Thread: Amusing Quotations without commentary

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

“There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by readin’. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.”
― Will Rogers

“When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.”
― Will Rogers

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields



“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
― W.C. Fields

Marry, and you will regret it; don't marry, you will also regret it; marry or don't marry, you will regret it either way.

Kirkegaard

“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

Lady Astor: “If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee.”
Churchill : “If I were married to you, I’d drink it.”

The best way to find an answer to the question on the internet isn't to ask it. It's actually to post a wrong answer to the question and have people correct you.

"I told my wife she needs to embrace her mistake. So she gave me a hug."

"Remembering that I tried to use reverse psychology to get out of getting spanked with the belt by pretending to really enjoy it."

"I remember learning about Pavlov’s law in psychology class and thinking "those stupid dogs." Then the bell rang and we all went to lunch."

Some Wilde

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes"

"A cynic is man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing"

"I can resist everything except temptation"

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about"

"Be yourself; everyone else is taken"

"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his"

"There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all"

"Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood"

So ironic his jail was called READING

It's like deja-vu, all over again.

I don't know (if they were men or women running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Yogi Berra

A few Malapropisms.

• If you wish to submit a recipe for publication in the cookbook, please include a short antidote concerning it.
• In Venice, the people travel around the canals in gorgonzolas.
• The mountain is named for the Reverend Starr King, who was an invertebrate climber.
• I took up aerobics to help maintain my well-propositioned figure.
• The only sure-fire way to avoid teenage pregnancy is through obstinance.
• Senators are chosen as committee chairmen on the basis of senility.
• The fun and excitement of childhood are nothing compared to the fun and excitement of adultery.
• The marriage was consummated on the altar.
• Too many Americans lead a sedimentary life.
• He died interstate.
• The food in our cafeteria is so bad it’s not fit for human constipation.
• Who do you think you are, some kind of hexagon of virtue?

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

George Burns