Thread: Scampy can't take much more

New years resolutions:

Eat more garlic
Woo more women
Drink less beer
Don’t be hungry
Re-fill water bottles
Improve my cockney rhyming slang
Learn Japanese
Only smoke when I deserve one
Get out


Microsoft Messenger, this Liela bird – she can’t write a sentence with out using 'LOL' – you know, that tossy adolescent abbreviation of Laugh Out Loud. “I just thought I’d say hi lol”, “I had to work late yesterday lol”, Jaysus, ‘Lol’ this and ‘Lol’ that, is she really laughing out loud as she says all this, is it a nervous thing? God forbid she has the wit or intellect to understand a basic joke – she’d give herself a hernia. From the photos she looks alright, sort of Spanish looking with that wild hair – an alright pair of Charlies and a nice compact Portsmouth.

Portsmouth Harbour – harbour master… Master = plaster – plaster of paris, ‘arris – Aristotle = bottle… Bottle & glass – arse, nice arse. (bottom)

She is only 21 – and I’m not sure where I stand with the thought of skewering a tart who was still in Mamy Poko Pants while I was doing my GCSE’s, but she’s there for a rainy day – obviously not literally, or I’ll be waiting a few months to see that bum length wild hair splashed over my pillow.

January thus far, is as arid as December was when it comes to work. That malady is expected to linger on at least until mid February, so having put the feelers out, followed up emails, read the news and viewed the latest movie trailers – I find myself at a lose end, and re-igniting my equally arid sex life seems a good start.

Today though, I have to return to the badlands of Muang Thong Thani to collect my deposit. Taking a photo of the greedy old hag the day I moved the last of my shit out was not a bad move, got her well paranoid, and so I’m off to claim the 1,400 left after two months of unpaid bills and expenses.

I’ve done well cutting down on fags and piss the past few days, so I take a moto taxi to the Skytrain and subsequently wish I had walked. The driver is about seventeen and he’s on a new Honda Dream. There’s a few near misses with other tards on bikes appearing in our path and I spend most of the white knuckle journey with my arsehole clenched tighter than Butterfly’s wallet, holding my breath and squeezing the orange vested fuckwit between my legs. I hope he realizes that this is to save my knees from bashing into wing mirrors and buses and not an attempt to queer him up.

For my ascent to the On Nut Skytrain, I’m running up the apples and pears to the platform instead of taking the escalator. This is part of my new fitness regime and somewhat compensates for being too lazy to walk there in the first place.

The BTS station has the usual tard in blue uniform in a silly Thunderbirds hat and he blows his whistle at me like some farking lifeguard at a swimming pool because I’m walking too close to the yellow line – I’ve probably made his day, I bet they all dream of using that baton and utility belt but it’s the whistle every time.

The train comes, there’s lots of people waiting for it and because it’s just switched tracks it’s completely empty, so you can have any seat you want as long as it’s yellow and ingrained with speckles. As usual all the meat pies are mezmorised by the flat screen goggle box, and I can’t help but stare at it also – though my gawping is disbelief, not a total surrender of my independent thought.

In a voice so irritating and unwarranted it defies definition – I hear the words ‘OHO NEWS UPDATE’ – though in that awful, mindless Thinglish accent that is shoehorned into my ears it says “News Upded” and I find myself subjected to an advert for a magazine, one of those celebrity gossip shit-sheets what kids and thick cnuts read, so on that definition alone the country is sold and the company who print this rag can afford a good minute to prattle on (in Thai now) about which paper skinned, spoiled rich celebrity idiot is holding hands with who whilst showing us papparazi crappy snaps with flashing pink hearts. The update is concluded with a reminder of what they’re supposed to buy, a nauseatingly sustained - “OHO!” – in a put-on, childish wail that makes me wince more than the opener does.

This is followed by a loop of cnuty adverts for MK, S&P and a multitude of skin whitening products and vitamin drinks which are, the lot of them - insipid, patronizing, un-imaginative, immoral and downright shameless bollocks, or - as Ant would probably say, ‘a perfidious succession of misinformation’.

It's horrible and I can't switch off to it - I find it all very intrusive and offensive.

