down.

I was going to apply for a firearms license but it is a bit of a hassle and I am sure there are simpler ways to kill a bird.

Bear Grylls had a go at catching one on TV and said it was exceptionally difficult.

I think a snare or box trap would be best.

Not sure exactly what I would do once I had got it trapped. I have a large meat cleaver and also a samurai sword so I could just slash it to pieces. I also have a chainsaw but that would be a bit messy.

One problem is that these ugly fuks are actually protected (are you allowed to do anything in Australia these days?).

Anyway protected or not the cnut has to die as I do not like the way it looks at me when I am sitting in the garden drinking coffee.

I bought one of these catapults/slingshots at the market in patong today and am going to have some fun with target practice when I get home.



If get in a headshot then I won't need the snare but any suggestions welcome. Assuming customs does not have a problem with the slingshot as it looks a bit menacing

Originally Posted by nigelandjan

Take it by suprise from behind mate

I admit that I do get lonely sometimes but what do you take me for

I will check the smallprint in the protected species law for turkeys before attempting anything

Originally Posted by nigelandjan

large roasting tin covered in foil about 120 degrees for 5 hours

Yes I have read that they are pretty tasty and definitely worth bunging in the oven - got to get rid of the evidence somehow anyway

You could also make a few of those feathered hats for export.

Crossbows are illegal in eastern australia but I did a bit of archery at school and these hunting bows are legal and just as lethal.



More fun than just snaring the evil bird and snapping its neck plus it gets a sporting chance to run away.

This thread is quite promising, you could become the Wile E Coyote of Teakdoor!

Well I would like to post a photo of the bird with a large hunting arrow through its neck and then roasted on a plate. But then the Australian Federal Police might fly into Jomtien under cover of darkness using an RAAF blackhawk and burst into DDs office wearing black combats at 5am and force him to give up my IP address.

A small shotgun such as a 410 or a 20 gauge is usually sufficient, but the arrow would probably leave less of a mess and you wouldn't be pulling shot out of your teeth when you eat it.

Originally Posted by Looper

Police might fly into Jomtien under cover of darkness using an RAAF blackhawk and burst into DDs office wearing black combats at 5am and force him to give up my IP address.

DD made you sleep in his office? What a cock, in that big mansion of his.

Originally Posted by pickel

A small shotgun such as a 410 or a 20 gauge is usually sufficient

Yes that would do the job and is legal (well not the shooting the turkey bit) but requires a license. I think the hunting bow would be more fun and is more sporting. I think the slingshot may only injure the thing and then it would just come back with 6 of its mates - they have huge claws and big beaks and cold beady eyes. Best to do this Thai style and make sure there is no possibility of a revenge attack.



Bush turkey. Pure evil. Make sure any attack is final and lethal.

I dont know how far you are from Somtamslap but he has this for his culling.

Why would you want to kill an endangered species ?

Ahhh, the human race. If it moves either fuck it or kill it, or both.

It too is a child of the universe ya know.

Horse hair & Raisens/ dryed grapes, lay out a few lines of them, works on greed & choking, But these barstards look too big !

When you kill it, try to make it balder than this bastard prior to popping it in the oven.

Originally Posted by nigelandjan

just snap the neck , pluck it ,, gut it , wash it out ,, in a large roasting tin covered in foil about 120 degrees for 5 hours delicious mmmmm dont forget to keep the giblets for some tasty gravy

Game birds taste a lot better if you hang them first: http://honest-food.net/2008/11/27/on-hanging-pheasants/

Might sound crazy but it really is better. Wouldn't think of eating pheasant or wild duck without hanging the bird first.

you could always put a couple of boxes of free piss on and get your abo mates (traditional hunters)around to sort the old wild turkey out.
you could have wild turkey roasted over the coals,served with damper,then a gut full of piss,and a all in brawl to wrap the night up.

Originally Posted by laymond

you could always put a couple of boxes of free piss on and get your abo mates (traditional hunters)around to sort the old wild turkey out.
you could have wild turkey roasted over the coals,served with damper,then a gut full of piss,and a all in brawl to wrap the night up.

While there are certainly some advantages to your theory, your biggest problem will be trying to get the bastards to leave after all the piss has dried up. They'll probably claim its a sacred site, and you'll be out on your arse.

Originally Posted by OhOh

I dont know how far you are from Somtamslap but he has this for his culling.

There's no doubt about it, Gertrude is worth her weight in gold but is all the same a little slow on the reload - about 15 frustration filled minutes too slow.

Brush-turkey (Department of Environment and Resource Management)


The Australian brush-turkey is fully protected in Queensland.

(can't be arsed to look for other parts of Aus)

Maybe a full photo spread if the bird happens to have an "accident" is not such a good idea.

Originally Posted by nedwalk

once the bastards move in mate, yer fucked..they will destroy your yard and if they decide to build a nest its even worse, they never leave....i got a good dog that can sort it though..

Wasn't sure if you were talking about the Abo's or the Turkey????????

Originally Posted by Strongarm

Originally Posted by nedwalk

once the bastards move in mate, yer fucked..they will destroy your yard and if they decide to build a nest its even worse, they never leave....i got a good dog that can sort it though..

Wasn't sure if you were talking about the Abo's or the Turkey????????

dont get me started mate.

Originally Posted by nidhogg

Brush-turkey (Department of Environment and Resource Management)


The Australian brush-turkey is fully protected in Queensland.

(can't be arsed to look for other parts of Aus)

Maybe a full photo spread if the bird happens to have an "accident" is not such a good idea.

I think he's just having a laugh...