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  1. #1
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    isdatu's Avatar
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    Who's the worst person you've ever sat next to on a plane, bus or train?

    Saw this in news pages today. Made me stop and think.
    The distributors of data-mining service Satisfly claim their system has the capacity to seat flyers in an "intelligent" way. That means passengers should wind up sitting next to people they're compatible with. Still, most of us must take pot luck and lump it. Here are nine types of flyers who are horrible to have on the other side of the armrest. Here, meet the nuisance neighbours direly short on any sense of "seatmate etiquette", who make you ache for an upgrade.

    Jetlag zombie
    This drooling, red-eyed long-haul flyer looks like a creature from another planet and has crossed countless time zones. Emerging from a valium fog, the zombie takes a leak then sinks back into a trance. Agonisingly slowly, the zombie's body then sags until his head looks set to rest on your shoulder. Again, with a jolt he awakes, arresting the slide. So far, so unnerving. Beware! If you, too, lose consciousness, you may wake with a shriek in the zombie's arms.
    Giant bikie
    This goateed hulk, bursting out of a leather waistcoat cranks his MP3 player full-blast, sharing the noise generated by some brutal death-metal band like Severe Torture or Extreme Noise Terror. Chords swell and crash like the waves on rocks. Instead of asking the bikie to turn the music down, you may feel inclined to opt for diplomacy — focus on not invading his space. Hell, let him occupy the entire armrest with his mammoth inked forearm. Hey, why not let him take some extra legroom, too?
    Diva
    At first, this fellow traveler appears nice enough. But soon she exerts about as much charm as the icy lettuce you're prodding with your fork. What dark forces drive her to cover every angle of her personal life in mind-numbing detail? You begin to hate the self-obsessed train wreck, and feel even worse precisely because she has so many issues ranging from a chronic sex-with-the-ex habit to obsessive-compulsive disorder. Uhuh, uhuh. Shut ... Up!
    Charmer
    Deaf to niceties such as rapport or interest, and about as much fun as a flight phobia sufferer, this oily bigmouth strives to overawe rivals and bulldoze the defenses of the nearest available female with a charm offensive. Resistance is useless. Try to join in and the charmer just kicks up a gear, talks over the top. The total absence of "jetiquette" triggers stress — especially if you are female and suspect that he wants to have sex with you. Which he does.
    Brat mum
    Glued to a movie, this trackie daks-clad cattle-class monster chomps chips while her ADHD darlings cause chaos. One screams at a volume appropriate to a disaster, such as the engine failing or a propeller sailing away, and when the mood takes him, the other brat sets out on expeditions to bash fellow toddlers. The result: more screaming audible above your own noise-cancelling headphones. Adding to the awfulness, you feel bad about your fantasies of strangling all three.
    Confrontational drunk
    Swamped in a blanket, this frazzled stranger with the skewed tie and fiery eyes has been drinking since 5am. Still grimly necking caffeinated cocktails, he looks ready to erupt from his cramped seat at the drop of an in-flight pillow. Instead, he guzzles a handful of prescription pills before groping one flight attendant and grappling another. The mayhem mounts. Soon, the drunk will be cuffed and cowed. Meanwhile, you try not to panic. Remember there are worse things than air rage; you could be caught in a hijack or witness someone go nuts and defecate in a food cart, which has reportedly happened.
    Fidget
    Quite why this high-maintenance neighbour chose the window seat is a mystery on a par with how the bumblebee defies physics to fly. The fidget is afflicted by a constant itch to rise and stretch those restless legs or go to the toilet. If only the fidget would stay there — or camp in the aisle.
    Goner
    Forget over-the-counter motion-sickness medication. This passenger has something more serious. SARS, dengue fever, yellow fever ... What could it be? The nauseous wreck twists the air-con nozzle in his direction and breathes hard, his dimly lit livid face bathed in perspiration. His disarray brings to mind the saying that the bad times are when you feel so sick you fear you will die, but the worst times are when you fear you will not.
    Wet blanket
    Often an expat embedded at the destination, the wet blanket has been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and then turned it into a dish rag. Now, the wet blanket is on a mission to spell out every failing of the resort that looked so luscious in the brochure, which neglected to mention all the touts and tarts. This neighbour's influence sours your enthusiasm and raises the issue of whether it would have been better to stay home. But you're stranded.

  2. #2
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    Fabian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by isdatu View Post
    Giant bikie
    This goateed hulk, bursting out of a leather waistcoat cranks his MP3 player full-blast, sharing the noise generated by some brutal death-metal band like Severe Torture or Extreme Noise Terror.
    Ah, Extreme Noise Terror. I got the first album. That was before they slowed down to Death Metal.

  3. #3
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    Marmite the Dog's Avatar
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    Fat, opinionated, stupid, loud, ignorant Canadian woman.

  4. #4
    Have you got any cheese Thetyim's Avatar
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    Phuket Bound

  5. #5
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    blackgang's Avatar
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    You got that right..