Call me cynical, but my jadedness is sadly justified – for I have witnessed no advancement in the eight years I have known Thailand and, much as I love ‘em and always will, their minds are so impressionable and submissive that the country has become a huge orgy for corporate marketing executives. The silly tards are more than willing to embrace the rape and strangle of globalization and squander their cash with gay abandon at the expense of their own culture and personal identity.

Pulay – now she’s a fat slapper, been there and done that back in April. She was an internet pull and still lives in the Thani. Smart girl but she’s not my cup of tea, I need somebody my own bodyweight and she needs one of those Africans who play for Muang Thong United. There’s plenty of coons in this city and they’re all closet chubby chasers the lot of ‘em. Must focus – I’m going back to pick up my rent deposit what I paid in 2007.

Anyway, I’m half way to Victory Monument and I’m looking over my shoulder staring at the contents of the other train as we stop at Chit Lom. I can see a farang kid staring back at me and he looks like a right spoiled cnut so I give him the finger. Then one of the trains starts to move and for a moment I’m not sure if it’s his train or my train that’s moving and so I turn back around and we’re still on the platform. Some lanky pale skinned model type meat pie sits opposite me and pretends she can’t see me looking at her, so she gets out her imitation Blackberry and starts thumbing away – probably the same dog and bone that’s being advertised on the flat screen above her noggin – the one that boasts a ‘MOSHUN SENSUUUR’ – she glances up and I give her a smile and she avoids my glance like I don’t exist on cue with the beep-beep-beep of the doors shutting. Land of smiles eh? …I want to grab that fone off her and stick it up her white arse, the miserable hi-so twat.

Sunny was kind of hi-so – had a date with her last month, arranged online of course – and in an ideal world I’d only have had to be my nice, honest self but no I had to tell her I was a TV presenter/producer didn’t I, had to make an impression. Okay it wasn’t a lie, but I added that I was exploited by a greedy, thick-as-shit Aussie couple that ran a joke of a production house and that work was a bit thin yet she was still happy to meet, so I arranged to meet her at this nice little oasis on soi 75/1 and she tells me that she’s only got a hundred baht – god only knows why she tells me this, and yet she takes a taxi from Ratchada because she has an aversion to changing trains.

Before she’d even arrived I was writing her off, and if she expected me to pay her taxi then she was in for a long walk home. Fortunately she didn’t, and I met her walking down the street in a nice blue dress. Nice looking bird, good chest and a cool tattoo on her back – not one of those tramp stamps above the arse that half the birds in the UK got done after the millennium.

She wants a black & coke and I know the only reason she wants black and coke is because she thinks it sounds cool and trendy, hip and with it and fashionable - why can’t she have a beer, or a Sang Som & coke? I mean, if you’re going to drink decent whisky then you don’t mix it with coke unless you’re a tard or you can easily afford it. I bet she reads OHO.

I casually inform her that a Japanese girl wouldn’t dream of turning up to a date without any money and that even though they guy will always pay, assumption is almost as rude as ordering the most expensive whiskey – especially when, hours earlier, the man (me) had lamented his pay situation during the online warm up session.

I light a cigarette, yeah I can see she doesn’t smoke but fuck it, I’m just not into this ‘Let’s bleed the foreigner for what we can’ bullshit. Typical Thai attitude, though am I being fair? Maybe I should give her a chance, I can see her shifting uncomfortably in her seat, so.. I take a big swig of my Leo and put out my cigarette and change the subject, telling her how fucked her country is and what mayhem lies ahead in the future. She looks concerned but doesn’t disagree, how can she? The doom and gloom I forecast makes her adjust her dress and she finishes her stupid foking ‘Black and coke’, so I ask if she wants another and she hesitates, then the ‘it’s free/he’s paying’ penny drops and she says okay, so I order one from the limp wristed, faggoty waiter in his dungarees and lipstick and he minces off to get it like the poofy childish wanker that he is.

Second round of drinks, on me of course, so I lighten the mood by talking about that Blackadder scene where Baldrick spends a million quid on a turnip – she doesn’t have a clue what I’m talking about so I tell her about this Japanese girl I’ve been seeing and how great she is and how, when she’s not working 23 hours a day, we go to the finest restaurants in Bangkok and are making our way through the myriad of world cuisine that this fine city has to offer and how she always offers to pay even though she never has to, though she did once when I was on the blower to my mate Howard in Nanning.

