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  1. #1
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    Stand still, wimp only failures run off to be expats

    This is funny

    Stand still, wimp – only failures run off to be expats

    Stay where you are and face the music, even if it’s the gristly, gooey sound of your fingernails coming out

    Jeremy Clarkson


    God tells us that there are 10 rules in life: Sir Thomas Beecham, the conductor, maintained that there was only one – try everything except incest and folk dancing. Most people, however, reckon there are two. Never meet your heroes. And never turn your hobby into a job.

    There is, however, a third rule. It’s a big one. It’s bigger than the one that says you should never meet Chuck Yeager, the US test pilot who became a hero for breaking the sound barrier, because he’ll turn out to be deeply unpleasant. It’s bigger than the one about not coveting your neighbour’s wife. It’s even bigger than not doing morris dancing.

    It is known simply as Rule Three and what it says is this: do not, under any circumstances, become an expat.

    You may be thinking of moving to South Africa because some communists have smashed the windows in your agreeable home. You may imagine that you should go to New Zealand because the police have found a builder with a broken bottom in your swimming pool. Or you may consider moving to a cave on the North West Frontier because you have knocked over some skyscrapers.

    But don’t give in. It is always better to stay where you are and face the music. Even if the music in question is the tinkling of your broken sitting room window or the screams of other prisoners in the showers or the gristly, gooey sound of your fingernails coming out.

    The fact of the matter is this: every single person who ever moves to another country – with the exception of America where you go to grow – is a failure. Seriously, no one has ever woken up and said: “I am completely happy. I have a lovely family, many friends, a great job and plenty of savings. So I shall move to Australia.”

    It’s always the other way around. “My wife has left me. My children don’t want to know. The divorce cost a bundle and I don’t have any mates. So I shall move to Oz.” That’s why they call us whingeing poms. Because the poms they get do nothing else.

    Of course, I have been to a great many palm-fronted island paradises and I’ve thought, as I’ve watched the sunlight dancing in my rum punch, how lovely it would be to live in a place where you just wear shorts and read books.
    But I know two things. First, home is not where you live; it’s where your friends are. And second, within a week, I’d be a raging alcoholic. I’d start by trying not to drink before 12. But then it’d be 10 and before I knew it I’d be pouring gin on my cornflakes and my nose would be enormous and covered in what look like barnacles.

    Then the drink-addled bitterness would set in. I’d realise that my existence was shallow and pointless and that every girl I ever met would either be made from leather or interested only in men who had 65ft cruisers in the harbour. Not noses that looked like the bottom of a battleship.

    To keep myself sane, I’d have to keep reminding myself, by reminding absolutely everyone within earshot, constantly, that I couldn’t possibly live in Britain because it’s full of bloody foreigners who hadn’t bothered to learn English. Then I’d summon Manuel and, in English, order another pint of gin.

    I was in Majorca last weekend, which is jammed full of British expats all of whom would begin their explanation of how they got there with the same thing: “Well, after I sold the cab . . .”

    There they were, in their chips and footie bars with their desperate eyes and their booze-ruined noses, regaling everyone with their stuck-record views on life back in Blighty.

    “Don’t know how you can live in Britain. Bloody weather. Bloody Muslims. Bloody Brown,” and then, after a wistful pause, “. . . you don’t have a copy of today’s Telegraph do you?”

    I’ve always felt desperately sorry for expats and now, of course, life wherever they may be is even worse than ever because, all of a sudden, their hacienda is worth less than the plot of land they built it on 10 years ago, and they can’t let the holiday flat they bought to supplement their pension. Which is now worthless as well.

    It’s proof really that there is no God. Because no one who’s supposed to be a force for good would keep on hitting people like that. “I’m going to make you so miserable, lonely and friendless that you break Rule Three. And then I’m going to take away your home, and your income until you are a homeless drunk in a land where you can’t speak the language and you’re vomiting gin into the gutter through your barnacle-encrusted nose at three in the morning.” You’d have to be a complete bastard to inflict that much pain on someone.

    Sadly, I fear that in the coming months, as deflation takes hold, a great many people will begin to wonder if life wouldn’t be happier on the sunny side.
    I urge you all to think carefully. Even if they’ve taken your land and your homes, they cannot take your friends. Or your family. And no matter how infrequently your children drop by now, you can trust me on this: if you live abroad, you’ll probably never see them again. Ever.

    You will sit there in a bar, in your stupid Hawaiian shirt, pretending the waiter is a friend, reading the barcode on a two-year-old copy of The Week, trying desperately to convince yourself that you are happy. But you won’t be, because abroad is where you go on holiday. Britain is home.

