Thread: Is it wrong for adult males to play with children?

Originally Posted by crippen

Does he need a C.R.B. every year?

Not if he doesn't change jobs he doesn't

Originally Posted by peterpan

I get a big smile from the Thais but some concerned looks from the farangs, not much I can do about it, but as a parent its slightly off putting.

Ignore the farang.

Well, Big Brothers are doing OK here. (Group that matches male volunteers for father-less kids for outings, etc.)
There have always been weirdos, including uncles. Just have to make your kids aware. Think I noted somewhere before some neighbours have home-schooled kids that are never out of ear-/eye-shot from mummy and daddy. The boy, about 14, is the biggest wimp I've ever met. Fek, these kids can't even go to the shops or the park that's a block away without a parent with them (oh, there are off-leash dogs and sometimes strange people there!). Crikey, the boy will be doing internet porn soon.

I saw a little girl - about three - wandering down a main road on her own. She could've been run over or something, no problem. I was worried to take her hand because of the image it would convey should a hysterical mother turn up, so flagged down a passing copper & pointed her out instead.

I was bollocked by my - women - friends as it got social services involved

You can't win.

i am not compfortable arounds kids, i just don,t get em, so i tend to stay away from em,they are to loud and hurt my ears, but that dose,nt stop me from being aware for their safety and well being, and in truth i could never really understand why a grown man would prefer the company of 12 year olds than his peers

Originally Posted by November Rain

nd men are getting a rawer deal these days because of society's perceptions and fear.

yes.

Originally Posted by November Rain

But, as a mum, can I risk my child on my personal belief that most people are good and that, as a society, we're overreacting?

you could equally say should I risk my children being allowed near roads because he might get hit by a car.... more chance actually.

Originally Posted by November Rain

. But, as a mum, can I risk my child on my personal belief that most people are good and that, as a society, we're overreacting?

and

Originally Posted by November Rain

This is something I'm interested in, nidhogg. In your opinion how would you know if a relationship were OK or were grooming?

NR, sorry, is there something more at work here than idle speculation?

Anyway, a quick search on grooming comes up with this site:

Grooming.eu


Some useful information there. Main signs that site highlights are:

• Favoring one child over others
• Giving gifts or money to the child for seemingly no apparent reason
• Taking the child on outings, away from protective adults
• Showing pornography to the child (illegal in some jurisdictions)
• Talking about sexual topics that are not age-appropriate
• Invading the child's privacy (i.e. walking in on him/her in the bathroom)
• Hugging, kissing, or other physical contact even when the child does not want this attention.
• Allowing the child to get away with inappropriate behavior
• Talking to the child about problems that would normally be discussed with adults (i.e. marital problems)[2][3][4]

Obviously, again, many of these behaviours isolated may mean nothing. A pattern of behaviour however may need more careful watching.

Probably the best (too late) sign would be significant chnages in the behaviour of the child. Kids are not that good at keeping things hidden.

On your point of where, as a mother, do you draw the line. well, as a father I would say right at the begining. If I even had suspicions, that would be the end of it. maybe unfair on an innocent adult, but - tough.

Today, adults should be AWARE of the appearance of impropriety. This is the point I was trying to make. A sensible adult (nowadays) should not put himself into a situation where his actions can be misconstrued. Thats simple self protection. If an adult is oblivious to that, or more worryingly ignores that, then there either must be a strong motive, or its an adult who shows such lack of personal protection that they should not be around kids anyway.

I seem to be in the minority here. Well, so be it, and as a father I would much, much rather err on the side of caution that to let one of my kids end up molested.

Dr Andys contention that (and I will paraphrase) a little bit of abuse may not be traumatic frankly leaves me flabberghasted. We are only just begining to understand the life long trauma that abuse causes to kids.

Is there more abuse nowadays? An interesting point. I am not sure there is, just that its talked about more, and we understand better the life long damage that abuse causes. Its perhaps also tolerated less. Strange old uncle herman (or whoever) may have got away with naked cold showers with the children 30 years ago, but now we know that behaviour for what it is.

The sad thing is, that paedos use the cover provided by genuine, well meaning people for thier activities. yes, 99% (or more) of the people involved with activities are fine. But they provide cover for that 1%. And its KNOWN, really KNOWN that paedophiles seek out positions that put them into contact with children.

As noted, I will err on the side of caution.

Sorry to those who disagree, but my child, my rules.

Originally Posted by nedwalk

i am not comfortable arounds kids, i just don,t get em, so i tend to stay away from em,they are to loud and hurt my ears, but that dose,nt stop me from being aware for their safety and well being, and in truth i could never really understand why a grown man would prefer the company of 12 year olds than his peers

That about says it all I think.