She starts telling me about her ex and I tell her that all men are the same downstairs and that although I may be brutally honest, I’m not a bad bloke – and I order a third B&C so she finishes the same time I neck the last of my Leo and when it’s down the hatch I tell her that was the last one and that at 110 baht a pop I’ve paid enough, but, that I’m ready to progress to whisky myself and that I have a bottle of 100 Pipers at home and she can join me if she wants, and drink as much as she likes.

She does, and we have a couple of drinks and she asks to see some of my videos so I leave one playing and have a fag on the balcony, when done I ask her if my breath tastes of smoke and go in for the kill and get a sexy little kiss out of her and she admits, “You’re good”, which of course I am, I’m The Gentleman Scamp.

I undo my trousers and get the old fella out but she just wants to stay the night and keep her jeans on – it’s only rag week innit! What sort of selfish farking freeloader goes back to a blokes house on the blob? We had a kiss and a fumble but she wasn’t going south, I get up and move some stuff. She asks what I’m doing and I explain that I’m just hiding my money and ATM cards because I hardly know her.

She wakes me up at about 7am and fucks off, telling me she can find her own way to the lobby – so much for offering to be a gentleman. I have seen her online since when I’ve had the horn and asked if she’s still on the rag but she doesn’t reply, anyway.

Back to the BTS – I get to Victory Monument and walk the tedious semi circular skybridge which is only tedious because it’s always packed with meat pies shuffling to university or shuffling to work or just shuffling for the sake of it. I stop only to give 20 baht notes to the blind wog-box singers because it makes me sad that they even have to beg in that condition in a modern society.

I’m off to see Avatar with an Indian tailor – to be concluded.

^
lol

Originally Posted by DrB0b

I think the OP reads a lot better if put through Goggle translate, translated into Thai and then back to English.

I find the abridged version with pictures a lot quicker, easier, and more readily digestible:

^^ Lol

LOL !!!

LMFAO

Originally Posted by The Gentleman Scamp

Get out

Followed by 2,241 words of typical Scampy Look at meeee.

The Doc's version is far more entertaining.

LQTM

Some people have too much time on their hands.
or is it: Some people have too much in their hands.

fuking germans

mamy poko pants - who's he kidding?

Brilliant!
Keep it coming scampers!

Oh dear, the Scampers is turning into Smeg...

Avatar was good.

Anyway, I don't think I need continue this saga as only 1 in 147 appreciated it. I was only out to entertain, as usual, and (as usual) only the flamers rose to the occasion and I'd bet the majority of them replied before reading - which is why I wrote before finishing.

Originally Posted by The Gentleman Scamp

I'd bet the majority of them replied before reading - which is why I wrote before finishing.

Sorry, Scampster, but what does this mean?

OHOO, LOL

Good stuff Scumpty Dumpty.

A bit of something for everyone.

Don't let 'em get you down Scamp, humour doesn't always translate well. Your writing is very fluent, by that I mean it mirrors speech in it's quickness and casual feel. All the while you have a great ability to poke fun at yourself and others, which doesn't strike me as overly malicious. This is no mean feat. Keep up the writing..it suits you.

Tried an Eng-Indo-Eng version...

Microsoft Messenger, this Liela bird - he could not write sentences using 'LOL' - you know, that stands imperious teenager Laugh Out Loud. "I guess I just wanted to say hi lol", "I have to work late yesterday lol", Jaysus, 'lol' and 'Lol' is, is he actually laughed out loud when he said all this, not nervous thing? God forbid he had the intelligence or the intellect to understand the basic joke - he'll give himself a hernia. From the picture he looks fine, such as Spain look to the wild hair - a fine pair of Charlies and a good compact Portsmouth.

Portsmouth Harbor - harbor master ... Master = plaster - plaster of paris, 'Artist - Aristotle = bottle ... Bottles & glasses - butt, great ass. (below)

He's only 21 - and I'm not sure where I stand with the idea that prostitutes were skewering the Mamy Poko Pants when I'm doing my GCSEs, but he was there for a rainy day - obviously not literally, or I 'll be waiting a few months to see that homeless wild long hair sprinkled on the pillow.