    And you know what? Yes it’s cold. Yes it’s run by idiots. And yes, I wasn’t bothered about Jade Goody either. But at least we don’t throw our donkeys off tower blocks and we don’t cook our food in the garden. And because it’s always 57 degrees and drizzling, we are less inclined to sit outside all day getting sloshed.

  2. #2
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    i dunno where to start with this guy.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Richy
    The fact of the matter is this: every single person who ever moves to another country – with the exception of America where you go to grow – is a failure.
    right.


    Quote Originally Posted by Richy
    Then I’d summon Manuel and, in English, order another pint of gin.
    yeah, i hate that, much rather walk to the fridge and get my own beer.

    Quote Originally Posted by Richy
    I’ve always felt desperately sorry for expats and now, of course, life wherever they may be is even worse than ever because, all of a sudden, their hacienda is worth less than the plot of land they built it on 10 years ago, and they can’t let the holiday flat they bought to supplement their pension. Which is now worthless as well.
    yup, you got me, i'm broke and sad and worthless.

  3. #3
    ding ding ding
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    Quote Originally Posted by Richy
    This is funny
    Jeremy Clarkson is sometimes funny,this piece isnt funny. I would estimate that 90% of the time Jeremy Clarkson is 90% less funny than he thinks he is.

  4. #4
    The Dentist English Noodles's Avatar
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    I thought it was funny, and it certainly paints the same picture as you get from reading many posters comments on teakdoor.

  5. #5
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    I think its brilliant and so true, although having lived in England I can easily see why people want to get out of that desperately deprived of almost everything, (apart from good cheese) place.

  6. #6
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    ^^Speak for yourself noodles. I left because Thatcher had shut down the country. Go on the dole or get on your bike. I got on my bike, a plane to be exact. Should I have signed on the dole to please the likes of Clarkson ?

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by peterpan View Post
    I think its brilliant and so true, although having lived in England I can easily see why people want to get out of that desperately deprived of almost everything, (apart from good cheese) place.
    I doubt many would prefer living on 100 quid a month in a stilt shack above a stinking bangkok canal. Some would need to try it for a day or two before they stop taking what they have for granted though.

  8. #8
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    The whole article is based on retiree expats, which are nowhere representative of all expats.

  9. #9
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    Clarkson is not very funny really. Not in the same league as AA Gill, for instance

  10. #10
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    Obviously written by somebody who desperately wants to be an ex pat but without the "go get" attitude to be one !
    What a load of bollocks!
    Looks like a compilation from various tabloid press articles !
    Been an ex-pat for 45 years and never vomited gin through my nose, met ladies whose only attributes were skin like leather looking for men with 65'boats, and family ( and ex wife) visit fairly regularly !
    As for gin on cornflakes ! Yeuk !
    Mekong is much nicer

  11. #11
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    as funny as it was when it was posted ,last month

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by peterpan
    desperately deprived of almost everything, (apart from good cheese) place.
    I disagree, it isnt too bad a place, and if you have plenty of money (which I dont) then it is arguably one of the best places in the world to spend at least a few months of the year.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by English Noodles View Post
    I thought it was funny, and it certainly paints the same picture as you get from reading many posters comments on teakdoor.
    ....stereotypical?

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by English Noodles
    I thought it was funny, and it certainly paints the same picture as you get from reading many posters comments on teakdoor.
    Yes, but not you noodles.

    You is luk kreung martial arts god

  15. #15
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    I'm no expert, have to say that I have more friends in Thailand than anywhere else, but now I'm working in bloody Korea ffs
    Never regreted leaving Aussie, and now they love me so much the tax people are chasing me

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Begbie
    I left because Thatcher had shut down the country.
    I left because after the good years under Thatcher, Blair proceeded to fuck everything up.

  17. #17
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    ^ best economic growth ever under Blair !!! modern leftist always do a good job for the economy

    you would be a dot com millionaire now if you had stay

  18. #18
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    Clarkson is just trying to entertain and provoke a reaction. I don't think that even he believes his own rants

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Begbie
    I left because Thatcher had shut down the country.
    I left because after the good years under Thatcher, Blair proceeded to fuck everything up.
    Utter nonsense

  20. #20
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    It's a well known fact that Marmite moved to Thailand because food is cheaper

  21. #21
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    I dunno... If I were from old blighty, I'd either have to leave or shoot myself from living in such a depressing place full of whinging idiots...

    Of course Jeremy has a sack full of pound sterling notes, so it's easy for him to throw stones at the expat crowd...

    Sometimes he's funny, other times not... Much like his comment on Top Gear about cabbies murdering prostitutes...
    Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by slimboyfat View Post
    It's a well known fact that Marmite moved to Thailand because food is cheaper


  23. #23
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    ^

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by English Noodles View Post
    I thought it was funny, and it certainly paints the same picture as you get from reading many posters comments on teakdoor.

    does Jeremy Clark live in Bournemouth?

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