Thread: Take the Thaiophile test : LEVEL 2

Level 1 was just a starter to warm us up a little, and do believe some of you may need to undergo further scrutinisation to decide whether or not you are that dreaded creature residing in Thaland : The Thaiophile.

Horrified? Let's get things under way with another 15 questions:

1. You see several teenage Thai girls in a group on the skytrain wearing T-shirts that are clearly sporting offensive slogans in the english language such as "No money No Honey", "First time virgin", "Fuck off I don't swallow", as well as a crappy Sex Pistols "Fuck off wankers" design. The girls are clearly unaware of the true meaning of their shirts.

Your initial thoughts are:

a) What sweet Thai innocence, if only they knew!
b) Goes to show what a great education their parents had, were there no resident english teachers in Thailand in the 70s or 80s?
c) Maybe they are rebellious girls, rebelling against the uppity echelons of Thai society. Tut tut eh!

2. You take a 15 Baht motorbke taxi ride from your condo to the main road. When you arrive you hand the driver 100 Baht. You are already late and are in a hurry as you woke up late due to a hangover, but the driver has no change. There are no shops around and he keeps laughing at the situation which makes your blood boil.

What's the next move?

a) Laugh along with him, pointing at yourself and repeating in awful wooden Thai "Pom bpai mai dai ha ha ha"
b) Go to the nearest retail establishment for some change and call ahead to the senoir teacher, telling them you'll be late
c) Walk away without paying the man, showing your displeasure, cos after all the customer is always right

3. At a supermarket checkout you realise your watch has stopped and you are running behind your normal tight shedule, the checkout girl is very slow getting your shopping together and dealing with your cash and change. You gather your bags and wait for your change. The cashier counts your 646.50 Baht change not once, twice but four times, with the fourth being where she uses her fingernails to additionally 'scrape' the notes separate so she doesn't over-change you.

Do you:

a) Stand there politely smiling knowing that she's one of them many 'perfectionist' Thais who like to do things correctly
b) Get agitated at this cash cultured society nation, snatch your change and barge your way out
c) Rally Government house to encourage a change in the Thai way of doing things as it annoys you and thousands of other farangs

4. An aquaintance whom you met on the plane here also coming to TEFL announces to you that he's moving on to Korea because he bitterly hates Thailand after nine months. He never ate much Thai food, only pad thai or khao pat gai, he only hung out in expat pubs, paid whores for his 'fix' and didn't learn any of the language.

What's his main excuse for moving on?

a) It's the Thai people, they are all "fuckwits" or "dicks"
b) The girls all cheated on me, and the pollution pisses me off
c) I need a better challenge in a civilised world, Thailand is nothing like the UK

5. At an internet cafe you are typing up your 'final will and testament' on MS Word. After two hours slogging away a power cut blacks the place out momentarily, wiping out five pages of giveaways to your family and friends, that you weren't able to save. To cover this fuck up, the really camp, gay cashier bursts into fits of laughter. However, you don't find it in the least bit funny as you've now forgotten who gets your box of accurately archived (by date) "Teaching Weekly" magazines that would be worth a fortune on E-Bay.

What do you tell the giggling gay **** as you're clenching your right fist?

a) I've just lost some very important work but mai pen rai, I understand that you needed to plug in the electric frying pan so you could warm up your food, because food is of paramount importance to anything else. This-is-Thailand!!
b) I'm going to fist you, so bend over with the KY please
c) Who wants my antique brass collection of Newcastle United trophies anyway? Fuck it, I'll leave everything to...what was her name again? Lek? Oh yeah...

6. After a hard slog of a day toiling in Bangkok, your peaceful trip home on the Subway is interuppted by a middle class Thai couple who are convinced that it's amusing to try and hang their 3 year old fat daughter from the hand straps above much to her disapproval and screaming. The father persists, thinking that it's funny to all the other passengers ,who typically offer only sheepish Thai smiles of acceptance to the situaion, which is annoying you. A lot. The father then hangs his daughter upside down as she squeals in excitement and is now enjoying the attention. The couple seem to think that even with such cramped conditions, it is comical to allow their child complete run of the carriage, despite other passengers having to move around to accomadate the little bastard.

So what can you do?

a) Join in, getting the kids attention and pat your chest proudly, saying "Pom farang bah nid noy, hahaha, loo jack farang bah che mai? Then when she's baffled enough, say "Poot len" and escort her back to her parents, saying to them "Have you no consideration?"
b) At the next station, seize the kid, run off and create a hostage situation, then wait for Harrison Ford to, once again, single handedly save the day without any weapons
c) Simply change trains or hide behind The Nation / Bangkok Post

7. At Jomtiem beach you settle down with your suntan lotion and Chang beer and proceed to read 'Bangkok Hilton', a book about one of Thailand's top hotels in Khao San Road. After getting past the prologue, you are asked if you want an ice cream by a Walls Ice cream vendor carrying a polystyrene box. You buy a cornetto and read on. After a paragraph, a man approaches carring a stick with ten grilled prawns on it "Special for you you mister, Thai prawns" You decline politely. After another two paragraphs you are offered a set of earrings by a man carrying a big board of them. Once again you decline. After two hours and three paragraphs into chapter one, you give up and go home.

What should be done about this?

a) Create a welfare state, resulting in government fuelled alcoholism
b) A task force of soi dogs could be trained to sniff out peasants that ply beaches selling crap to farangs
c) Buy what they want you to buy, then they'll get rich and have no need to continue in such employment for much longer

8. As you leave the beach you hail a Baht bus to take you to the Royal Garden Plaza. Upon arrival, he says "You falang 80 Baht" in full earshot of a group of other double parked songthaew drivers who swarm around you.