January so far, is as barren as December is when it comes to work. The disease is expected to linger at least until mid-February, so it has put the antenna out, followed by email, read news and see the latest movie trailers - I found myself in a losing end, and I just returned trigger arid sex life seems a good start .

These days though, I had to go back to the badlands of Muang Thong Thani to collect my deposit. Take a photo of a greedy old witch last day I moved out I was not a bad move, good luck with paranoia, and so I went to claim the 1400 left after two months of unpaid bills and expenses.

I've done well in reducing smoking and urine for several days, so I took a taxi to the motto of the Skytrain and then wished I had walked. The driver was about seventeen years old and he's on a new Honda Dream. There were several near misses with other tards bicycle appeared on our street and I spent most of the white surrender my journey with clenched arsehole than butterfly wallet, holding my breath and squeezed orange fuckwit given between my legs. I hope he realizes that this is to save your knees from bashing into the rearview mirror and the bus and not an attempt to weird him.

My ascent to the On Nut Skytrain, I ran up the apples and pears to the stage instead of taking the escalator. This is part of a new fitness regime and a bit to compensate for being too lazy to walk there in the first place.

BTS Station has regular tard in a blue uniform in the Thunderbirds silly hats and he blows his whistle at me like some farking lifeguard at a swimming pool because I walked too close to the yellow line - I may make today, I'm sure they all dream of using a cane and utility belt but the whistle every time.

The train arrived, there were many people waiting for it and because it is active only track that was completely empty, so you can have a chair that you want as long as it's yellow and embedded with speckles. As usual all the meat pies with mezmorised by flat-screen box, and I can not help but look, too - although I was gawping believe, not my total surrender of independent thought.

In a voice so annoying and unreasonable was against the definition - I heard the words 'Oho NEWS UPDATE' - although in that terrible, careless Thinglish accent shoehorned into my ear that she said "news Upded" and I found myself exposed to an ad for magazine, one of the celebrity gossip, dirt sheets what children read cnuts and thick, so the definition of this country have sold and printing company that was able to lap a good minute for talking (in Thai now) about the paper-skinned, celebrity spoiled rich idiot who join hands with the poor while showing us papparazi locked with pink light heart. Updates concluded with a reminder of what they ought to buy, a sustainable nauseatingly - "Oho!" - At the put-on, childish grin that made me weep more than the opening is not.

This was followed by a loop of ads for cnuty Court, S & P and many skin-whitening products and vitamin drinks that were, many of them - bland, patronizing, un-imaginative, immoral and totally shameless nonsense, or - such as Ant would probably say, 'who defected succession of misinformation'.

This is terrible and I could not kill it - I find it very disturbing and offensive.

Call me cynical, but I'm sad jadedness is justified - because I have seen no progress in the eight years I have been familiar with Thailand and, as I love them and always will, their minds so easily influenced and subject to that country has become a big orgy for marketing executives company. Tards ridiculous more than willing to embrace the rape and strangling of globalization and squander their money with gay at the expense of leaving their own culture and personal identity.

Pulay - now he's fat slapper, to be there and do it again in April. He is an interesting internet and still living in Thani. Smart girl but she was not a cup of tea, I need someone my own weight and he needs one of those Africans who played for Muang Thong United. There are a lot of coons in this city and they are all fat, their fate hunters cabinets. Should be the focus - I'll be back to pick up my rental deposit paid in the year 2007.

Besides, I'm half way to the Victory Monument, and I look back at the contents of the other train when we stopped at Chit Lom. I could see farang looked at me and he looked like a really spoiled cnut so I gave him the finger. Then one of the train began to move and for a moment I'm not sure if it was a train or a train that I moved and so I turned back around and we're still on the platform. Several models of thin pale meat pie in front of me sat down and pretended he could not see me looking at him, so he got out imitation Blackberry and started flipping-off - may be the same and dog bones that are advertised on the flat screen on the noggin -- which boasts one of the 'MOSHUN SENSUUUR' - he looked and I gave him a smile and he avoided my gaze as I do not have to signal with a beep-beep-beep of the closed door. Land smiling eh? ... I wanted to take that foto of his hand and cane white ass, a sad twat hi-so.