  6. #6
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    A dying Chinaman being sent home from Europe to probably die in the land of his birth. He had the aisle seat and fought for breath the whole flight from Schipol to Hong Kong. He didn't eat, drink, sit upright or even get out of his seat the whole flight. I actually thought he'd died a couple of times.

    Had to climb over him every time I needed a piss or a beer (the stewards ignored my service bell ringing as I had previously questioned their sexuality and marital status of their parents when they had refused to move him or at least make him swap seats with me).

    Had he actually died that would have been the second time someone had popped their clogs whilst sitting next to me. First time appeared to be a massive heart attack victim at Heathrow just as we were taking our seats. Got me a business class upgrade, so I suppose every cloud...

    Incidently, my best co-passenger was the European guy for Bally pinball machines and we had a fantastic discussion on the merits of single or multiball games, agreeing that both the Harlem Globetrotters and 8 Ball Deluxe were classics whilst the Space Invaders multi-flipper was a bag-o-shite.

  7. #7
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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    Never sit next to Gallowspole incase he gets another business class upgrade.

  8. #8
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    Me I was besides myself with fear, so the 3 of us pissed each other off!

  9. #9
    DaffyDuck
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    Just the one flight I ended up next to a really, really fat American woman. She smelled, too.

    I had the stewardess move me to another seat.

  10. #10
    Guest Member S Landreth's Avatar
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    I can’t remember the worst,…there have been so many from LA to Miami.

    But I will remember the best,. so far. Last trip (March 09) to the states on the short leg between BKK to Taipei (on EVA) I was sitting next to some Taiwanese fashion model (or some teevee star). Absolutely stunning woman.

    Most all of the stewardesses stopped by to say hello to her, during the trip. They were in awe of her.
    Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

  11. #11
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    Me and the Wife sat if front of a whole family of middle east people had to be 10 of 'em. I think they know that asian people do not like confrontation because they were the only people on the plane that I could hear every fekkin word of there stupid conversations the whole trip from SanFran to Taipai. They were very loud and obnoxious. What a stressful trip.

  12. #12
    DaffyDuck
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    Quote Originally Posted by beazalbob69 View Post
    They were very loud and obnoxious. What a stressful trip.
    SOP for them.

    Quote Originally Posted by beazalbob69 View Post
    Me and the Wife sat if front of a whole family of middle east people had to be 10 of 'em. I think they know that asian people do not like confrontation because they were the only people on the plane that I could hear every fekkin word of there stupid conversations the whole trip from SanFran to Taipai. They were very loud and obnoxious. What a stressful trip.
    So, why didn't you say anything?

  13. #13
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    Happyman's Avatar
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    Did a flight from Cairo to London next to an Egyptian who - all the fuckin way - leant forward in his seat with only his toes touching the floor and with a tremor in both legs !
    Muttering in arabic all the way !!!

    On the other hand I was on a flight from Asmara to Algiers once next to a tiny Ethiopian old lady - scared shitless-obviously never flown before - and she held my hand the whole way !!!
    Pissed myself (laughing internally ) when the food came round .
    She had never seen cling film before and was totally confused trying to get at the salad
    Ok I helped her out !

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by DaffyDuck View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by beazalbob69 View Post
    They were very loud and obnoxious. What a stressful trip.
    SOP for them.

    Quote Originally Posted by beazalbob69 View Post
    Me and the Wife sat if front of a whole family of middle east people had to be 10 of 'em. I think they know that asian people do not like confrontation because they were the only people on the plane that I could hear every fekkin word of there stupid conversations the whole trip from SanFran to Taipai. They were very loud and obnoxious. What a stressful trip.
    So, why didn't you say anything?
    Bunch of middle eastern guys against me? Sorry I am not much of a tough guy. I didnt want them to crash the plane I know really bad sterotype but still muslims scare me!

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thetyim View Post
    Phuket Bound
    I don't ever remember sitting beside you. Sorry.
    Was it bound for Phuket?

    ---
    OMG! On the way to Seoul from Chicago (a very long flight), I was stuck in the middle row of five seats between two guys. One guy was a Korean-American, and he talked to me in Konglish the whole way to Seoul. I couldn't understand most of what he was saying, and I just kept nodding my head, up and down the whole way. I should of just said, 'me no speakee Engrish' to him at the beginning of the flight.

    The guy on the other side, was a big, annoying cock. He was obviously American, because he was so loud, and ignorant. He kept trying to ask for my phone number for where I would be in Seoul. He didn't understand, 'I don't have a phone yet.' He smelled of old socks, and his breath was nasty. I had to put up with this the whole way. Thankfully, I had my earphones on most of the time, so I wouldn't be constantly bothered.

    When I had to go to the bathroom was the worst part. I had to ask 'kimchi breath' to let me out. Then he'd go on and on, about some stupid Korea thing, that I had no interest in because I had already been to Korea two previous times. He didn't understand, 'I'm not a noobie.'

    Fun, fun! NOT!

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