How do you get out of this one?

a) Gesticulate wildly, pointing to the sign that says '10 Baht' and flatly refuse to pay, crying "Thailand is in my heart" as you beg for mercy while they beat you senseless in broad daylight
b) Well, I get a far larger salary than these locals so why not, hey I'll even tip him 20 Baht, thus further funding dark influences
c) Call a Tourist Police Volunteer over only to find he has no skill at the situation at all, as he is from a medical background (albeit on a very small scale) in New Zealand.

9. At Siam Paragon Tata Young is doing a signing session for her once again re-issued "fourth special edition" of her album " I believe" and hordes of teenagers are screaming for her to make her entrance up the red carpet outside. As she takes to the stage to mime along once again to "dhoom dhoom" you hear some Thais talking about how she is a great influence to Thai teenagers. You guffaw and think to yourself:

a) What a sad state of affairs this really is, when will she finally fuck off?
b) She's encouraging bed hopping amongst Thai girls..Hmmmm more for me...(while you lick your lips)
c) Well good luck to her, she's got this country by the balls

10. A soi dog is slumped across the busy pavement near Asoke, and if it moved, then pedestrian traffic would move along at double the speed. But the locals just ignore it and beggars children poke it playfully with a stick and it offers a twitch of its nose. Tourists are tut-tutting, and you overhear the words "This could never happen in the Uk" from a northen English tourist.

Should soi dogs be surgically removed from Bangkok?

a) NO, they are part of the culture like temples, food, silk, TEFL-ing and smiling
b) YES, let's bring this country up to the modern day
c) YES, the Government should dump them at sea when they are not looking

11. A beggar enhances their 'plight' as she sees you approaching. She is set up with a naked baby lying on a piece of newspaper partially blocking the pavement and once again, passage is difficult as many tourists are striding past proudly satisfed that 'this' doesn't happen in their home country.

What's the ideal soluion to this?

a) As it was I, the farang, who created the decline in morals in Thailand, I feel I should give 20 Baht
b) Arrest the Indian mafia for exploitation and deport them back to India
c) Send the Indians back to India, forget about the beggars

12. A Thai girl is in the internet cafe sending a 'sick buffalo' email to her 'boyfriend' in Doncaster, and you can see other many desperate webcam faces in her MSN Chat windows. You manage to clock an email address and memorise it because it's an easy one to remember, ie pattayatel@mail.com, or bigwillydave@sexpat.net and then a moral wave comes all over you.

Maybe you think that you should:

a) Mail these guys and let them in on the fact that they are about to become regular customers at their local Western Union Money transfer with no return on their 'investment', only the eventual tone of a dead mobile phone a week before their big arrival back in paradise
b) No, let them be fools and fuel the TEFL industry sales people with more bodies to try and blag a course to
c) Give the girl a knowing wink and say playully "Love you long time che mai"

13. You have the privilege of being invited (not directly) to the opening of a very high class Italian seafood restaurant in Thong Lor. Upon inspection of your wardrobe however, you realise that you'll have no choice but to be the 'token TEFL-er' at this event due to your dress sense. Overcome by a sense of class division, you decide to spruce yourself up and buy a new set of dapper attire that you hope will propel you to a higher status.

What's your budget for this spree (new shirt, trousers and shoes) and where would you shop for them?

a) 5,000 Baht and a trip to Robinsons / Central
b) 1,000 Baht and a soujorn into the bowels of Pratunam market
c) 28,000 Baht and a day spent at several outlets of Gaysorn Plaza being pampered
or d) You decline the invitation and get plastered at home instead, thus saving the money of a makeover.

14. An overweight Australian lady at your place of work accuses you of setting awful standards for younger teachers by continuing to mix teaching with whoring, creating a stereotype that all male teachers are really in Thailand for the prostitutes and alcohol, not the culture, temples, 7-11, and plastic bottle collectors.

Has she got a valid point?

a) Yes, but if the west wasn't so different these days then maybe I'd consider going back there, but western women? forget it!
b) No because I'm here working in I.T., so I surely don't need to go whoring as I'm better than any english teacher. Teach english? Huh!
c) Yes. I'll make amends, attend alcoholics anonymous and avoid Soi Cowboy and Pattaya altogether

15. Whilst window shopping in Future Park Rangsit, you accidentally bump into a hi-so girl who is standing still in at the top of an escalator talking into the headset of her mobile phone. She is so engrossed in her conversation that whilst listening to her rolling her R's a hefty but polite backlog of people has gathered who want access to the escalator. She fails to notice this and you take it upon yourself to barge her out of the way. A few minutes later you are accosted by a hi-so guy in his mid twenties wearing thick rimmed specs and partly peroxided hair who accuses you in an American twanged accent that you "ought to aparlar-gaise"

What goes through your mind?

a) Woah this is confrontational, this Thai guy has been abroad obviously
b) I wanna slap this guy. He's got a minute to get outta my face
c) He's got a point, it's his country and I should say sorry

BUT then this possible scenario can unfold:

i) You say sorry and you hear him say "farang fucker" under his breath, do you accept that?

a) Yes you have to
b) No you get him in a nelson hold til he apologises
c) You have a conversation with him about his unacceptable racism

ii) And what if you slap the guy?

a) He gets you shot by his Media tycoon father's cronies
b) He gets his Media tycoon father to organise for a ten wheeled truck to crush your car
c) He sees the error of is ways and becomes a new person

I'd like to think it's a bit trickier than the first test. Let me know what you think.