Sunny types of hi-so - have a date with last month, an online set of course - and in an ideal world I'd just have to be good, honest self but I do not have to tell him I was the TV presenter / producer is not me, to make an impression. Okay it wasn'ta lie, but I added that I was being exploited by greedy, heavy-as-hell Aussie couple who ran a joke of a production house and work a bit thin but he's still glad to see, so I arranged to meet him at a small oasis This comfortable in soi 75 / 1 and he said that he only had a hundred baht - only god knows why he was telling this, but he took a taxi from Ratchada because he has a reluctance to change trains.

Before he even got me to write him off, and if he expects me to pay the taxi and he was on a long road home. Luckily he did not, and I saw him walking down the street in a nice blue dress. Nice looking bird, nice, cool chest and a tattoo on his back - not one of the homeless people on stamps of half-ass birds in England after a millennium.

He wanted black & coke, and I know the only reason he wanted cocaine are black and because he thought it sounded cool and trendy, hip and with it, and fashionable - why he can not drink beer, or Sang Som & coke? I mean, if you will be eligible to drink whiskey then you are not mixed with coke unless you're a tard or you can easily buy it. I'm sure he read Oho.

I casually told that a Japanese girl would not dream to change until the date without any money and that even if they people will always pay, roughly about the same assumption as to order the most expensive whiskey - particularly when, hours before, the men (I) has lamented the situation during the heating salary online session.

I lit a cigarette, yes I could see he did not smoke but fuck it, I'm just not into this "Let's bleeding stranger to what we can 'nonsense. Typical Thai attitude, although I being fair? Maybe I should give him a chance, I could see a shift uncomfortably in his seat, so .. I took my big Leo and extinguish cigarettes and change the subject, tells how to fuck her country and what is in front of the chaos in the future. He was concerned but did not agree, how could he ? Azab and darkness I make predictions, and he adjusts his shirt over his stupid foking 'Black and Coke', so I asked if she wanted another and he hesitated, then 'it's free / he' s paying 'penny drops and he said well OK, so I order one of the limp wristed, faggoty servants in jeans and lipstick and he minces went to get it as childish wanker that he poofy.

The second round of drinks, I of course, so I lighten the mood by talking about Blackadder's Baldrick scene in which one million pounds spent on radishes - he did not understand what I am talking about so I told her about this japanese girl I've seen and how great him and how, when he is not working 23 hours a day, we went to the best restaurant in Bangkok and were making our way through the various cuisines of the world that this great city has to offer and how he always offered to pay even though he never did, although he when I was in a blower for my friend Howard in Nanning.

He began to talk about ex and I told him that all men are equal in the basement and that although I may be brutally honest, I'm not a bad guy - and I'm third in line B & C, so she completed the same time the last of my neck my Leo and when it hatches down I told him that was the last one and a 110 baht a pop I've paid enough, but, that I was ready to move into the whiskey myself and I have a bottle of 100 Pipers at home and he can join me if he wants, and drink as much as he liked.

He did, and we have a few drinks and she asked to see some of my videos so I left one play and smoking on the balcony, when he finished I asked if a sense of breathing smoke and went to kill and get a sexy little kiss from him and he admitted , "You're good", which of course I am, I The Gentleman scamp.

I canceled my pants and got out an old friend, but he just wants to spend the night and keep a pair of jeans on - this week only lap innit! What kind of selfish freeloader farking guy back to the house clots? We have a kiss and grope, but he did not go to the south, I get up and move some stuff. He asked what I do and I explained that I just hid the money and an ATM card because I do not know him.

She woke me at about 7 and fucks off, saying he could find his own way to the lobby - so much to offer to become a gentleman. I've seen him online since when I've had horns and asked if he was still in the cloth but he did not answer, anyway.

Back to BTS - I get to the Victory Monument and walked a half circle skybridge just boring boring because it's always full of meat pies being dragged into the university or drag to work or just for the sake of beating it. I stopped only to give up 20 baht notes wog box blind singer because it makes me sad that they even have to beg on the condition that in modern society.

I went to see the Avatar with Indian tailors - to be concluded.

Originally Posted by kingwilly

funny how the genders get all mucked up,

In this instance, not neccessarily.

indeed.

but a small point of order, can ye go back and fix all those nasty quotes, someone might think I said that stuff!

Originally Posted by kingwilly

can ye go back and fix all those nasty quotes, someone might think I said that stuff!

Done.