I used to coach junior football and only stopped because we moved house.
Even when i settled in the new location, i thought about it, but as i was a virtual 'stranger' there it put me off. The last thing you want when trying to make friends in a new area is suspicion.

I've thought about this and think that there are just way too many variables for a definitive answer.

Sometimes it's fine, just playing with the kids when others it's not just because 'something' doesn't feel right.

Some kids are more intelligent than many adults

so they can teach the adults something about life

Originally Posted by November Rain

Originally Posted by nidhogg

NR, sorry, is there something more at work here than idle speculation?

Yes. What I described in the OP is/has been happening. My gut feeling tells me that the guy is OK. That he's a nice, genuine guy & that my son needs a male to relate to. I know, categorically, that nothing improper has happened.

But, I admit to worries. A lot of it can be put down to what Dug said

Originally Posted by Dug

Why would an adult want to have a friendship with a child?

Like you, nidhogg, I'm erring on the side of caution, but am also worried that I'm denying my son a perfectly healthy relationship with an adult male, which he doesn't have at the moment.

Have discussed this with 2 (Western female) friends. One says 'stop all contact', the other says 'it's probably perfectly innocent, make sure littl'un knows to come to you if anything happens'.
But, IMO, after something happens is too late.

That's why I wanted some male views.

I wondered if that was where this was going.

As you will see from the thread, the male view is quite polarized (I won't say split, as most disagree with my position).

My (unsolicited!) advice, would be to watch the situation like a hawk - and go with your gut. If you feel the slightest vibe out of true, nail it.

I understand the quandry you are in with the lack of a male role model, but I would suggest you don't overcompensate, or give a bit more slack because of it.

Like (dug I think), I really do have suspicions of men who "befriend" kids, but there again, I am naturally a suspicious bastard with regards to pretty much every one.

Try to make sure contact is "under your eye", and don't allow any away trips (even for a few hours) until you are more sure.

One final thought. Making friends/pals with a small boy can also be a very good way to get to know the mother better........

Originally Posted by November Rain

Like you, nidhogg, I'm erring on the side of caution, but am also worried that I'm denying my son a perfectly healthy relationship with an adult male, which he doesn't have at the moment.

Simple. Allow the man to see your son, but only when you are present.

Originally Posted by NickA

Originally Posted by November Rain

Like you, nidhogg, I'm erring on the side of caution, but am also worried that I'm denying my son a perfectly healthy relationship with an adult male, which he doesn't have at the moment.

Simple. Allow the man to see your son, but only when you are present.

Thing is, why would the man WANT to see her son?
Could be as Nidhogg said

One final thought. Making friends/pals with a small boy can also be a very good way to get to know the mother better........

Can't see any other legitimate reason for a man wanting to develop a relationship with a 9 year old boy.

Even if this guy does fancy NR, surely using the boy as a means to an end exposes him as immoral? (Even if he does show signs of excellent tatse in women).

Tried to green nidhogg for his post ^^^^ but need to spread it around first! Good common sense advice. JxP

When I was three I stuck my hand up a ladies skirt whilst she was serving at the counter in our bakery

Got a right belting

Does that make me an abuser ??

Got a complex about the smacking though , thought that any thoughts sexual (although at that age did not associate my action as being sexual) were wrong

Took a little time to sort out later

My basic reason for working at the moment is because of my children otherwise I would be long retired.

We as adults not only love and take care of our own but without even realising it do take an interest in others children and more particularly in the young global generation in general.

We squirm in disgust when we hear stories of child abuse and the like, feel total despair when we see the poor kids suffering from hunger or living in war torn regions and there's probably not one of us that has not stopped to help a lost child in a supermarket or a parentless street kid.

We always have children of all ages over on the weekends and I just love having them around mainly because I get involved with games, swimming and generally having a lot of fun myself.

It would sadden me greatly if these kids parents suspected that my intentions were not wholesome and to be honest it has never crossed my mind until I read this thread that some people may be concerned about my actions.

I would hate to think I couldn't act as myself around other's children and just the same feel suspicion towards others if my kids went to stay at another childs house.

Originally Posted by Loy Toy

there's probably not one of us that has not stopped to help a lost child in a supermarket or a parentless street kid.

Hope you're around next time I go to Tesco Lotus. I'll be the wee forlorn lad curled up on the floor in the cooking oil section.

Originally Posted by Norton

I'll be the wee forlorn lad curled up on the floor in the cooking oil section.

What a ghastly concept.

Rain, my father used to take myself and older brother and any kids that wanted to go ,out into the countryside for walks and camping under canvas swimming in the river .
A great time was had by all , its a shame it would never happen in this day and age.

Thanks to all for the advice.